MONEY TO GO, DON’T TELL MOM, HAIRDRESSER LSD BLINDNESS CURE, and ROADKILL AND DRUNK SAMARITAN

 

Robbers Call Bank for Money to Go

Welcome to another moment of I couldn’t get it right if I tried. In Fairfield, Conn.  Police say they had ample warning of a bank robbery because the two suspects called the bank ahead of time and told an employee to get a bag of money ready. I suppose they wanted them to shove it out through the drive-up window too. Police arrested 27-year-old Albert Bailey and an unidentified 16-year-old boy on robbery and threatening charges Tuesday afternoon at a People’s United Bank branch in Fairfield. I’m just imagining how this conversation must have gone: “Hello, May I help you?” “Yes, we’ll be by in just  a few minutes and my partner and I are going to pob your bank. Could you be so kind as to have the money ready when we arrive.” “Why sir that won’t be a problem at all. We’re looking forward to doing business with you.” Sgt. James Perez says the two Bridgeport residents showed up about 10 minutes after making the call and were met by police in the parking lot. There’s nothing like crooks phoning in their own tip. Perez told the Connecticut Post the suspects were “not too bright.” Well, it goes to show you that making reservations is good for some things, bank robbery, not so good. Lesson learned? You need to actually have an IQ to be a thief.

Give Me All of Your Money and Don’t tell My Mom.

In this little story more ineptitude abounds. A teen robber asked a clerk not to “tell my mom” what he’d done before fleeing from the scene of his attempted hold-up in a Salt Lake City store. I have to admit, after that, the first thing I would do is call his mom. If he’s more afraid of her than the cops. that’s saying something about mom. Police said the teenager went into a convenience store early last Saturday morning and approached the counter with numerous items. So far so good. As the clerk put his supposed purchases through the till, the would-be thief tried to sneak behind him and hold a knife to his neck. A knife? If you’re going to enter a life of crime, you need real weapons. But the quick-thinking clerk spun around with his hands up and hit the teenager in the face, knocking him to the floor. I’m betting this kid was a computer geek that ran out of munchies playing World of Warcraft and thought the magic knife he got from the Dwarven master would hold its own in the real world. Wrong. Just before he took off, the teen asked his victim not to call the police and added: “Don’t tell my mom.” That really worked. Now its all over the internet and everyone knows. I hope your mom takes your WOW account away from you.

Shaman Tells Blind Man LSD Laced Gherkins Are Cure

We’re just full of them today. A “mystic” has been jailed for eight months after claiming he could cure a blind man by feeding him gherkins laced with LSD. How do you convince someone of that? “Eat this pickle man, it’s magic. It’ll cure what ails you.” Jobless hairdresser Patrick Baecker, 35, posed as a mystic healer and told Axel Pfeffer he would make him see for £20,000. (approx 40,000 USD) Apparently it didn’t work. Imagine that. The court in Fehmarn, Germany, heard how the former motorcyclist had tried everything to restore his sight after losing it in a crash. Yes lawyers are good at putting that poor poor pitiful me spin on things. Quick reality check, dude you paid a lot of money to a hairdresser who told you he’d cure you with a pickle. I bet they weren’t even brand name pickles. Baecker fed him pickles laced with powerful mind-bending hallucinogenic drugs to induce visions. You’ll see alright, but we didn’t guarantee what. “You are a hairdresser, not a shaman,” Judge Markus Faerber told Baecker in court. He’s also not a very good con man. Jail time for you.

Drunk Man Tries to Revive Opossum

We now round out our collection of screw-ups and yo-yos with this tasty tidbit. Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a dead opossum along a highway. I wonder if the opossum is playing ‘possum? Now the other question… CPR or Mouth to Mouth? State police in Punxsutawney say several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday afternoon. Hey, isn’t that the place where they have the official groundhog for Groundhog’s Day? Isn’t his name Phil? Maybe the guy thought he was saving Phil’s life, a hero of the community and all that. No, I’m not buying it either. Police arrested him along the highway, Route 36, in Oliver Township, about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. A state police news release did not specify how Wolfe was allegedly trying to revive the roadkill. And we thank them for that. That may have just been too much information.

