Joseph and Mary Christmas Billboard In New Zealand

OK. am I twisted? Because I find this really funny. A billboard sponsored by a local Anglican church that shows Joseph and Mary in bed has set tongues wagging in New Zealand, with the Catholic Church condemning it as others found it funny. The controversial billboard, erected by St Matthew-in-the-City Church in Auckland, shows a dejected-looking Joseph under bedcovers beside a sad Mary. Underneath the image, a caption reads: “Poor Joseph. God is a hard act to follow.” The dude just can’ quite match up to the big guy. Church archdeacon Glynn Cardy said the billboard was intended to lampoon the literal interpretation of the Christmas conception story and highlight the real significance of the festival. “What we’re trying to do is to get people to think more about what Christmas is all about,” Cardy told local media. “Is it about a spiritual male God sending down sperm so a child would be born, or is it about the power of love in our midst as seen in Jesus?” The billboard has so far drawn the ire of the Catholic Church in New Zealand, which called it “inappropriate” and “disrespectful.” It was also condemned as offensive by family values group Family First. You knew they were going to have something to say, didn’t you? “The church can have its debate on the Virgin birth and its spiritual significance inside the church building, but to confront children and fhttp://www.stmatthews.org.nz/nav.php?sid=498&id=999amilies with the concept as a street billboard is completely irresponsible and unnecessary,” Family First director Bob McCoskrie told news website stuff.co.nz. Lighten up. I’d drive by it just for chuckle on my way…well, anywhere. Unfortunately the sign was defaced and covered with brown paint several hours after going up by an offended Kiwi. If you want to read more about this controversy here’s the church’s website: http://www.stmatthews.org.nz/nav.php?sid=498&id=999

Discount for Your Grilled Cheese Tattoo

Got a tattoo of a grilled cheese sandwich? If so this is your lucky day. An Ohio restaurant is offering lifetime discounts to people willing to make an indelible display of their love for grilled cheese sandwiches. Melt Bar & Grilled in the Cleveland suburb of Lakewood specializes in spins on the grilled cheese and says anyone with a tattoo of the classic sandwich will get 25 percent off.  I wonder if it comes with a pickle? The restaurant has hooked up for the promotion with a tattoo shop, which is offering its own discount on grilled cheese designs. See, even if you don’t have one, it’s still your lucky day.  John Forgus of Voodoo Monkey Tattoo says he’s been getting creative, giving one person a tattoo of Popeye holding a grilled cheese sandwich instead of a spinach can. OK, this is officially the strangest business promotion idea I’ve seen. Can I get some cheese and ink please?

Woman Flashing Boobs Struck by Distracted Driver

There’s a certain irony in this story. There’s also bare boobs, drunkeness and mayhem, all the ingredients of the perfect story. Cherelle May Dudfield was struck by a vehicle after she ran out into the road following a dare by friends.  Always a smart move. The 18-year-old had been drinking with her mates when the incident happened, and had to be treated in hospital for cuts she suffered. I told, you alcohol. The teenager was also landed with a $240 fine for disorderly behaviour. “I stood on the centre line, flashed a couple of cars with my boobs, got back in and they [her friends] told me to do it again, so I did,” said Dudfield. “And then I saw a car coming towards me, on the middle of the centre lane driving up towards me, so I decided to run. And then I got hit.” See, boobs and mayhem. To demonstrate exactly how silly she had been, she later re-enacted her stunt for a TV station – but this time she was fully sober, and no one crashed. Yea, let’s recreate this, only on video, to see if we can cause another accident.  And Dudfield also gave a repeat performance to cows on her farm. Cows on her farm? Why is she flashing cows? Has she been running in the wrong social circles? Was one of her friends that dared her named Elsie? or Bossie?  However, police officers did not see the funny side of her exposure, which happened in the small New Zealand town of Invercargill. “This was obviously an alcohol- involved offense,” said Olaf Jensen, of Invercargill Police. “This girl put herself at risk with the actions she undertook, not only herself, but the motorists on the road.” Leave it to these investigative geniuses to get right to the heart of the matter.  Hey Olaf, quick thinking there.

