JEN MOSS TOPLESS JULY 4TH PARADE, LEMONADE STAND ROBBERY, MONK SEX ADVICE, STUPID BURGLAR, AND VOTING REPUBLICAN

 WOMAN PLANS TO GO TOPLESS IN JULY 4TH PARADE

I love patriotism. A woman in Ashland Oregon plans to join their Fourth of July parade topless. If she’s not allowed she intends to sue the city. Yes she plans to have more than her Red, White and Blue showing this year. With some early fireworks she’s creating a preholiday controversy. Jen Moss has been known as “The Naked Lady” since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, Calif. She was drawn by the town’s nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts. I bet that’s one loophole they’re going to regret. The Ashland Chamber of Commerce learned of her coverage plans from an online posting. Ya gotta love the internet. She promised to lead in-line skaters “wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell.” That presents an intriquing image. “We don’t feel that someone in the parade who is topless or nearly naked is appropriate for a family audience,” said parade chairman James Kidd. “She’s welcome on any other day of the year to do that,” he said. “But not on the Fourth of July while in the parade.” Moss told the Ashland Daily Tidings in an e-mail that if she can’t be nearly naked in the parade, she would “run around near naked protesting their unconstitutionalism and un-Americanism.” And she said, she would ask the American Civil Liberties Union for help in a lawsuit. Good luck with all that. Apparently this woman didn’t get enough attention at home and is now seeking it elsewhere. Well, cover the kids eyes and hope for the best. And, maybe you need to rethink that ordinance.

DON’T MESS WITH THE LEMONADE STAND

There’s nothing like the smell of lemonade in the morning. A group of kids inTerra Haute, Indiana were running a lemonade stand when Steve Tryon showed up. “The guy came up and was, like, ‘Give me your money,'” said Dominique Morefield, who was running the lemonade stand with a group of friends. “I was shocked. It was just my immediate reaction to chase after him.” And Chase after him she did. This is one little girl you do not want to mess with. She actually followed him into a house and then called the cops. Officers eventually persuaded Tryon, 18, to come outside after 45 minutes and arrested him on a preliminary felony charge of robbery of $17.50. “I didn’t think anyone would come up to a lemonade stand and steal, that’s really low,” 12-year-old Fred Erstine said. Well Fred, the world is full of all kinds of morons. The kids say they will continue to sell lemonade, but now they are using a parent for a security guard. Don’t mes with the lemonade kids, they’ll bust your butt.

CELIBATE MONK SETS UP SEX ADVICE SITE

I’m not sure how well this will work, but a celibate monk has set up a website giving sex advice to Catholic couples. Go figure. Father Ksawery Knotz’s lover’s guide on http://www.szansaspotkania.net gives graphic lovemaking tips and has been dubbed the “Catholic Kama Sutra.” It compares having an orgasm to going to heaven and recommends that men “take care that women experience pleasure” during sex, adding that this requires “extra efforts on the part of the husband.” Really, well there’s a brilliant bit of advice. It just seems a little dumb to me to be taking sex advice from someone who suppossedly has never had it. It just goes to show that anyone can be an expert on anything on the internet these days. 

ESCAPED CROOK ASKS POLICE TO REMOVE HANDCUFFS

Here’s a bright move. A man and his three friends break into a supermarket and are caught by the security guard. One of them is caught and handcuffed to a rail while the guard goes after the other three. The man then escapes. Everything would have been fine if would have left it there, but no, what does he do? He goes to the local precinct house and asks the police to remove the cuffs. “It was stupid of him,” said a police spokesman in Frankfurt, Germany on Monday. “They took the cuffs off, but they kept him.” The security guard had called the local police so they were aware of the escaped burglar. The cuffed man tried to convince police that a friend had put the cuffs on as a joke and now they couldn’t get them off. The police removed the handcuffs and then reunited him with his friends. Somtimes, you just have to wonder what goes through peoples’ heads. Near as I can tell, absolutely nothing.

VOTING REPUBLICAN 

ROBERT DOWNEY JR BURGER SAVIOR, ANTARCTIC CONDOMS, SHINY NEW OUTHOUSE, PIGEON REHAB, MICHIGAN METEOR, AND MOONDUST TELESCOPE

ROBERT DOWNEY JR SAVED BY BAD BURGER KING

This is one of those stories you can’t make up. Robert Downey Jr. claims to have been convinced to get straight by a bad burger experience at Burger King. In an interview with Britain’s Empire magazine, the 43-year-old actor recounts an incident in 2003 when he was driving around with “tons of f—ing dope” when he decided it was time for a burger. “I have to thank Burger King,” he told Empire. “It was such a disgusting burger I ordered. I had that, and this big soda, and I thought something really bad was going to happen.” After the bad burger experience, he said he tossed all of his drugs into the ocean and decided to sober up for good. I have to admit, I’ve had some pretty bad burgers at Burger King but I have yet to experience the epiphany burger. I wonder what they put on one of those. Apparently he got a combo with his. Burger King’s new Epiphany burger helping people with their lives and indigestion. Don’t forget the Tums.

