MARTIAN DISCOVERY, MRS EIFFEL TOWER, PORTA-JOHN MISHAP, DERRIE-AIR, AND DWI COOLER

STRANGE WHITE CRAP FOUND ON MARS

Is this what we paid billions of dollars to find? A bunch of white crap on the surface of Mars. For god’s sake let’s get on with it. Either send somebody there or give it up. Scientists say this could be salt. Yippee, we found seasonings. The Lawrys corporation should be thrilled. “Salt would be very interesting because that’s what is left behind as water evaporates. That would be a very nice discovery, particularly if we knew exactly which salts they were,” principal investigator Peter Smith said. Why, so you can decide between pork or beef? The scientists are eager to find evidence of water on the surface of Mars because they are trying to determine if the Red Planet has ever supported life. Does that really matter? It doesn’t any more. It’s not going to be a sunny vacation spot. I’m not going to be impressed until some Martian creature walks up and kicks the lander. Then I’ll be impressed. After that, I want to know if there’s enough of them to have a hunting season. The lander has already returned the highest-resolution pictures ever taken of dust and sand on the surface of another planet. What an accomplishment. Dirt. We knew that already. Colored dirt. We knew that too. There you go, billions to probe the deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets of Mars with a little salt thrown on it. Stay tuned for more startling revelations from paradise. 

WOMAN MARRIES THE EIFFEL TOWER 

San Francisco, California resident, Erika La Tour Eiffel, yes, that is her real name, married the Eiffel Tower. Her strange relationship with the architectural icon is the subject of a documentary, The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower; the documentary also stars the wife of the Berlin Wall whom we featured here a while back. There’s nothing like giving these folks a little TV time to validate their weirdness. I guess every landmark needs someone to love. There’s nothing like a cold steel rail.

DRUNK, NAKED AND STUCK IN A PORT-A-JOHN

People endlessly amaze me but how they get into some situations is completely baffling. Take this story for instance. Police in Lebanon, Pennsyvania get a 911 call from a cell phone that has originated inside a porta-potty. A man has gotten himself stuck inside. Lock jammed? No. For some unfathomable reason he has gotten naked, is drunk and has immerssed himself in the holding tank. Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller said “I’ve been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first porta-potty rescue I’ve ever had.” Police charged the man with public drunkeness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. I hope they hosed him off before they threw him in the cell.

FLY DERRIE-AIR

 Derrie-Air the new airline that charges you by the pound. The more you weigh the more you pay. Yes, under the guise of being environmentally friendly, this advetisment for a new airline has been circulating around the east coast. Well, It’s a joke folks. The airline doesn’t exist and you reservations have been cancelled.  It was an ad campaign to see how people respond to certain types of advertising. So it looks like you won’t be flying by the seat of your pants on this one.

BUSTED DRIVING MOTORIZED COOLER DRUNK

Did you know that you could get arrested for driving your cooler after consuming too much of what’s inside? Well it is true believe it or not. Yes you can get arrested for driving your motorized cooler drunk. Leslie J. “Bomber” Marr learned this the hard way when he was arrested on Memorial Day in Whitehall, NY and charged with DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle. Police saw him swerving around the streets and driving on the sidewalk on a cooler. Cruizin Coolers are becoming the newest rage in summer time transportation. Yes, you can drive you beverages to your favorite beach.  It even has a hatch so you can pull out a icy cold drink while driving. That’s where the trouble begins. The hatch also has a cup/can holder on top, suggesting that this sort of activity is exactly what the designers had in mind. Not much of a leap in deduction there. Under state law, the cooler is still considered a motor vehicle so sobriety is a must, and a license is highly recommended. Do they have driving tests for a cooler? Do they have a special cooler driver’s license? Buzz around buzzed carrying your buzz. There’s a certain beauty in that.