Building a Life-size Stagecoach From Toothpicks

When I first saw this, I thought, OK, tiny model made out of toothpicks, let’s check it out.  I never dreamed it would be full size. Terry Woodling spent 15 years creating the Wells Fargo replica using wooden sticks and glue. Known as Mr Toothpick, he made models for years but this was his most ambitious project.It cost him more than $1400 but the model was bought for $160,000 by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! “I never kept track of the hours I spent working on it, only the years,” said the 72-year-old from Warsaw, Indiana. Amazing.

Exploding Chewing Gum, Kills One

OK, this has to be one of the weirdest things I’ve ever come across, death by chewing gum explosion. You just can’t make stuff like this up. 25-year-old chemistry student Vladimir Likhonos, from the city of Konotop in northern Ukraine, died at his parent’s house  after relatives heard what was described as ‘a loud pop’, and rushed into his room. There they discovered that the lower half of his face had been severely disfigured by the chewing gum blast, with his jaw entirely blown off. I’m guessing that wasn’t the original plan. Medical workers who arrived on the scene attempted to treat his injuries but were unable to save him.Forensic tests carried out on the chewing gum revealed an unidentified chemical substance on it. It is thought that the student, who has not been named, had a habit of dipping his chewing gum into powdered citric acid and investigators believe that he may have mistakenly dipped the gum into the wrong substance, as the two powders appeared very similar, leading to the deadly explosion. “Anybody could have mixed them up,” said police spokeswoman Elvira Biganova. My reply to that is - apprently not anybody, it’s not like this happens everyday. Authorities are waiting on the results of further tests by explosives experts to identify the mystery substance.

Saved By A Dumpster

Did you ever think that dumpster diving might save your life. Well, that was the conclusion some German hikers had. Police in Darmstadt, Germany, south of Frankfurt, say they received an emergency call at nearly 3 a.m. on Sunday from a man who said he and three companions had fled into the container after being surprised by a group of boars during a nighttime walk in the woods. Yes, I said boars, wild pigs. Their trip had become anything but boring. Yea I’m aware it’s a really bad joke. They didn’t dare to emerge. A police statement Monday says that a patrol found the four shivering in the metal container and escorted them from the scene. The boars already had disappeared, apparently bored of the entire situation.

Pushpin Art

It seems that everything is a medium for art these days. This one is pushpins created by Michigan resident Eric Daigh. The artist creates incredibly life-like portraits using coloured pins from noticeboards, and has sold some for thousands of dollars. The 32-year-old uses only five colours in each picture and it can take him up to eight months to put one together. His biggest portraits are almost 2m high (6ft 6in) and use more than 20,000 pins. “Millions of people use them daily but nobody had stumbled upon this before me,” said Mr Daigh, who holds the Guinness World Record for the biggest push pin mosaic. “How I got as far as getting the first one done is some alchemy of divorce, boredom and idiocy. But after that it was easy.” Mr Daigh, from Michigan, US, buys the pins in batches of between 75,000 and 100,000. He said: “I worked as a video editor before doing this and it was addictive to have people look at my work and say, ‘That must have taken for ever,’rather than ‘That took all that time?’.”

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Think about it, this guy probably drove to the store.

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RETURN OF THE QUEEN’S PANTIES

Let me get this straight, they paid how much for a pair of Queen Victoria’s panties? Ok, I can see where an argument can be made that these are historical artifacts. But, come on, we’re talking about the Queen’s bloomers here, and they’re over 100 yeards old. Have they ever been washed? The underwear, which has a 56-inch (142-centimeter) waist, has been added to Britain’s Royal Ceremonial Dress Collection at Kensington Palace. With that size you could darn near pitch a tent with them. It has a matching chemise, is embroidered with a “VR” and is believed to date from the 1890s. Queen Victoria had a 20-inch (51-centimeter) waist as a young woman. But curator Alexandra Kim said Tuesday “over the years, particularly having given birth to nine children, that changed entirely.” Not only did she gain major poundage, she got cracked pretty hard with the ugly stick. The collection purchased the bloomers for 600 pounds ($993) earlier this summer. Kim said it’s likely the item had been handed down to a servant after the monarch’s death. Again, I have to ask, why would you want to save the Queen’s underwear? If the servant was looking for momentos, I have to think this one is a little weird. Wow, a thousand dollars for Queen Victoria’s panties. Amazing.