ANTARCTIC RECEIVES 16,500 CONDOMS

It seems we’ve been missing out. It appears that when the sun goes down in the antarctic, the fun begins.  Bill Henriksen, the manager of the McMurdo base station, said nearly 16,500 condoms were delivered last month and would be made available, free of charge, to staff throughout the year to avoid the potential embarrassment of having to buy them. Party on! Hats off folks. The base only has a skeleton staff through the winter but what a staff. “Since everybody knows everyone, it becomes a little bit uncomfortable,” Henriksen said. Frigid here doesn’t seem to be a problem. Sunrise starts again in late august and then supply flight resume and tourism picks up. Let’s see, 3 months, endless nightlife,16,500 condoms, that says orgy to me. I wonder what kind of cocktails they have down there. It may be cold and snowy down there, but they’ve obviously found something to occupy themselves. Put me down for a visit. Artic Researchers Gone Wild, it could be the next big thing. Where’s my video camera?

 MAN FIGHTS TO KEEP OUTHOUSE – WINS

In Batavia, Ohio, Elbert Preston, everybody calls him Lew, refused to give up having an outhouse. It seems that his old one was violating a few health codes and the powers that be wanted it gone. Well, Lew wasn’t going to stand, or sit for that.  A former trustee for Washington Township, he challenged the board of health for months before seeking help from People Working Cooperatively, a nonprofit that has done thousands of projects for low-income, elderly and disabled residents in southern Ohio and northern Kentucky. They built him a new outhouse, one that was up to codes. “It’s too nice and complicated to be an outhouse,” Lew said. “I call it a privy.” Preston, who is slowed by diabetes and has colon problems and pacemaker, said he never saw the need to replace the old outhouse, which once was picked up and carried into his garden by a tornado without major damage. He said he has used an outside toilet since settling in Washington Township 40 years ago and likes the privacy of a privy. “When you’re in a house, sounds carry, Everybody knows your business.” I’m guessing we won’t be seeing any high tech from this guy.

PIGEON ENTERS REHAB 

 Al Coury of Wanamaker, Indiana races pigeons. He sent several of them to Montgomery, Alabama to be released for a race which uses the birds instincts to race back home. First pigeons to their home loft wins the race. Well, one of his birds decided enough of this bird crap and decided he’d had enough. He found a nice hospital courtyard and checked himself in for some RandR. The pigeon went about making friends with the patients of the Meadows Hospital and even sat in on some group sessions held in the courtyard. The avian athelete, now dubbed Miss Pigeon had a band on its leg with Coury’s phone number on it and he was contacted. He told them to feed the bird unpopped popcorn and then went to reclaim the wayaward creature. There is no word on what the bill for the bird’s recovery will be. Do professional homing pigeons get health care?

METEORITE SHAPED LIKED MIGHIGAN GETS $20,000

A 75 pound meteorite shaped like Michigan’s lower peninsula fetched $20,000 at an auction in Dallas, Texas. The owner Darryl Pitt was disapointed. He felt it Should have gone for $50,000. Well times are hard Darryl and of course it’s no corn flake. A recent fiasco over an Illinois shaped cornflake fetching bids that neared $250,000 at one point was on Ebay. Maybe that was the problem, it wasn’t on Ebay. Darryl felt his meteor should rival one that sold not long ago that was shaped like the Indian subcontinent. That one went for $90,000, but it also weighed three-quarters of a ton. I guess in this case, size really does matter. Look at it this way, you sold a piece of space junk for 20 grand. You’re lucky you got that much.