 

PRINCE HARRY HAMMERED, MAN REPORTS DRUGS STOLEN, POSTCARD TO J.R.R. TOLKIEN, FACE IN THE TREE, AND GORBACHOV KILLS ZOMBIES

PRINCE HARRY GETS HAMMERED IN LESOTHO

Prince Harry worked up a sweat Tuesday as he carted wheelbarrows of cement mixture, filled a ditch and hammered nails from old roofing boards. The young royal was helping refurbish a school for mentally and physically disabled children under the auspices of a charity he founded in the impoverished African kingdom of Lesotho in memory of his late mother. Asked if Princess Diana, known for her charity work around the world, would be proud, he said simply: “I hope so.” I’m sure she would be. We see so much today about what The British Royal family is doing to create the newest flap, but we rarely hear about what they are doing that makes the world better. Harry and his regiment from the Household Cavalry were helping put in wheelchair access, build a new kitchen and lay fencing around the Thuso Center. “I love physical labor,” he said at the start of a three-week visit. “It would be wrong to be a patron of a charity and not get involved.” How often do you hear somebody that’s rich and famous say that. The African trip by members of the Household Cavalry has been planned for some time, but the decision to help the project in Lesotho was suggested by Harry. The Prince first visited Lesotho in 2004, when he met young tuberculosis and AIDS sufferers. Harry and his regiment put in eight hours a day working on the center, occasionally getting in a game of football with local villagers. Violet Moqolobane, 44, a disabled woman who works at the center, was impressed to see the tall, redheaded Harry taking part in both games and work. “Most chiefs don’t act like him,” she said. “They think they are so important.” Pootsela Tseisa, 24, said Harry was behaving as true royalty should. “He loves us. We are one for him, not black or white,” he said. “This is a good example that we should follow. It doesn’t matter how rich or how wealthy your family is.”

 

MAN CALLS POLICE TO REPORT DRUGS STOLEN

They say that drugs affect your mind and destroy brain cells. In this case it was probably true, but truthfully, I’m not sure he had too many to start with. An East Hartford, Connecticutt man called police to report he had been robbed while trying to buy crack cocaine. You can tell already, this plan is flawed. Max Minnefield called police Monday to tell them he had paid a man and a woman $8 for drugs he never received. Maybe he should have called Walmart. Police charged him with criminal attempt to commit possession of narcotics. During his arraignment Tuesday, Judge Bradford Ward asked Minnefield, “Did you really think the police were going to go after the people?” He added that his question was rhetorical. Well, considering they were suppossed to be dealing, they might want ot consider it. Prosecutors later dropped the charges. Laura Weslund, Minnefield’s public defender, said no drugs were ever found. Of course not, he never got them. This story is just full of brilliant deductions.

THE TREE WITH A FACE

Sometimes nature can play strange tricks. This one is pretty cool. The face-tree was brought into the Daily Times newspaper in Maryville, Tennessee on Monday, by Ernest Ward, a groundskeeper at the local Magnolia Cemetery. Ward said it was found on Monday as he and co-workers cleaned up debris from a weekend storm. According to him, a former worker at the cemetery believes the face is a spirit. If it is a spirit, you just cut it in half, how do you think it feels about that?

LOST TOLKIEN POSTCARD FOUND

Have you ever been tearing out a wall or getting a room a found something kind of cool stuck in the wall or behind something. That’s what happened to a demolision man from England as he was stripping out a house where Lord Of The Rings author J.R.R. Tolkien used to live. Stephen Malton, who runs Prodem Demolition in Bournemouth on the south English coast, was working in the house in the nearby town of Poole before it was bulldozed to make way for a new construction project. “Before we demolish a house we do an internal strip out,” Malton said. “One of the main features was a fireplace, and upon removing that we came across three postcards. The third one was a postcard dated 1968 and addressed to J.R.R. Tolkien.” That would be so cool. Malton said research on the Internet suggested that the carved wooden fireplace with marble inlay, a feature of the house when Tolkien lived there from 1968 to 1972, was already worth up to $250,000. “To tie in both the fireplace and the postcard, we are talking about a price of around $500,000 for the combined pair.” That would be even cooler. That’s one heck of a payday. The postcard was addressed to Tolkien at the Miramar Hotel in Bournemouth, where he and his wife Edith often stayed. It is from “Lin,” which Malton believed could be fellow fantasy author Lin Carter who wrote “Tolkien: A Look Behind ‘The Lord of the Rings,'” published in 1969. He also helped finish writing the Robert E. Howard, Conan series along with L. Spraque DeCamp, as well as wrote dozens of fantasy stories of his own. Depicting a scene from Ireland, it reads: “I have been thinking of you a lot and hope everything has gone as well as could be expected in the most difficult circumstances.” This is an immense find for fantasy collectors. Malton was not sure what the “difficult circumstances” might be. Tolkien had achieved fame by the time he moved to Poole in 1968. He remained in Poole until his wife’s death, when he moved back to Oxford. Tolkien died in 1973, aged 81.