I HAD MY WEDDING AT MY SON’S FUNERAL

Some people think that in some cases a wedding can be kind of a funeral, but our next case is ridiculous. The parents of a 7-year-old boy who died after an upstate New York car crash have fulfilled his wish that they get married, and they did it at the child’s funeral. I’m guessing that wasn’t exactly what he meant when he wanted them to get married. I’m thinking Vegas.  Amilcar Hill and Rahwa Ghirmatizion (ger-MAT’-ee-zahn) got married during Monday’s funeral service in Buffalo for their son, Asa Hill. Asa died a day after his grandfather’s car was involved a chain-reaction highway crash last week. Hundreds of people packed the church for Asa’s funeral. The couple surprised attendees by getting married, which the parents say their son had been asking them to do. I bet they were surprised alright. Certainly makes for a full day for the preacher. The honeymoon had to be weird.

ROBBER NEEDS A DATE

What do you do when you rob someone’s house? Why, return later and ask the cute chick you just ripped-off out for a date. Seriously. Police say 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett of Columbus, Ohio was among three men who robbed a couple late Sunday. There’s a key word here, “couple.” Where on any level did he think this was going to work. Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird says the woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out. She had a relative call 911. Police say Bennett was arrested in front of the home. It’s those first impressions, they’ll get you every time.

EASTER PILGRIMS TAKE WRONG ROAD

Author’s note: So that we have the facts correct. This article is taken from a piece by Dalya Alberge published by the UK publication the Daily Mail. The actual article can be found here – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1168891/Pilgrims-tracing-steps-Jesus-going-WRONG-way-2-000-years-says-historian.html

For the best part of 2,000 years, pilgrims have flocked to Jerusalem to retrace Jesus’s final steps. The Via Dolorosa, or ‘Way of Suffering’, took them from the Praetorium, where He was condemned to death by Pontius Pilate, to the site of the Crucifixion  -  or so they thought. Now, it seems they may have been walking in the wrong direction.  A respected archaeologist claims that pilgrims have been starting from the wrong end of Jerusalem and that the locations of two of the holiest sites on the route are ‘completely wrong’. Shimon Gibson, a Holy Land specialist, said the traditional start of the Via Dolorosa, north of the Old City, should be at the other end of the city. Since medieval times, Christians have assumed that the Praetorium, the starting point of the route and the Roman headquarters mentioned in the Gospels as the scene of Jesus’s trial, was the Antonia Fortress which stood in the north of Jerusalem. But Professor Gibson said there was ‘no historical basis whatsoever’ for this being the site where Jesus was tried and condemned to death by the Roman governor Pontius Pilate. Little of the fortress’s structure has survived but, having surveyed the remains of its rock-cut base in intricate detail, he concludes that it could not have been more than a military observation tower. He said archaeological excavations pointed to the site of the trial being 900 metres away at the remains of a large paved courtyard south-west of Jerusalem, south of the Jaffa Gate. It was situated between two fortification walls with an outer gate and an inner one leading to barracks where it is most likely that Jesus was held. The open courtyard contained a platform of around two square metres  -  details that ‘correspond perfectly’ with the Gospel of John’s account of Pontius Pilate sitting on a judgment-seat at an elevated place. Professor Gibson, who is based at universities in Israel and America, said: ‘The astonishing thing is that thousands of Christian travellers and pilgrims pass by this site without realising its significance.’  Those who visit the Rock of Calvary ( or Golgotha) within the Church of the Holy Sepulchre to pray at the traditional rock of the crucifixion are also at the wrong location, he believes. The professor’s research, which will be published shortly in The Final Days of Jesus, shows that the site is too narrow to have accommodated one cross, let alone those of the two thieves crucified with Jesus.   Professor Gibson believes the Crucifixion was some 20 metres from the traditionally accepted site, under an apse of the remains of the Church of the Martyrium. ‘Pilgrims walk across this area… without realising its significance,’ he said. Dr Mark Merrony, a specialist in archaeology of the Holy Land and editor of Minerva, the archaeological journal, said Professor Gibson’s research matched details in the Gospel of John and other ancient writings. He added: ‘This discovery provides a crucial insight into the final movements of Jesus and implies that the traditional Way of the Cross should be redefined. It seems likely that millions of pilgrims have been following an incorrect path of veneration.’ But the Reverend Canon Bill Broughton of St George’s, the Anglican cathedral in Jerusalem, said Professor Gibson’s ‘great work will embellish the [Christian] story and make it even more meaningful’ but would not lead to the route being redrawn. He said: ‘It’s the Way of the Cross that we walk in terms of our faith and theology, not the archaeological evidence. ‘Pilgrims of faith want the general pattern. It may not be exactly the same footsteps but, in reality, the place is sanctified by the presence of those who’ve been there and said their prayers.’ The Right Rev Tom Wright, the Bishop of Durham, said: ‘ Archaeology is always open to questions from further research. The Church has nothing to worry about on that score. I always welcome fresh investigations.’