TELESCOPE MADE FROM MOONDUST

Peter Chen, a NASA scientist feels he has found a practical way to build a telescope on the moon. Why we need one I haven’t quite figured out yet, but he thinks he can do it anyway. He wants to make it from moon dust. He has been experimenting with moon dust-like particles and has been able to creat a small example to show everyone he can do this. Of course we’re not talking real moondust and this may prove better in theory than practice. “We believe we have found a way to turn moon dust into a telescope,” said Peter Chen, with NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland. The process require combining nanotubes, small carbon fibers, and crushed rock that simulates moondust. Actually it sounds like he was making mudpies to me. “First we had something very gooey and smelly,” Chen told reporters at the American Astronomical Society meeting last week. “Then we had this very hard, very stable material like concrete.” Yep, mud pies. OK, adobe. The latin Americans discovered that a long time ago.  Chen feels his process can create a structure and the entire telescope system. Isn’t this really redundant? With Hubble working so well, why do we need one on the moon. But then again, we just spent billions to find salt on Mars, I guess we might as well spend a few billion more to make some mudpies on the moon. The real problem is there’s way too much grant money floating around for projects like this.

HILLARY AND KENNEDY, EBAY CHILD AUCTION, INDIANA JONES BAN, AND VINCE YOUNG APOLOGY

 HILLARY CLINTON’S FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

 It’s amazing how quickly a slip of the tongue will come back and haunt you. John Lennon knew about that when he made his comment that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Well, Hillary Clinton is the newest victim of the dreaded foot in mouth disease. The media has been running wild with her comment about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. She may have effectively hung herself politically. That would be too bad. She’s a fighter. Her go down swinging attitude I find refreshing. For those of you that have been living in a cave and have no idea of what I’m talking about, here’s the instant replay. Responding to a question from the Sioux Falls Argus Leader editorial board about calls for her to drop out of the race, she said: “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don’t understand it,” she said, dismissing the idea of abandoning the race. Clinton said she didn’t understand why, given this history, some Democrats were calling for her to quit. Of course, upon realizing she’d said something stupid, she immediately apologized, citing the Kennedy’s were on her mind because of Massachusett’s Senator Edward Kennedy having been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Right now, Clinton supporters are fleeing like rats deserting the proverbial sinking ship. I find it ironic that she holds Robert F. Kennedy’s former seat in New York. It will also be ironic that in a family that has always held the Kennedy’s in such high esteem that it should be Hillary’s downfall. Bill had always claimed that JFK was his hero and during his campaign that picture of him meeting JFK when he was a boy was everywhere. I think maybe she should simply claim a momentary lapse of reason. We all have them. Like Flip Wilson used to say: “The Devil made me do it, The Devil made me do it.” “Doctor, you’re wanted in surgery, Mrs. Clinton needs her foot removed from her mouth.” Foot in mouth, debilitating politicians since the beginning of time.

PARENTS TRY TO SELL CHILD ON EBAY

Well, Ebay has become the place for strange auctions. A couple from Berlin, Germany has put their 7 month old boy up for auction for one Euro, about $1.57. Peter Hieber, a spokesman for police in the Bavarian town of Krumbach, said the baby was placed in the care of youth services, although the child’s mother insisted the ad was only a joke. It’s not much of a joke if you ask me. Authorities have launched an investigation into possible child trafficking against the baby’s mother and father, neither of whom was identified. “Offering my nearly new baby for sale, as it has gotten too loud. It is a male baby, nearly 28 inches long and can be used either in a baby carrier or a stroller,” police quoted the Ebay listing. I wonder how much shipping was. No offers were made for the child in the two hours and 30 minutes the ad was posted on Tuesday. I’m surprised, that was a pretty cheap price for a rugrat. Ebay later deleted the posting, but assisted police in tracking down the parents. I wonder what Ebay policy this one violated.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISTS CALL FOR BAN ON NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE

Not everyone is a fan of the new Indiana Jones movie. Members of the Russian Communist party are calling for a ban on the film because of Cate Blanchett’s portrayal of a 1950’s KGB agent. Russian Communist Party members condemned the new “Indiana Jones” film on Friday as crude, anti-Soviet propaganda that distorts history. Ya think? I’ve never looked to an Indiana Jones movie for a history lesson.  “What galls is how together with America we defeated Hitler, and how we sympathized when Bin Laden hit them. But they go ahead and scare kids with Communists. These people have no shame,” said Viktor Perov, a Communist Party member in Russia‘s second city of St. Petersburg. Can you say, over-reacting? The film, was released in Russian cinemas on Thursday. Russian media said it was being shown on 808 screens, the widest ever release for a Hollywood movie. Well, a controversy never hurts to get folks into the theater. This could score a lot of rubles for Indy. I wonder what Harrison Ford sounds like in Russian. Do their lips sync or are they like those old martial arts movies from the 60’s.  

