Archive for December, 2008

DAUGHTER GIVEAWAY TO IRAQI JOURNALIST, STUTTERING ROBBER, AND MONKEY JUSTICE

Posted in Culture, Humor, Life, News, Personal, Politics, Random, Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 20, 2008 by mclassen

 MAN OFFERS DAUGHTER TO SHOE-THROWING IRAQI JOURNALIST

A man in Egypt has decided that his daughter would be a suitable reward for the journalist that pitched his shoes at President Bush in Iraq on Sunday. If you haven’t heard of the incident, you should come out of your cave and pay attention once in a while. An Egyptian man said on Wednesday he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at George W. Bush in Baghdad. I think I’m detecting some strong feelings here. Now certainly Bush has endeared himself to nearly no one, but to have his attacker rewarded with wine, women and song, definately makes a statement.  The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. “This is something that would honour me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero,'” she told Reuters by telephone. This could be serious. She sounds like she’s already packed. Her father, Saad Gumaa, said he had called Dergham, Zaidi’s brother, to tell him of the offer. “I find nothing more valuable than my daughter to offer to him, and I am prepared to provide her with everything needed for marriage,” he added. What’s the matter with a simple Thank-You note. Maybe pay for his lawyer, you can bet he’s going to need that. Zaidi hasn’t given an answer to their “Proposal.” Now that he’s a celebrity, maybe it’s a good time to stay single.

bush

STUTTER GIVES AWAY MAN’S IDENTITY IN ROBBERY

Some people never know when to keep their mouths shut. Take Fred Brantley from Lombard, Illinois for example. He decided he was going to rob a Dunkin’ Donuts shop where he used to work. He probably thought that it was smart hitting someplace he knew well. It probably never occurred to him that it was someplace that he might be known well too. Yes, even though he wore a ski mask, he made the mistake of opening his mouth. He stutters. After running off with $300, an employee calls the police and tells them about the crime and of course… who did it. Heck, they even still had his name and address on file as a former employee.  Yeah, smooth. Moral of story, take care of business and keep your mouth shut.

DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY, YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY

I like it when I come across a story that lets me know there’s still a little justice in the world. A man in Sizhou, China was showing off his monkey act. He apparently had three trained monkeys that did tricks. Monkeys learn quickly, especially when pain is involved. One of the monkeys wasn’t riding his mini-bicycle correctly so the trainer decided to beat the monkey viciously. That’s when it all went bad, for the trainer. The other two monkeys sprang to the the other’s rescue. While one monkey twisted their cruel master’s ears, another pulled his hair out in handfuls and bit his neck. Then, when he dropped his cane, the third snatched it up and began beating the trainer around the head until he broke the stick. I have to admit, I’m on the Monkey’s side in all of this, I would have kicked his ass too. The dazed trainer confessed: “They were once wild and these performances don’t always come naturally to them. They may have built up some feelings of hatred towards me.” I wonder what gave him that idea? Near as I can tell the monkeys are smarter than he is. He is currently being investigated for cruelty and may lose his monkeys. Hopefully they’ll be turned loose and no more monkey business for this guy.

Monkeys beat up trainer

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O J SIMPSON GOES UP THE RIVER, AUSTRALIA’S KILLER CABBIES, KARAOKE DEATH, AND MORE BAD KARAOKE IDEAS,

Posted in Humor, News, Politics, Random, Travel, Uncategorized with tags , on December 6, 2008 by mclassen

 NO ILL FITTING GLOVES THIS TIME

Just as a milestone, the stupidest man on earth, O. J. Simpson, was sentenced to 15 years in prison. He could actually get out in nine. This man is complete idiot! He got away with murder, so what does he do, goes and commits another crime. He also writes a book telling how, if he would have committed the murder, this is how it would have been done. Simpson is obviously dead from the neck up. The sentence was imposed after Simpson, his voice shaking, told Judge Jackie Glass that he was sorry for his actions but believed that he did nothing wrong. The guy just doesn’t get it. Glass brushed his apology aside. “Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson, I didn’t know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both,” Glass said. “During the trial and through this proceeding, I got the answer, and it was both.” A jury convicted Simpson, 61, on 12 charges including conspiracy to commit a crime, robbery, assault and kidnapping with a deadly weapon stemming from a September 13, 2007, incident at Las Vegas’ Palace Station hotel and casino. Where in any of this does it seem that there was no wrong-doing. What a zero. Well, finally he’s going where he belongs. Maybe he can spark some enthusiasm on the prison football team. Ba-Bye. Don’t let the cell door hit you in the ass on the way in.

