NELSON MANDELA NOT TERRORIST, CAT NAPPED FOR DOG, ROCK AND ROLL FUNERALS, BEERS TO GO, AND BASKETBALL TO THE HEAD

 NELSON MANDELA TERRORIST NO MORE

 It seems the American Government has decided to give Nelson Mandela a birthday present. They’re taking him off the terrorist watch list. What idiot put him on there in the first place? Somebody was certainly scraping the bottom of the barrel for a government employee with that one. The former South African President is to be removed from a U.S. terrorism watch list under a bill President Bush signed Tuesday. Finally did something intelligent eh? “He had no place on our government’s terror watch list, and I’m pleased to see this bill finally become law,” said Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts. Ya think? Recognized as a symbol of freedom and equality, Mandela will turn 90 on July 18. Mandela shared the Nobel Peace Prize in 1993 with F. W. de Klerk, the South African president and National Party leader who worked with Mandela to end apartheid. Mandela replaced him as president in 1994 and served until 1999. Oh yea, that sounds like terrorism to me. “What it will do is make sure that there aren’t any extra hoops for either a distinguished individual, like former President Mandela, or other members of the African National Congress to get a U.S. visa,” State Department spokesman Tom Casey said.

 

Nelson Mandela on June 24, 2008, in London

CAT HELD FOR RANSOM FOR DOG 

There are reasons we’re suppossed to keep track of our pets. Take this case for instance. Linda Urioste’s black Labrador was recently picked up by animal control officers and later adopted by Jutta Hollar and her husband. That lab must have been missing for a long time. Hollar learned a couple of weeks later that Urioste had been to the shelter looking for the dog. Hollar says she had considered returning the animal until she met Urioste, who yelled and threatened to sue. That’s when Urioste came up with a plan. Catnapping! A few days later, the couple realized their cat was missing. Police say Urioste left a phone message with the Hollars saying that she had their cat and was willing to trade it for the dog. I can picture it now. Come alone, meet me on the bridge and we’ll make the swap. Police charged Urioste on Saturday with theft and extortion. Oops I guess that backfired. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. She was released from jail on a $6,000 bond.

NEW FUNERAL TRADITION IN AUSTRALIA

I like this idea. I’m going to make my requests now so that when I’m gone. let the party begin. Hymns are being replaced at funerals in one Australian city by popular rock classics like Led Zeppelin’s ‘Stairway to Heaven’ and AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell,’ a cemetery manager said Wednesday. Being an old rocker from way back, this idea works for me. At Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the southern city of Adelaide, only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘Abide With Me.’ The dude abides. The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC rock anthems rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns.  “Some of the more unusual songs we hear actually work very well within the service because they represent the person’s character,” Centennial Park chief executive Bryan Elliott said. Among other less conventional choices were ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’ by the Monty Python comedy team, ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,’ ‘Hit the Road Jack,’ ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ and ‘I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead.’ This is such a better idea than all that wimpering and whining that goes on. Rock on into the afterlife. I’m getting my playlist together.

SOME BEER TO GO 

Now, I have to admit, I’ve needed a beer rather anxiously, but this is a bit over the top. Lynne Rice, 74-years-old, of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe’s Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff’s Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler and pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, said the store owner, who gave only his last name, Awada, to the Long Beach Press-Telegram. “I don’t know how she managed to walk,” Awada said, adding a cashier declined the sale and instead called police. Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, Ha said. She was also arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence and released on $15,000 bail, authorities said. Awada said the crash destroyed two 6-foot-wide glass panels. Damage was put at about $8,000.

BASKETBALL TO THE HEAD!

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