 

VINCE YOUNG APOLOGIZES – KIND OF

Because of pressure about the party pictures of him all over the internet, including this site, Vince Young has apologized, sort of. Vince apologizes thusly:”I apologize to some of the kids if they did see it because I am trying to be a role model for them. But at the same time, I was just trying to have fun with (friends). That is the life of a quarterback, somebody of my status. I guess somebody was trying to make some money and sold the picture to the web site. But at the same time that is the life I chose to live. But it is not going to stop me from having fun. I just have to watch myself. They always want to try and get some negative pub on me. It wasn’t really nothing bad. … Everybody deserves to have a good time every once in a while during the offseason.” Let’s see, every once in a while. Let’s check the QB’s schedule, shall we?
Vince Young’s White Tee Party @ the ROC Wednesdays – 5.14.08
Vince Young’s Invite Only Pool Party at the Westside Tennis Club – 5.15.08
Vince Young’s Birthday Weekend KickOff Party & Premiere of the iBar – 5.16.08
Vince, Shawn Marion & Jevon Kearse host Baby Blue Carpet Affair @ Club Level – 5.17.08
Vince Young Bday BBQ Cookout & Daytime party at the Red Door – 5.18.08
Lil Wayne, Lloyd, Mannie Fresh, Lil Keke at Vince Young Bday Bash at BAR RIO – 5.18.08
Looks to me like every once in a while is every day. Liver transplant for Vince Young. Liver Transplant for Vince Young. If you follow the links above you can get a look at each one of the parties. They were careful not to show Vince actually drinking this time, but one actually shows the cops arriving at the Baby Blue Carpet Affair though you have to go through 10 pages of pics to get to it. Getting in shape for the pre-season, eh Vince.

 

HILLARY-DISTILLERY, WIZARDRY REFUTED, PIGGYBACK PLANE, INDIANA JONES, AND ROBOT SYMPHONY

HILLARY AND THE DISTILLERY

Hillary Clinton seems to be finding ways to kick back and relax while on the campaign trail. She’s found ways to put down beer, do shots of Crown Royal and now she’s stopped off to see how Maker’s Mark is made. I’ll give her credit she has taste. She also seems to be having a bit of fun and finding moments to relax while taking her message around the country. Actually if I had to put with some of the crap people were writing about me I’d find a way to down the occassional cocktail too. Clinton stopped by to see how the Maker’s Mark process worked and delivered a message to some folks that were parked on the grass to see her. “All those people on TV who are telling you and everybody else that this race is over and I should just be graceful and say, ‘Oh it’s over’ even though I’ve won more votes – those are all people who have a job,” Clinton told supporters picnicking in the gardens of the distillery. “Those are all people who have health care. Those are all people who can afford to send their kids to college. Those are all people who can pay whatever is charged at the gas pump. They’re not the people I’m running to be a champion for.” She reminds me of Tim Allen in Galaxyquest: Never give up, Never surrender. Hopefully she’ll be appearing at a local pub near me so I can go knock a couple back with Hillary. Maybe her husband will tag along and we can go out back and not inhale. 

FLORIDA SCHOOL REFUTES FIRING TEACHER FOR WIZARDRY

On May 5th, it was reported that Jim Piculas had been fired for making a toothpick disappear and reappear. According to him he received a phone call saying “We’ve got a problem, Wizardry,” and was told he couldn’t have any more substitute teacher assignments. He was fired. Now the Land o lakes school board is trying to deperately refute Piculas’ claim. It’s no wonder. The have received as many as 50 phone calls and emails a day from across the country, angry at this rather narrow perspective on performing a trick in front of kids. Now that they nationally look like idiots, they’ve changed their tune. According to the school and Marge Whaley, a member of the school board, the decision was based on complaints that they had about Piculas using profane language, couldn’t control the class and putting a student in charge. None of the complaining parents have come forward.

 PLANE LANDS ON TOP OF ANOTHER

Land, land, where to land. A couple of pilots got their messages mixed up in Roanoake, VA yesterday when they were figuring out who had the runway. Air traffic control must have been sleeping through this one. Apparently they both thought that the runway was his and just as the inbound aircraft was about to touch down the outbound plane pulled under it. The move was perfectly timed. The first aircraft landed right on top of the other, lodging its propeller into the lower fuselage and coming to a halt directly on the other’s roof. Fortunately nobody was injured. These were pilots with guardian angels on their shoulders. The video below shows the planes after landing. Check it out.