 GORBACHOV MEETS ZOMBIES

Now for a bit of culture? from the other side of the world. Below is a link to a music video by a Russian metal band called ANJ. It portrays a battle axe wielding Mikhail Gorbachov fighting a legion of Zombies, saving Mother Russia and bringing western culture to the zombie besieged country. The video is hilarious and a lot of fun. Check it out for some fun Russian humor.

GORBACHOV: THE MUSIC VIDEO – BIGGER AND RUSSIANER from Tom Stern on Vimeo.

TEACHER STRIPS FOR CLASS, ARMPIT SNIFFER CAPTURE, AIRLINE BOMB HOAX, THE GAS MEN, AND 1780 SHIPWRECK DISCOVERY

TEACHER STRIPS FOR HIS SCHOOL CLASS

This is a story not for the faint of heart. A teacher in Suffolk, England decided on a rather unorthadox way of getting his class of 13 and 14 year olds to stop being unruly. He decided to threaten them with a striptease. A pupil at the school said: “Kids were playing up in class and his way of dealing with it was to tell everyone to be quiet or he would take his shirt off and show his man boobs. He was quite overweight and it was a sight that nobody really wanted to see. Everyone thought he was joking and people carried on messing around, but then he really did take his shirt off. It was quite shocking but pupils thought it was hilarious.” Another added: “It was hilarious. People were goading him saying ‘I bet you haven’t got muscles’. He told us all ‘I’ll show you’ and started taking off his shirt. We all thought he was pretending but he took his shirt off and started flexing his muscles. Then he said: ‘Look, I told you.’ He put his shirt back on but he was still buttoning it up when he was teaching. Everyone was killing themselves laughing.” Well this sad tale doesn’t stop here. Oh, no. One of the students recorded it all on his cellphone and then uploaded it to YouTube. Yes, folks there’s a video for all of this. It has since been removed from YouTube probably due to the public embarrassment it’s caused. Will Theobald, 17, who posted the clip on YouTube, said: “About a quarter of the students had the clip on their phone. Everyone called him Gimli after the character in Lord of the Rings. I don’t know what he was thinking. You can’t do stuff like that and get away with it.” Apparently not in this day and age. The teacher has remained unnamed and he has not been allowed to teach at any of the British schools since. At this point, I’d be suprised if he even pokes his head out his own door. Below are some photos of the incident. This requires a bit of a strong stomach. Most of these pictures would fall under most community’s blight laws. But, here on the internet, I live for this kind of absurdity.

MAN GETS HARD TIME FOR ARMPIT SNIFFING

Never ever do anything wrong in Singapore. These people have no sense of humor for it whatsoever. A man would lurk about waiting in landings and staircases for the opportunity to sniff the armpits of women. Where does that get fun? Police were finally able to catch the bugger and he has been sentenced to 14 years and 18 lashes with a cane. Holy harsh sentences Batman. The judge believed he was mentally deranged and would repeat his offenses.  Not after that kind of punishment.

LATE AIRLINE PASSENGER CALLS IN BOMB HOAX

Never try this. It doesn’t work. A journalist from Germany was late for his plane taking off. He was covering the European football championship and called from his mobile phone to annonymously say there was a bomb on the flight from the Italian city of Verona to Vienna. Bad Idea, really bad idea. He then showed up late for the Air Dolomiti flight and said he had heard the flight was no longer preparing for take off. Open mouth insert foot. Since this hadn’t been  made public, he became the prime suspect. A check of his mobile phone confirmed police suspicions and he was arrested. He did succeed in delaying the plane though.  He wasn’t aboard when it took off.