CELLPHONE MEETS HAMMER – RESULTS ARE SMASHING

One of my sources of extreme irritation in this technologically laden world is cellphones. It appears I am not alone. In Cheyenne, Wyoming, 13 year-old Dena Christoffersen found that out the hard way.  She sent or received about 20,000 text messages over about a month, and her parents’ phone plan didn’t cover texting. Oops, guess that can’t be good. Her father, Gregg Christoffersen, introduced her phone to a hammer after getting a phone bill for more than $4,750. Ouch, I’m betting that wasn’t in the budget. Verison has said they will work with them to reduce the bill. Dena has been grounded until the end of the school year. I suspect even after her grounding is over, a new cellphone is not in her future any time soon. Maybe they should have gotten her a Playstation instead.

ASSAULT OVER FARTS 

In Waco, Texas, I’ve always believed that town should be spelled Wacko, five men are having lunch in a motel room. One starts passing horrendous gas. I guess he’d never heard of Beano. What do you do? Move? Get some fresh air? Throw up your dinner? Well, Jose Braule Ramirez came up with a novel idea. He grabbed a knife and and threw it at him and stabbed the guy in the leg and then once in the chest for good measure. No knows what he hoped to accomplish by this but it seems he felt jail would smell better which is where he is currently having all his meals.

 TOWN ELECTS DEAD MAYOR TO FOURTH TERM

I’m always fascinated when things like this occur. Apparently, Winfield, Missouri re-elected their mayor about a month after he died of a heart attack. He was still a candidate because it was too late to print new ballots. I don’t know why the couldn’t have just drawn a line through his name. Intead he won  overwhelmingly, which doesn’t say much for the other candidate, by a margin of 206 votes to 23. Harry Stonebraker died of a heart attack back in March, but still remains Mayor. At least they won’t have to listen to any long acceptance speeches. The only other person that I can think of that has experienced something like this is John Ashcroft when he lost his election to Mel Carnahan who had died in a plane crash. How do you explain something like that, “I lost to a dead man.” It’s got to hurt your ego. “I’m such a pathetic politician they liked the corpse better than me. ” The aldermen said they would appoint someone to serve in the mayor’s position. It was obvious no one wanted the live guy.

FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVEN’T SEEN THIS, IF IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU SMILE, NOTHING WILL.

4 YEAR-OLD HUNTS BEAVERS

Who says babysitting isn’t dangerous. Just ask the Beavers of Jackson, Ohio, Nathan Beavers that is. Nathan was babysitting with some friends when he accidentally stepped on the foot of a four-year-old. The rug rat got so mad that he went into a closet in the bedroom and pulled out a shotgun.  He then proceeded to shoot Nathan with it. I bet this won’t sit well on his resume.  “Done some babysitting in the past but was shot by pre-schooler.” Beavers was hospitalized with minor pellet wounds to his arm and side. Let this be a lesson, next time you volunteer to babysit, make sure you know where the weapons are.