PSYCHO KILLER CAB DRIVERS

There certainly could be an argument made that some cab drivers are insane, but in Australia they’ve taken it to a new level. A court has ruled there that a criminally insane man convicted of killing his wife should be allowed drive a taxi. The man killed his wife, but escaped a murder conviction on the grounds of insanity. Australia’s Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal says he should be allowed to drive taxis. Now I have seen cab drivers that should be committed, but as far as I know, none of them were convicted killers. So if my cab driver starts heading for the outback instead of my hotel, should I be worried? The public transport minister, Lynne Kosky, says the law will be changed to stop people with similar backgrounds getting taxi licenses. Apparently she looked into her crystal ball, though it seems a little late now. She told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation: “The assurance that I can give to the public is that we will ensure that our taxi industry is safe, we will take all measures and we’re doing that to make sure that our taxi industry is safe, and we will take every step possible to appeal this decision.” Apparently the courts disagree with you. Does this mean that before I get into a cab, I should ask the driver “Have you taken your meds today?” I think I’ll just walk or rent a car when I’m in Australia.  I always knew those Aussies were a touch crazy, but this is a bit over the top.

KARAOKE DEATH

I hate karaoke. I have to admit that some singers, if can call them that, should be taken out back and shot. Well apparently in Malaysia, one Karaoke singer finally met an untimely end. Instead of shooting him though, the customers stabbed him to death. Police said witnesses saw a group of men punch and stab 23-year-old Abdul Sani Doli with a knife at the bar late Wednesday in eastern Sandakan town on Borneo island. Now here’s the thing, they didn’t kill him because his singing was bad. No, he was a microphone hog. Apparently the other bad singers weren’t getting enough mic time and they decided to do something about it. Let this be a lesson to all would-be singers, get up there, embarrass yourself and leave, please. No one wants to actually endure this for any length of time.

KARAOKE AT HOUSTON AIRPORT

OK, while we’re on the subject, don’t get grounded at the Bush International Airport in Houston, Texas. The lounge there has introduced karaoke to make your airport experience even more miserable.  They have set up karaoke booths for travelers, just in time for the holidays. Karaoke seemed the next logical step, said Caroline Schneider, assistant airport manager for customer service. “During the holidays, we have a lot of novice travelers,” she said. “We thought while they are waiting, they can just sing a song.” Well, that’s what you get for thinking. I say fire this woman immediately. Don’t you think that holiday travellers are annoyed enough? Who wants to listen to some drunk plumbing salesman from Cleveland slurring through “White Christmas” at the top of his lungs. I say no, evil, stupid idea. Schneider says small prizes will be given to the singers. Hopefully earplugs will be given to everyone else.

POLICE OFFICER STEALS COCAINE, SAVED BY A CANDY CANE, LOST INFLATABLE BREASTS, AND FISH ART

Posted in Art, Humor, News, Politics, Random, Uncategorized with tags , on December 4, 2008 by mclassen

I GOT SUGAR IN YOUR COCAINE, YOU GOT COCAINE IN MY SUGAR

Now, I know that things like this go on all the time, but I’m always amazed when these guys get caught. Corruption in the police force is certainly nothing new, so when I read about the New Jersey police officer that swapped 10 pounds of Cocaine with sugar out of the evidence room, I really wasn’t surprised. The sweet thief, Alan Souto, a former Haledon council member and Passaic County sheriff’s officer, admitted to the sugar swap to conceal the thefts made during his time assigned to the evidence bureau. It looks like coffee and donuts weren’t quite doing it for this guy anymore. Apparently this was only the tip of the coke rock. The 20-year veteran had 24-hour access to the evidence vault and also admitted that he conspired from August 2007 to July 2008 to steal quantities of the narcotic with other co-conspirators for distribution. The thing that surprises me out of all of this is that the officer is a 20-year veteran. What goes so wrong in your life that you throw the whole thing away over something like this. I guess that just every once in a while, I just don’t get it.

CANDY CANE SAVES THANKSGIVING 

I’ve come to the conclusion that Californians are way too laid back. Normally, Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy time to spend with people you like. Granted it doesn’t always work out that way but we try. In Sacramento, some folks were enjoying a nice Thanksgiving in their yard and a neighbor apparently doesn’t like to see his neighbors happy. He attacks them with a knife. Now here’s the part that baffles me; he cut several peoples’ clothing before one of them decided to fight back. I would have kicked his ass as soon as I saw a knife coming at me. Finally, one man grabs a two-foot candy cane lawn ornament and knocks the crap out of the guy. Try to explain that when you get to jail. Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. Suspicion? The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense. Ya think? Hopefully he got an extra helping of turkey for saving all these other loser’s butts.