JEFF PECKMAN ALIEN VIDEO, UFO MARRIAGE, JAVAN RHINOS, DOG CAMPAIGNERS, AND NANO NOODLES

JEFF PECKMAN’S ALIEN VIDEO 

JEFF PECKMAN ON DAVID LETTERMAN – JUNE 10

JEFF PECKMAN AND STAN ROMANEK ON LARRY KING – MAY 30

Jeff Peckman of Denver, Colorado has promised the local city council a video that shows an alien peeping into a window. Did you know aliens peek? This video is suppossed to be a part of a documentary on the rise of alien visits. Jeff Peckman, who is pushing a ballot initiative to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver to prepare the city for close encounters of the alien kind, said the video is authentic and convinced him that aliens exist. Must be they stopped by to catch a Rockies game. Peckman said the public will have to wait to see it because it’s being included in a documentary by Stan Romanek, a Colorado native who has reported UFO sightings. So, let’s see, we have an alien video that is going to be shown to the local city commission later today, but no one else gets to view it. That’s convincing. Maybe they are negotiating for a contract with Fox to show it, kind of like the “Alien Autopsy” thing was. “There is no doubt in my mind that (Stan Romanek, a Colorado native who has reported UFO sightings) did not post-produce this material. In other words, it’s not a trick done in special effects,” Jerry Hofmann, a professional film editor with more than 30 years of experience, said in a telephone interview. “I have equipment that will test to see if that shot was recorded originally on that tape, which it was,” he said. All that says is it was actually shot on video tape with no post production work. OK, no digitally enhanced special effects. Hofmann continues, “The thing is about 4 feet tall. The only thing that shows up in the video is his head. It pops up from underneath a window. But his eyes blink. His cheeks move. He turns his head side-to-side. This would be a very elaborate puppet.” It was very nice of that little alien to make sure they got frontal and profile views of him. Sort of reminds me of a mug shot. Well, the hype is on. The debate rages. Certainly the publicity groundwork is already done.  I can’t wait for this on DVD. Maybe the special features will show how they faked the whole thing. “We found this guy at the carney and thought, wow he kind of looks like an alien. He did it for a pack of smokes and some beer.” 

 

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TRIGGERS UFO ALERT

Since we’re on the subject, in Berlin, Germany, police suddenly received several phone calls from citizens saying they’d sighted UFOs and unusual lights flying above the town of Plattling. This proves how easily people are fooled into believing that aliens are everywhere. When police arrived they found a 29-year old man had just proposed to his girlfriend. He’d thought it would be romantic if he sent up 50 paper lanterns to go with his special moment. The girlfriend said yes. Not every light in the sky is a prelude to invasion.

RARE JAVAN RHINOS

These are the world’s rarest rhinos. There are only around 70 Javan Rhinos in the wild, about 60 of which live in Ujung Kulon National Park on the western tip of Java island. The remainder live in Vietnam. In the first month of operation, five infrared video traps have captured two images of the camera-shy mother and calf, said Adhi Rachmat Hariyadi, head of the World Wildlife Federation’s Ujung Kulon project. “It is very unusual to catch a glimpse of the Javan Rhino deep inside the rain forest,” he said, adding the attacked camera was undamaged and put back on its stand the day after the incident. WWF officials say they plan to relocate several of the rhinos in the park to another part of Indonesia in the hope that they breed. Otherwise, they fear the species could be wiped out in the event of disease or natural disaster. Good luck with that one. I suspect they won’t go quietly.

DOGS USED AS CAMPAIGNERS 

 In Bacau, Romania, one of the locals campaigning for mayor has come up with an arguably strange idea to get the word out on his campaign. He has turned a pack of stray dogs loose with posters saying “Vote for Radu Nicolau” on their backs. Local animal rights groups are infuriated calling it sick exploitation. I’m not sure how sick it is, but it is creative. Mr. Nicolau was unrepentent, saying: “I love dogs and they can spread the word about my campaign to lots of places quicker than me and my campaign team could.” Plus I suspect, they work for biscuits. There’s nothing like turning loose a pack of dogs on your constiuents.