2009, ALL THIS AND MORE

Let me see, why am I humming the words to Aquarius? “Peace will guide the planets and love will rule the stars ” Oh yea, 2009 has been officially designated the International Year of Astronomy, the International Year of Reconciliation… and the International Year of Natural Fibres. So this means we’ll have peace while watching the planets orbit, but we don’t want people getting naked like they did in the sixties so lets make sure we have clothes in there and oh, by the way, we’ll call it “natural fibres” so it’s sounds more politically correct and environmentally sound. Who comes up with this crap. I bet somebody got paid to legislate this.

BRITISH MUD RACE

Apparently mud slinging in Parliament wasn’t enough for these Brits. They decided to start their year out right by going for a wallow in an Essex mudhole. Officially dubbed the “Annual Malden Mud Race,” this bit of winter insanity entails getting dressed up in strange costumes and then trying to race from one side of the mudhole to the other. I expect large quantities of alcohol are mandatory for this. Some 250 people braved sub-zero temperatures to scramble through 365m (1,200ft) of stinking mud. Stink is an understatement. “I work just around the corner from it, it stinks because of the bilge dropped out by ships basically sits on top of the mud (and I guess mixes) when the tide goes out,”  says Dave B, Chelmsford, of Essex. Lovely, makes you want to meet up these these guys at the pub afterwards. “That was hard. It was freezing out there. The mud got deep and I just had to crawl,” said 23-year-old Vicki Sharman, the first woman to cross the finish line. The race, dubbed “the best hangover cure known,” has been a firm fixture on the River Blackwater in Essex since the 1970s, raising thousands of pounds for charity. That’s one batch of cash that probably needs laundering afterwards. This years event was attended by 10,000 smarter people as they were only spectators.

MEXICAN BEAUTY QUEEN PART OF DRUG GANG

This story is seriously James Bond. Laura Zuniga, a Mexican beauty queen was caught with seven men, $55,000 and several assault weapons. They are suspects in a drug smuggling ring. All I can picture with this story is the sultry babe walking up to the bar, a couple of martinis – shaken, not stirred – and the next thing you know you’re in a high speed boat chase and guys with automatic weapons are sprouting from everywhere. Police say they suspect the dark-haired model, who won the Miss Sinaloa and Queen of Hispanic America pageants earlier this year, was the girlfriend of one of the men arrested. Investigators say he is linked to the Juarez cartel, which operates lucrative smuggling routes into the United States. Laura Zuniga has been dismissed as the official Hispanic America Queen 2008. Well, drugs certainly ruined her life. Dethroned, deposed, denounced, probably deflowered, and detained will end this one’s career. Maybe she could be a Bond girl.

NEW ATTRACTION: LAKE OF BEER

Just in time for New Years, a lake of beer was created in Kassel, Germany. Due to a mishap with a brewery delivery truck, the new landmark was created when 1600 bottles of beer came loose from the truck and smashed all over the road. The freezing cold temperatures froze the beer into a lake. It’s unfortunate that the lake will probably be gone by next year’s Oktoberfest. The truck, carrying 12 tonnes of freshly brewed beer, lost most of its load on a sharp left-hand turn at the bottom of a hill, according to Kassel police inspector Wolfgang Jungnitsch. “A sheet of ice quickly formed and the air was filled with beer fumes,” Jungnitsch said. Such a tragedy. The driver is suppossed to facing a fine for not securing his load. I think he should be prosecuted for alcohol abuse. It’s so hard to get good help these days.

 MAN OFFERS DAUGHTER TO SHOE-THROWING IRAQI JOURNALIST

A man in Egypt has decided that his daughter would be a suitable reward for the journalist that pitched his shoes at President Bush in Iraq on Sunday. If you haven’t heard of the incident, you should come out of your cave and pay attention once in a while. An Egyptian man said on Wednesday he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at George W. Bush in Baghdad. I think I’m detecting some strong feelings here. Now certainly Bush has endeared himself to nearly no one, but to have his attacker rewarded with wine, women and song, definately makes a statement.  The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. “This is something that would honour me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero,’” she told Reuters by telephone. This could be serious. She sounds like she’s already packed. Her father, Saad Gumaa, said he had called Dergham, Zaidi’s brother, to tell him of the offer. “I find nothing more valuable than my daughter to offer to him, and I am prepared to provide her with everything needed for marriage,” he added. What’s the matter with a simple Thank-You note. Maybe pay for his lawyer, you can bet he’s going to need that. Zaidi hasn’t given an answer to their “Proposal.” Now that he’s a celebrity, maybe it’s a good time to stay single.

