MARTIAN DISCOVERY, MRS EIFFEL TOWER, PORTA-JOHN MISHAP, DERRIE-AIR, AND DWI COOLER
STRANGE WHITE CRAP FOUND ON MARS
Is this what we paid billions of dollars to find? A bunch of white crap on the surface of Mars. For god’s sake let’s get on with it. Either send somebody there or give it up. Scientists say this could be salt. Yippee, we found seasonings. The Lawrys corporation should be thrilled. “Salt would be very interesting because that’s what is left behind as water evaporates. That would be a very nice discovery, particularly if we knew exactly which salts they were,” principal investigator Peter Smith said. Why, so you can decide between pork or beef? The scientists are eager to find evidence of water on the surface of Mars because they are trying to determine if the Red Planet has ever supported life. Does that really matter? It doesn’t any more. It’s not going to be a sunny vacation spot. I’m not going to be impressed until some Martian creature walks up and kicks the lander. Then I’ll be impressed. After that, I want to know if there’s enough of them to have a hunting season. The lander has already returned the highest-resolution pictures ever taken of dust and sand on the surface of another planet. What an accomplishment. Dirt. We knew that already. Colored dirt. We knew that too. There you go, billions to probe the deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets of Mars with a little salt thrown on it. Stay tuned for more startling revelations from paradise.
WOMAN MARRIES THE EIFFEL TOWER
San Francisco, California resident, Erika La Tour Eiffel, yes, that is her real name, married the Eiffel Tower. Her strange relationship with the architectural icon is the subject of a documentary, The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower; the documentary also stars the wife of the Berlin Wall whom we featured here a while back. There’s nothing like giving these folks a little TV time to validate their weirdness. I guess every landmark needs someone to love. There’s nothing like a cold steel rail.
DRUNK, NAKED AND STUCK IN A PORT-A-JOHN
People endlessly amaze me but how they get into some situations is completely baffling. Take this story for instance. Police in Lebanon, Pennsyvania get a 911 call from a cell phone that has originated inside a porta-potty. A man has gotten himself stuck inside. Lock jammed? No. For some unfathomable reason he has gotten naked, is drunk and has immerssed himself in the holding tank. Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller said “I’ve been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first porta-potty rescue I’ve ever had.” Police charged the man with public drunkeness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. I hope they hosed him off before they threw him in the cell.
Derrie-Air the new airline that charges you by the pound. The more you weigh the more you pay. Yes, under the guise of being environmentally friendly, this advetisment for a new airline has been circulating around the east coast. Well, It’s a joke folks. The airline doesn’t exist and you reservations have been cancelled. It was an ad campaign to see how people respond to certain types of advertising. So it looks like you won’t be flying by the seat of your pants on this one.
BUSTED DRIVING MOTORIZED COOLER DRUNK
Did you know that you could get arrested for driving your cooler after consuming too much of what’s inside? Well it is true believe it or not. Yes you can get arrested for driving your motorized cooler drunk. Leslie J. “Bomber” Marr learned this the hard way when he was arrested on Memorial Day in Whitehall, NY and charged with DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle. Police saw him swerving around the streets and driving on the sidewalk on a cooler. Cruizin Coolers are becoming the newest rage in summer time transportation. Yes, you can drive you beverages to your favorite beach. It even has a hatch so you can pull out a icy cold drink while driving. That’s where the trouble begins. The hatch also has a cup/can holder on top, suggesting that this sort of activity is exactly what the designers had in mind. Not much of a leap in deduction there. Under state law, the cooler is still considered a motor vehicle so sobriety is a must, and a license is highly recommended. Do they have driving tests for a cooler? Do they have a special cooler driver’s license? Buzz around buzzed carrying your buzz. There’s a certain beauty in that.