NANO-NOODLES AND NOODLE BOWL

In this Dec., 2006 photomicrograph released Thursday, May 29, 2008 by The Nakao Hamaguchi Laboratory of the University of Tokyo, a ‘carbon nanotube ramen’ in a bowl with diameter measuring one-thousandth of a millimeter (one-25,000th of an inch) produced by the university’s mechanical engineering Prof. Masayuki Nakao and his students in a project aimed at developing nanotube-processing technology is shown. ‘We believe it’s the world’s smallest ramen bowl, with the smallest portion of noodles inside, though they’re not edible,’ Nakao said. They wouldn’t do much for the appetite anyway. It could be a new concept for dieting though. The microscopic bowl was first created in December 2006, but was only released Thursday after it was entered for a microphotography competition. The students said they did it for fun. OK I have a different definition of fun. Does girls and rice beer mean anything?

CHELSEA CLINTON, GUN OR GAS, JAILED POLITICIANS, BARE BUTT POSTER, AND MECHAPHILIA

 CHELSEA CLINTON – THE NEXT GENERATION?

In an exclusive interview with Bill Clinton in People Magazine, he’s asked would Chelsea ever consider a career in politics? This leaves some interesting prospects for the future. A Clinton dynasty? Well it’s got to be better than the one the Bush’s have handed us. Clinton had an interesting answer.  “Before Iowa, I would have said, ‘No way. She is too allergic to anything we do.’ But she is really good at it. It all changed after Iowa. She realized her mother lost Iowa 100 percent because of younger voters. She was upset, bawled, went to her employer and said, ‘Look, you got to let me go or give me an indefinite leave of absence. I’m not letting my mother go down like this.'” It appears that Chelsea has some of her mother’s tenacity and getting her mother’s back gets her big time points. Chelsea has been a continuing presence in Hillary’s campaign and has been dealing with some tough questions on some tough issues. In the People interview, Clinton called his daughter’s “emergence” the “second best thing” of the campaign, after his wife’s resiliency. The former President also made a comment about a press bias against Hillary. “I think most of the press people are in Obama’s demographic. They need a feeling more than they perceive they need a President. There have been times when I thought I was literally lost in a fun house.”  I’m not so sure he’s correct there, but he does go on to say about Obama, “I don’t know him very well. But, I do think it’s better to have made a lot of decisions before you get to be President.” This People interview is definately worth a read and it hits newstands today. Could Chelsea get a taste for politics? Could we be seeing the continuation of the Clinton influence on American politics for the future? It sounds awfully Kennedy to me.

NEW CAR DEAL – GUN OR GAS?

At a new car dealership in Butler, Missouri they are offering a bang-up special deal. You can put $250 to either get a new handgun or gas with any purchase through the end of the month. General Manager, Walter Moore of Max Motors says most people are opting for the handgun. He recommends the semi-automatic model because it holds more rounds.  That doesn’t surprise me, with the handgun you can get your gas for free. Moore says, “Down here, we all believe in God, guts and guns.” Well, this IS the state that gave us Frank and Jesse James.

GERMAN GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS LOCKED UP BY ACCIDENT

A group of German officials were locked away in a jail previously run by the East German Stasi, the former secret police. Thinking all visitors had left, staff closed up the memorial museum that was the Stasi’s main jail, and shut the high-ranking representatives from Germany‘s 16 states inside. I bet that brought on some unintentional enlightenment. “It was a misunderstanding,” said Siegfried Reiprich, deputy director of the complex in eastern Berlin, on Wednesday. I’m sure he was hoping that he wouldn’t be fired over the mixup. Realizing they were trapped, the group called the federal Chancellery late on Tuesday and urgently requested to be let out.  About half an hour later the officials were freed from the complex where political opponents of the East German regime were once interrogated by their captors. I wish some of our politicians would “accidentally” get locked away. Then just don’t answer the phone. Anybody up for a trip to Alcatraz?