STUTTER GIVES AWAY MAN’S IDENTITY IN ROBBERY

Some people never know when to keep their mouths shut. Take Fred Brantley from Lombard, Illinois for example. He decided he was going to rob a Dunkin’ Donuts shop where he used to work. He probably thought that it was smart hitting someplace he knew well. It probably never occurred to him that it was someplace that he might be known well too. Yes, even though he wore a ski mask, he made the mistake of opening his mouth. He stutters. After running off with $300, an employee calls the police and tells them about the crime and of course… who did it. Heck, they even still had his name and address on file as a former employee.  Yeah, smooth. Moral of story, take care of business and keep your mouth shut.

DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY, YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY

I like it when I come across a story that lets me know there’s still a little justice in the world. A man in Sizhou, China was showing off his monkey act. He apparently had three trained monkeys that did tricks. Monkeys learn quickly, especially when pain is involved. One of the monkeys wasn’t riding his mini-bicycle correctly so the trainer decided to beat the monkey viciously. That’s when it all went bad, for the trainer. The other two monkeys sprang to the the other’s rescue. While one monkey twisted their cruel master’s ears, another pulled his hair out in handfuls and bit his neck. Then, when he dropped his cane, the third snatched it up and began beating the trainer around the head until he broke the stick. I have to admit, I’m on the Monkey’s side in all of this, I would have kicked his ass too. The dazed trainer confessed: “They were once wild and these performances don’t always come naturally to them. They may have built up some feelings of hatred towards me.” I wonder what gave him that idea? Near as I can tell the monkeys are smarter than he is. He is currently being investigated for cruelty and may lose his monkeys. Hopefully they’ll be turned loose and no more monkey business for this guy.

 NO ILL FITTING GLOVES THIS TIME

Just as a milestone, the stupidest man on earth, O. J. Simpson, was sentenced to 15 years in prison. He could actually get out in nine. This man is complete idiot! He got away with murder, so what does he do, goes and commits another crime. He also writes a book telling how, if he would have committed the murder, this is how it would have been done. Simpson is obviously dead from the neck up. The sentence was imposed after Simpson, his voice shaking, told Judge Jackie Glass that he was sorry for his actions but believed that he did nothing wrong. The guy just doesn’t get it. Glass brushed his apology aside. “Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson, I didn’t know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both,” Glass said. “During the trial and through this proceeding, I got the answer, and it was both.” A jury convicted Simpson, 61, on 12 charges including conspiracy to commit a crime, robbery, assault and kidnapping with a deadly weapon stemming from a September 13, 2007, incident at Las Vegas’ Palace Station hotel and casino. Where in any of this does it seem that there was no wrong-doing. What a zero. Well, finally he’s going where he belongs. Maybe he can spark some enthusiasm on the prison football team. Ba-Bye. Don’t let the cell door hit you in the ass on the way in.

PSYCHO KILLER CAB DRIVERS

There certainly could be an argument made that some cab drivers are insane, but in Australia they’ve taken it to a new level. A court has ruled there that a criminally insane man convicted of killing his wife should be allowed drive a taxi. The man killed his wife, but escaped a murder conviction on the grounds of insanity. Australia’s Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal says he should be allowed to drive taxis. Now I have seen cab drivers that should be committed, but as far as I know, none of them were convicted killers. So if my cab driver starts heading for the outback instead of my hotel, should I be worried? The public transport minister, Lynne Kosky, says the law will be changed to stop people with similar backgrounds getting taxi licenses. Apparently she looked into her crystal ball, though it seems a little late now. She told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation: “The assurance that I can give to the public is that we will ensure that our taxi industry is safe, we will take all measures and we’re doing that to make sure that our taxi industry is safe, and we will take every step possible to appeal this decision.” Apparently the courts disagree with you. Does this mean that before I get into a cab, I should ask the driver “Have you taken your meds today?” I think I’ll just walk or rent a car when I’m in Australia.  I always knew those Aussies were a touch crazy, but this is a bit over the top.