BREASTS LOST AT SEA 

 OK, picture this, you’re walking the shoreline and you find that it is littered with…breasts. Yea I know it sounds like something from a Dali painting. But it seems that there are 130,000 inflatable breasts lost at sea. Yes you could be sailing the ocean and off the port bow, it’s a school of breasts. I wonder if this could make National Geographic. The lost breasts were intended to be distributed with a men’s magazine in Australia named “Ralph.”  The magazine’s editor Santi Pintado asked anyone with information on the current whereabouts of its freebie to get in touch. He said: “Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.”  So the manhunt, er breasthunt begins. The container of breasts left the docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. They’ll probably turn up in the lost and fondle eventually.

FISH ART

For most of us, Fish Heads belong in the garbage. Certainly they would never be considered art. French artist Anne-Catherine Becker-Ech­ivard has been creating what she calls her depictions of everyday life. Now you have to decide if her art belongs in the garbage where the fish heads should have been left. Inspired by the silent movies of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, the Frenchwoman uses fish heads on models to address topics ranging from AIDS to repression. I still trying to figure out how she relates Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton to AIDS and Repression. This whole thing seems fishy to me. “Fish are a great method of communicating my opinions on this world,” says the 37-year-old, who lives in Berlin. Personally I think they’re a great way of communicating that you’re too lazy to take out the trash.

fish art

BILL CLINTON SENATOR, ROBOT THESPIANS, GOD BLAMED FOR WRECK, SPORTS COFFINS,

Posted in Ezine, Humor, News, Politics, Random, Sports, Technology, Uncategorized on December 2, 2008 by mclassen

BILL CLINTON TO REPLACE HILLARY CLINTON?

The world keeps getting stranger as we go along. Now that Barack Obama has announced Hillary Clinton’s acceptance of the Secretary of State position, there becomes the issue of what to do about her empty senate seat. One of the names being bounced around is that of Bill Clinton. Of course there are other candidates as well that speculation is falling on, but let’s briefly consider this.  If Bill occupies her office, she doesn’t have to move her stuff out as quickly. Both of them know where the bathrooms are and don’t need the orientation tours. The two will probably be invited to guest host an episode of Saturday Night Live. That would be worth it alone.  Bill and Al Gore can attend Capitol Hill functions as the Blues Brothers and have the real band as backup. (This alone will save the taxpayers money on live entertainment fees.) As New York Senator he can get a free NY Jets, Brett Favre jersey. And last, but not least, they can tell the Obamas where the towels are kept. With a little luck the towels will still be there and not sent away by the Bush’s because they were in violation of the Patriot Act. Yes, Bill Clinton back on Capitol Hill, it sort of brings a little color back into the future doesn’t it.

BAD ACTING FROM ROBOTS

OK, I knew some acting can be bad, but where does this get entertaining. In Japan, the world’s first stage play was performed… by robots. Now I know some actors can be considered robots, but now, we apparently have the real thing. Thanks, to the Mitsubishi Corporation for bringing robot actors into the world. I don’t know why they couldn’t have come up with anything intelligent like robots that run into burning buildings. Although I have to admit that it’s probably better than having to watch Tom Cruise. The play they performed was about …what else… a happy time when humans and robots co-exist. It’s about a married couple that has two robots in the house. It’s a drama where the robots play an intensely passionate part which will probably get an Oscar buzz going. The scientists behind the production at Osaka University’s Department of Adaptive Machine Systems say they hope to have an all-robot production in theatres within the next two years. One of their fellow human actors admitted to growing fond of them: “You find yourself developing an affection for the robots. People were saying ‘they’re so cute,’ particularly the female robot. At first I wondered what the fuss was about but I found myself smiling while I was looking at them.” Apparently she didn’t get the concept that “Yes, even you can be replaced by a robot.” Yea you’ll think it’s cute until they elect one President. Of course it has to be Governor of California first.

Robot play

 

GOD ORDERS CAR WRECK

This one is really weird. Do you ever wonder who’s in that car coming towards you or next to you. Well keep an eye on them because they might be talking to God. And what is God telling them to do? A man who rammed his truck into a woman’s vehicle on a highway early Friday told authorities he crashed into her while going more than 100 mph because God told him “she needed to be taken off the road.” I’m sure this came as a total surprise to the woman. Fortunately both only received minor injuries. “He just said God said she wasn’t driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road,” Bexar County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Kyle Coleman said in the online edition of the San Antonio Express-News. “God must have been with them, ’cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been fatal.” Apparently God was only kidding and had mercy on them both.

SPORTS CASKETS

Are you an avid sports fan? Do you want to show your team spirit, even after you’re gone to that ball stadium in the sky? Well now you can. The MLB is now allowing team logos to be printed on coffins. It’s likely other sports will follow soon. Eternal Images of Lansing, Michigan, has brokered a deal with Major League baseball to send fans into the afterlife, showing their colors so to speak. Their first coffin was sold to a Red Sox fan in Massachusetts. Now you can step up to plate, drop a few thousand and get sent out of the park in your own official team casket. I wonder if they come with a beer coozy?