 BRITISH MAN HAS BARE BUTT POSTERED AROUND TOWN

 Pasha Cummings of Seaford, England is the latest victim of the fury of a woman scorned. According to his recently exited wife, Carol, he had been cheating on her and she decided to get even. She had 200 posters of him printed and then posted all over town on lampposts, bus stops, and walls that shows him and his bare butt posing at a barbeque. I have to admit, that would be something that should come under a blight law. Beneath the ‘glamour shot’, the posters read: ‘Pasha Cummings: lying, cheating, two-timing arse! Sandra Beckworth is no better.’ Sandra is apparently the “other” woman. Carol exited the country for Cyprus immediately upon distribution of the controversial poster. People have come up with the most creative ways to slander each other lately. Youtube, Ebay, now this. They’re certainly being creative. What ever happened to keeping your dirty laundry behind closed doors.

MAN CLAIMS SEX WITH 1000 CARS

Never buy a used car from this man, “used” being the operative word here. Edward Smith has a sexual attraction for mechanical vehicles. I guess they wouldn’t complain if you’re not very good. Smith, 57, says he first had sex with a car at the age of 15 and has banged out the fenders of more than 1000. He claims he has never been attracted to women or men and cars are just his preference. OK, something went seriously wrong here. I’ve heard of having a passion for your cars but, this is a bit over the top. They even have a name for this: mechaphilia. He is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together through the Internet. Smith, who now lives with his current “girlfriend,” a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, said he has no desire to change his ways. Of course not, all his desire is aimed at this poor VW’s fender. “I’m not sick,” he said, “And I don’t want to hurt anyone.” That, may be a matter of opinion. If the car doesn’t start, does that mean no? Does he consider Herbie the Love Bug porn? This guy would be a riot at a NASCAR rally.

 LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE:

HILLARY-DISTILLERY, WIZARDRY REFUTED, PIGGYBACK PLANE, INDIANA JONES, AND ROBOT SYMPHONY

HILLARY AND THE DISTILLERY

Hillary Clinton seems to be finding ways to kick back and relax while on the campaign trail. She’s found ways to put down beer, do shots of Crown Royal and now she’s stopped off to see how Maker’s Mark is made. I’ll give her credit she has taste. She also seems to be having a bit of fun and finding moments to relax while taking her message around the country. Actually if I had to put with some of the crap people were writing about me I’d find a way to down the occassional cocktail too. Clinton stopped by to see how the Maker’s Mark process worked and delivered a message to some folks that were parked on the grass to see her. “All those people on TV who are telling you and everybody else that this race is over and I should just be graceful and say, ‘Oh it’s over’ even though I’ve won more votes – those are all people who have a job,” Clinton told supporters picnicking in the gardens of the distillery. “Those are all people who have health care. Those are all people who can afford to send their kids to college. Those are all people who can pay whatever is charged at the gas pump. They’re not the people I’m running to be a champion for.” She reminds me of Tim Allen in Galaxyquest: Never give up, Never surrender. Hopefully she’ll be appearing at a local pub near me so I can go knock a couple back with Hillary. Maybe her husband will tag along and we can go out back and not inhale. 

FLORIDA SCHOOL REFUTES FIRING TEACHER FOR WIZARDRY

On May 5th, it was reported that Jim Piculas had been fired for making a toothpick disappear and reappear. According to him he received a phone call saying “We’ve got a problem, Wizardry,” and was told he couldn’t have any more substitute teacher assignments. He was fired. Now the Land o lakes school board is trying to deperately refute Piculas’ claim. It’s no wonder. The have received as many as 50 phone calls and emails a day from across the country, angry at this rather narrow perspective on performing a trick in front of kids. Now that they nationally look like idiots, they’ve changed their tune. According to the school and Marge Whaley, a member of the school board, the decision was based on complaints that they had about Piculas using profane language, couldn’t control the class and putting a student in charge. None of the complaining parents have come forward.

 PLANE LANDS ON TOP OF ANOTHER

Land, land, where to land. A couple of pilots got their messages mixed up in Roanoake, VA yesterday when they were figuring out who had the runway. Air traffic control must have been sleeping through this one. Apparently they both thought that the runway was his and just as the inbound aircraft was about to touch down the outbound plane pulled under it. The move was perfectly timed. The first aircraft landed right on top of the other, lodging its propeller into the lower fuselage and coming to a halt directly on the other’s roof. Fortunately nobody was injured. These were pilots with guardian angels on their shoulders. The video below shows the planes after landing. Check it out.