KARAOKE DEATH

I hate karaoke. I have to admit that some singers, if can call them that, should be taken out back and shot. Well apparently in Malaysia, one Karaoke singer finally met an untimely end. Instead of shooting him though, the customers stabbed him to death. Police said witnesses saw a group of men punch and stab 23-year-old Abdul Sani Doli with a knife at the bar late Wednesday in eastern Sandakan town on Borneo island. Now here’s the thing, they didn’t kill him because his singing was bad. No, he was a microphone hog. Apparently the other bad singers weren’t getting enough mic time and they decided to do something about it. Let this be a lesson to all would-be singers, get up there, embarrass yourself and leave, please. No one wants to actually endure this for any length of time.

KARAOKE AT HOUSTON AIRPORT

OK, while we’re on the subject, don’t get grounded at the Bush International Airport in Houston, Texas. The lounge there has introduced karaoke to make your airport experience even more miserable.  They have set up karaoke booths for travelers, just in time for the holidays. Karaoke seemed the next logical step, said Caroline Schneider, assistant airport manager for customer service. “During the holidays, we have a lot of novice travelers,” she said. “We thought while they are waiting, they can just sing a song.” Well, that’s what you get for thinking. I say fire this woman immediately. Don’t you think that holiday travellers are annoyed enough? Who wants to listen to some drunk plumbing salesman from Cleveland slurring through “White Christmas” at the top of his lungs. I say no, evil, stupid idea. Schneider says small prizes will be given to the singers. Hopefully earplugs will be given to everyone else.

I GOT SUGAR IN YOUR COCAINE, YOU GOT COCAINE IN MY SUGAR

Now, I know that things like this go on all the time, but I’m always amazed when these guys get caught. Corruption in the police force is certainly nothing new, so when I read about the New Jersey police officer that swapped 10 pounds of Cocaine with sugar out of the evidence room, I really wasn’t surprised. The sweet thief, Alan Souto, a former Haledon council member and Passaic County sheriff’s officer, admitted to the sugar swap to conceal the thefts made during his time assigned to the evidence bureau. It looks like coffee and donuts weren’t quite doing it for this guy anymore. Apparently this was only the tip of the coke rock. The 20-year veteran had 24-hour access to the evidence vault and also admitted that he conspired from August 2007 to July 2008 to steal quantities of the narcotic with other co-conspirators for distribution. The thing that surprises me out of all of this is that the officer is a 20-year veteran. What goes so wrong in your life that you throw the whole thing away over something like this. I guess that just every once in a while, I just don’t get it.

CANDY CANE SAVES THANKSGIVING 

I’ve come to the conclusion that Californians are way too laid back. Normally, Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy time to spend with people you like. Granted it doesn’t always work out that way but we try. In Sacramento, some folks were enjoying a nice Thanksgiving in their yard and a neighbor apparently doesn’t like to see his neighbors happy. He attacks them with a knife. Now here’s the part that baffles me; he cut several peoples’ clothing before one of them decided to fight back. I would have kicked his ass as soon as I saw a knife coming at me. Finally, one man grabs a two-foot candy cane lawn ornament and knocks the crap out of the guy. Try to explain that when you get to jail. Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. Suspicion? The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense. Ya think? Hopefully he got an extra helping of turkey for saving all these other loser’s butts.

BREASTS LOST AT SEA 

 OK, picture this, you’re walking the shoreline and you find that it is littered with…breasts. Yea I know it sounds like something from a Dali painting. But it seems that there are 130,000 inflatable breasts lost at sea. Yes you could be sailing the ocean and off the port bow, it’s a school of breasts. I wonder if this could make National Geographic. The lost breasts were intended to be distributed with a men’s magazine in Australia named “Ralph.”  The magazine’s editor Santi Pintado asked anyone with information on the current whereabouts of its freebie to get in touch. He said: “Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.”  So the manhunt, er breasthunt begins. The container of breasts left the docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. They’ll probably turn up in the lost and fondle eventually.