 WHO ARE THE GAS MEN?

Like heroes out of nowhere they show up. No one knows who they are but they are handing out $100 bills at gas pumps. The unknown duo were dressed in sunglasses, baseball caps, khakis and matching green golf shirts when they gave Gayle Kilburn a $100 bill on Thursday as she filled up her car at a Citgo in Plainville, Connecticutt. Well, they aren’t wearing capes and tights…yet. They also handed her a card that read “Re-Fueling Our Community” and was signed “The Gas Men.” Mysterious and strange, and I wish they’d find me. Five or six other people have also beem paid a visit by The Gas Men. You gotta love superheroes, especially when they have cash.

REVOLUTIONARY WAR SHIPWRECK FOUND – INTACT!

For those of you that don’t live on the Great Lakes, here is a quick piece of perspective. When there is a storm on the lakes, they can produce hurricane force winds, no joke. I live on Lake Superior, I know. That’s what makes this discovery so amazing. A pair of shipwreck hunters have found a lost British schooner, HMS Ontario, from the 1780’s completely intact. The masts of this British warship are still standing tall, some of the windows are still in it, cannons are still in place. The ship was lost in a gale on Lake Ontario and two explorers, Jim Kennard and Dan Scoville, who have been hunting for it for years have finally seen the fruits of their labors. More importantly this has got to be the best preserved wreck in the Great Lakes and it solves one of the biggest mysteries of the lakes. It is an amazing find by any standards. To learn more about this, go here: http://www.shipwreckworld.com/story/shipwreck-explorers-discover-1780-british-warship-in-lake-ontario.aspx There are some amazing pictures along with the history and the complete story of the discovery. It is well worth the read.

RUSH LIMBAUGH, DRAG QUEEN CHEERLEADERS, DOG POOP LAWSUIT, AND SINKHOLES

DID RUSH LIMBAUGH INFLUENCE THE PRIMARY BETWEEN CLINTON AND OBAMA?

I would like to think people are smarter than that. Rush and his “Operation Chaos” is proving just how flawed the idea of letting non-democrats vote in the democratic primary is. The fact that he is openly trying to manipulate the primary with the zeros that listen to him demonstrates this. It also shows that maybe he isn’t completely off drugs and really should consider re-entering rehab. Next time, try valium. 

 

JETS WOULD CONSIDER DRAG QUEENS FOR CHEERLEADERS

 Denise Garvey, Choreographer for the Flight Crew, the New York Jets cheerleading squad, hinted in an interview that they would be willing to consider any kind of cheerleader trying out including Drag Queens. OK, I’m a football fan, I don’t root for the Jets, but I want my cheerleaders to be women. Actually I want them to be babes. When I buy the calendar, I want to know that January through December is someone I can fantasize about. Trust me looking at the cheerleaders has never been about talent or brains for that matter. Can you imagine if Broadway Joe had dated a cheerleader and found out it was a drag queen, wait a minute, he posed in panty hose didn’t he? 

 TOWN SUED AFTER CHILD STEPS IN DOG CRAP

A Connecticutt woman, Kelly Debrocky is sueing the town of Norwalk after claiming that an outing to the Maritime Aquarium was ruined when her 1-year-old stepping into the proverbial pile of dog crap. She wants reimbursement for ruined shoes and the admission to the aquarium. The city has responded by saying, “Poop happens.” I say watch where you put your 1-year-old. If I sued everytime I stepped in dog crap, well I wouldn’t be working and I would have one very happy lawyer. Next time, take some paper towel, disinfectant and get on with life. What are you going to do when the kid eats a bug?

THE SINKHOLE THAT ATE TEXAS

Just outside of Daisetta, Texas a sinkhole has appeared that has swallowed cars, trucks, telephone poles, even oil field equipment. It is at least 600 feet long an 200 feet deep and it is believed that it is a collapsed salt dome. That’s a lot of sinkhole. It reminds me of something out of a 50’s sci fi film. Discovered by teenagers in hotrods, it keeps growing until someone nukes it or blows up a dam to flood it out of existence.

COCKTAILS ANYONE?

OK, she gets a tip. This is actually one of the members of the Chinese National Acrobatic Troupe in training. This is the first time I’ve seen athletics provide a viable career after sports.