INDIANA JONES PREMIERES TO MIXED REVIEWS

The new Indiana Jones film premiered in Cannes. This is one of the big movies I’ve personally been waiting for. The audience coming out weren’t as enthusiastic as they were going in.  I think maybe, myself included, may be expecting too much out of the new Indy movie. Harrison Ford is older now than Sean Connery was when he played his father. Also it is going around that the Shia Lebouf character is actually the love child of Indy and Marion Ravenwood which is played by Karen Allen. I wonder if they named him Illinois. George Lucas is already hinting at a possible fifth Indy movie. Good grief, Harrison Ford will be in a Rascal Scooter by then. What’s it going to be called, Indiana Jones and the … He’s too old to remember? Maybe he should just come up with a new movie concept. He’s done nothing but sequels for decades. Wait a minute, wasn’t the last original movie he did Howard the Duck? Never mind.

ROBOT CONDUCTS DETROIT SYMPHONY

If they’re worried in Detroit about robots taking their jobs, they have reason to be. A robot named ASIMO, Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility, sucessfully conducted the Detroit Symphony Orchestra in a performance of the Impossible Dream. This proves once and for all that anyone or anything can conduct a well trained orchestra. It also shows that someone had way too much time on their hands. I’m betting a government grant had something to do with this. Build a robot that runs into a burning building, then I’ll be impressed.

BARACK OBAMA SWEETIE, DOLLY PARTON – HOWARD STERN, TEXAN SHOOTS ITCH, AND SMALLEST HELICOPTER

BARACK OBAMA, NOT SMOOTH

During a campaign stop in Sterling Heights, Michigan, a reporter, Peggy Agar tried to ask Obama a question, he told her to “Hold on Sweetie.” If Barack is trying to be smooth, this isn’t it. I haven’t heard anything like this since a drunk Mel Gibson called a female police officer “Sugar Titties.” Well, at least it wasn’t Helen Johnson he was calling Sweetie. He did call and apologize via voicemail: “Second apology is for using the word ‘sweetie.’ That’s a bad habit of mine. I do it sometimes with all kinds of people. I mean no disrespect and I am duly chastened on that front. Feel free to call me back. I expect that my press team will be happy to try to make it up to you whenever we are in Detroit next.” He still never answered her intitial question which was “How are you going to help the American autoworker?” Barack has continously proven how unsmooth he is. Shooting pool in West Virginia in a shirt and tie, not smooth. Bowling in Pennsylvania, this wouldn’t have even gotten him one of those cheezy bleached blonde bowling alley babes, not smooth. Once again Obama is proving his inexperience as a politician. Is this an example of his future diplomacy?  When he meets a female diplomat, is he going to call them “Honey” or “Darlin’?”  Just what we need is more blundering in the White House after the last eight years from someone else who doesn’t have a clue about how to do the job. Not Smooth!

LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE! OBAMA IN STERLING HEIGHTS:

 
 

DOLLY PARTON TAKES ON HOWARD STERN

Dolly Parton is going to sue Howard Stern for well, being Howard. He took some clips from her audio book and cut them up so that they say some absolutely digusting statements. The cutting was pretty poor and you can easily tell that the clipping is a hack job. “I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,” Parton said in a statement on Wednesday. “I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this.” She concluded: “If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.” This is a bit that Howard has done on his satellite radio show and she’s not the first to get the treatment. I think she should leave it go, because she’s just giving Howard more publicity. He’ll make more this way than the suit will be worth. The best thing to do with Howard is ignore him.

 TEXAS MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF SCRATCHING HIS BACK

Jorge Espinal had an itch he had to scratch. He left the table where he had been drinking and playing poker with his buddies. Yes alcohol was involved here. Go figure. Something possessed him, I’m guessing stupidity, to use a revolver as a back scratcher. It was loaded, like he was and he shot himself in the back. He was taken to a Fort Worth hospital and treated for non-life threatening injuries. Can he prosecute himself for assault? His friends though he was joking until they saw the blood. I guess they couldn’t believe he was that stupid either. 