FISH ART

For most of us, Fish Heads belong in the garbage. Certainly they would never be considered art. French artist Anne-Catherine Becker-Ech­ivard has been creating what she calls her depictions of everyday life. Now you have to decide if her art belongs in the garbage where the fish heads should have been left. Inspired by the silent movies of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, the Frenchwoman uses fish heads on models to address topics ranging from AIDS to repression. I still trying to figure out how she relates Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton to AIDS and Repression. This whole thing seems fishy to me. “Fish are a great method of communicating my opinions on this world,” says the 37-year-old, who lives in Berlin. Personally I think they’re a great way of communicating that you’re too lazy to take out the trash.

BILL CLINTON TO REPLACE HILLARY CLINTON?

The world keeps getting stranger as we go along. Now that Barack Obama has announced Hillary Clinton’s acceptance of the Secretary of State position, there becomes the issue of what to do about her empty senate seat. One of the names being bounced around is that of Bill Clinton. Of course there are other candidates as well that speculation is falling on, but let’s briefly consider this.  If Bill occupies her office, she doesn’t have to move her stuff out as quickly. Both of them know where the bathrooms are and don’t need the orientation tours. The two will probably be invited to guest host an episode of Saturday Night Live. That would be worth it alone.  Bill and Al Gore can attend Capitol Hill functions as the Blues Brothers and have the real band as backup. (This alone will save the taxpayers money on live entertainment fees.) As New York Senator he can get a free NY Jets, Brett Favre jersey. And last, but not least, they can tell the Obamas where the towels are kept. With a little luck the towels will still be there and not sent away by the Bush’s because they were in violation of the Patriot Act. Yes, Bill Clinton back on Capitol Hill, it sort of brings a little color back into the future doesn’t it.

BAD ACTING FROM ROBOTS

OK, I knew some acting can be bad, but where does this get entertaining. In Japan, the world’s first stage play was performed… by robots. Now I know some actors can be considered robots, but now, we apparently have the real thing. Thanks, to the Mitsubishi Corporation for bringing robot actors into the world. I don’t know why they couldn’t have come up with anything intelligent like robots that run into burning buildings. Although I have to admit that it’s probably better than having to watch Tom Cruise. The play they performed was about …what else… a happy time when humans and robots co-exist. It’s about a married couple that has two robots in the house. It’s a drama where the robots play an intensely passionate part which will probably get an Oscar buzz going. The scientists behind the production at Osaka University’s Department of Adaptive Machine Systems say they hope to have an all-robot production in theatres within the next two years. One of their fellow human actors admitted to growing fond of them: “You find yourself developing an affection for the robots. People were saying ‘they’re so cute,’ particularly the female robot. At first I wondered what the fuss was about but I found myself smiling while I was looking at them.” Apparently she didn’t get the concept that “Yes, even you can be replaced by a robot.” Yea you’ll think it’s cute until they elect one President. Of course it has to be Governor of California first.

GOD ORDERS CAR WRECK

This one is really weird. Do you ever wonder who’s in that car coming towards you or next to you. Well keep an eye on them because they might be talking to God. And what is God telling them to do? A man who rammed his truck into a woman’s vehicle on a highway early Friday told authorities he crashed into her while going more than 100 mph because God told him “she needed to be taken off the road.” I’m sure this came as a total surprise to the woman. Fortunately both only received minor injuries. “He just said God said she wasn’t driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road,” Bexar County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Kyle Coleman said in the online edition of the San Antonio Express-News. “God must have been with them, ’cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been fatal.” Apparently God was only kidding and had mercy on them both.

SPORTS CASKETS

Are you an avid sports fan? Do you want to show your team spirit, even after you’re gone to that ball stadium in the sky? Well now you can. The MLB is now allowing team logos to be printed on coffins. It’s likely other sports will follow soon. Eternal Images of Lansing, Michigan, has brokered a deal with Major League baseball to send fans into the afterlife, showing their colors so to speak. Their first coffin was sold to a Red Sox fan in Massachusetts. Now you can step up to plate, drop a few thousand and get sent out of the park in your own official team casket. I wonder if they come with a beer coozy?