WORLD’S SMALLEST HELICOPTER HONORS DAVINCI

Seventy-five-year-old Gennai Yanagisawa says he will fly his one-man helicopter in the city of Vinci, near Florence, Italy, on May 25. Yanagisawa describes the demonstration as a tribute to the Renaissance-era visionary’s original idea of an “aerial screw.” It looks like something you’d expect from a James Bond film. “Italian people seem to welcome my realizing of DaVinci’s idea in his birthplace,” he said. “I want to make my best flight so that I can live up to their expectations.” Vinci Mayor Dario Parrini offered him an opportunity to fly his helicopter when the two met in the Italian city. I think old Leonardo would have loved this and would have wanted to go for a ride. I can just see him buzzing around giggling his butt off, that hair and beard blowing behind him.

CLINTON DOWN – NOT OUT, DEATH BY PLAYSTATION, NEIL YOUNG SPIDER, STUCK DOG, AND MOM’S OVERTURE

 HILLARY CLINTON LOOKS AHEAD TO WEST VIRGINIA

Whether you support her or not, you have to give her credit for not giving up easily. Hillary spent Mother’s Day in West Virginia in a effort to take that state’s primary on Tuesday. Obama spent the weekend in Chicago counting his chickens before they’ve hatched by planning his post convention campaign. Clinton is currently the picture of tenacity as she continues in a campaign that many have declared officially dead. She has stated that she is in it until June and it appears that she means it. One thing’s for sure, Hillary is going down swinging if she goes down at all. She may surprise everyone by having a political near death experience. Everybody out of the way. Charge up the pads. Clear. We’ve got a heartbeat.

 

MAN KILLS NEIGHBOR OVER PLAYSTATION

Edward Stoddard Jr. from Land O Lakes, Florida, suspected his neighbor, Douglas Abrams of borrowing his Playstation 3. The two apparently argued over it and Stoddard shot Abrams, killing him. I would say this guy needed to get a life but now that’s not an option. He’s currently housed in the Dade County lockup awaiting trial. Well I bet he won’t get his PS3 in prison. He’s going to learn about a brand new game, It’s called “Bend over I’ll drive.” The graphics are very realistic.

NEIL YOUNG SPIDER

Neil Young has had a spider named after him. An East Carolina University biologist named Bond, Jason Bond, has discovered a new species of Trap Door Spider and has named it after his favorite musician, Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. Why a trap door spider reminds him of Neil Young has eluded me but hey it’s a nice gesture anyway.  Bond says that spiders are determined from one species to the next by differences in their genitalia. Now I’m really lost as to what this has to do with Neil Young. Is he an exgroupie? Does he know something about Neil the rest of us don’t? It make you want to go HMMMM. 

BATMOBILE ON EBAY

Apparently the Tim Burton Batmobile is going up for auction on Ebay for half a mil. It can’t be coincidence that this is just in time for the release of the new Batman movie “the Dark Knight.” Yes, you can now cruise around pretending that You, Yes, you can be the caped crusader. Now if you can get one of your friends to don the idiot tights of Robin you can hit the bars. It should send all the girls to you because they certainly aren’t going to him. Buy a beer for the “Wingman.”

DOG FOUND IN TRUCK ENGINE

I may know whay you vehicle has been running doggy lately. Have you ever opend up the hood of your vehicle and found a …dog? Squirrels, chipmunks, I’ve come across a lot of small critters in there but never a dog. Walter Witthoef opened the hood of his F-150 and there staring at him was a stuck pit bull terrier. He had somehow wriggled his way into the back of the engine and was impatiently waiting for someone to let him out or give him a biscuit. To amuse himself while he waited, he sat and chewed on everything in sight. Ah boredom. Animal services arrived and freed the dog who was then reunited with his owner, none the worse for wear. Next time your vehicle won’t start, check the plugs, check the wires and don’t forget to look for the dog.

 

NOW FOR OUR COMEDY MOMENT OF THE DAY: If you haven’t seen this you really need to. Ode to Mom by Anita Renfroe