INDIANA JONES PREMIERES TO MIXED REVIEWS

The new Indiana Jones film premiered in Cannes. This is one of the big movies I’ve personally been waiting for. The audience coming out weren’t as enthusiastic as they were going in.  I think maybe, myself included, may be expecting too much out of the new Indy movie. Harrison Ford is older now than Sean Connery was when he played his father. Also it is going around that the Shia Lebouf character is actually the love child of Indy and Marion Ravenwood which is played by Karen Allen. I wonder if they named him Illinois. George Lucas is already hinting at a possible fifth Indy movie. Good grief, Harrison Ford will be in a Rascal Scooter by then. What’s it going to be called, Indiana Jones and the … He’s too old to remember? Maybe he should just come up with a new movie concept. He’s done nothing but sequels for decades. Wait a minute, wasn’t the last original movie he did Howard the Duck? Never mind.

ROBOT CONDUCTS DETROIT SYMPHONY

If they’re worried in Detroit about robots taking their jobs, they have reason to be. A robot named ASIMO, Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility, sucessfully conducted the Detroit Symphony Orchestra in a performance of the Impossible Dream. This proves once and for all that anyone or anything can conduct a well trained orchestra. It also shows that someone had way too much time on their hands. I’m betting a government grant had something to do with this. Build a robot that runs into a burning building, then I’ll be impressed.

SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY, GAS PROTESTER, SERIAL PINCHER AND WORLD’S OLDEST PHOTO

SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY SUSPENDS ANIMAL HOUSES

Was there any studying going on here? In a move to sort out the aftermath of nearly 100 students getting busted for drugs, San Diego State University has suspended fraternities on their campus pending investigation and review. Certainly going to college is suppossed to prepare you for a future career, but this is not what academia had in mind. The animal houses have apparently degenerated into the crack houses. This takes toga parties to a whole new level.

 MAN ARRESTED FOR SINGING AGAINST GAS PRICES

Jay Weinberg climbed atop a convenience store in Valparaiso, Indiana and gave a quick concert. His song, called “Price Gougin’,” was to protest the high gas prices. He had about 20 people standing around listening and a few at the pumps singing along when the police arrived to arrest him for trespassing and disorderly conduct. OK, first, how do you trespass at a public business? Second, I thought protest singers were a tradition in this country. You know, Bob Dylan, Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie. I think he should book a tour of gas stations everywhere. Go on the road. But then I suppose the gas would cost too much. If he turned it into a video though it could be a Youtube/Myspace hit.

SERIAL BUTT PINCHER ON THE LOOSE

Here’s one for the books. According to reports, there is a serial butt pincher on the loose in Manchester, England. Local police are trying to put the pinch on him. He is described as a Greek/Turkish looking man and has pinched 19 women so far all ranging from 13-43 years of age. He apparently appreciates variety in his pinching. The victims say it puts them in a very uncomfortable position and want the pincher caught. Is this actually illegal?

NCAA CRACKS DOWN ON STUPIDITY

The NCAA has decided to penalize 53 Division 1 sports programs for poor academic performance in their players. Wow, they actually expect these guys to learn something? A total of 218 teams at 123 schools have been cited. This covers Football and Basketball, including Orange Bowl Champion Kansas. It seems they were recruiting for athletics, not brains. Go figure.

WORLD’S OLDEST PHOTOGRAPH

This may be the world’s oldest photograph. It is set to be sold at Sotheby’s and it is unknown how much money this might bring in. It is from around 1800. They are about to run a test on it to try and get a more precise date for its origin. It was made by laying a leaf on a light sensitive silver nitrate plate and then exposing it. It’s sort of like how people now sit their butts on a Xerox machine at office parties.

OBAMA-CLINTON, FAVRE JERSEY, DRUGS, AND WIZARDRY

THE BATTLE RAGES ON!

Well, the Clinton-Obama battle continues. It appears that this one will go down to the convention. At the point of this writing neither seems as if they are throwing in the towel. Obama took North Carolina and Clinton got Indiana. Personally I think this is about time. It might be nice to have a convention for a change that isn’t a foregone conclusion. Let’s have a little excitement, mystery. I’m tired of the same old same old year after year. This might be one convention I’ll watch instead of looking for a tired old rerun on cable. May the best person win. Go to your corners and come out swinging.

KID WEARS FAVRE JERSEY 4 YEARS STRAIGHT!

You have to admire fan dedication like this. David Witthoft 12 years old has worn his Brett Favre #4 jersey for 1,561 days straight. Now I wouldn’t think this would be all that unusual in Wisconsin, but David is from Connecticut. Apparently Favre’s retirement came just in the nick of time because Witthoff was eight when he first put the jersey on and was rapidly outgrowing it. So as Brett Favre’s streak comes to an end, so does David Witthoft at 1,561 days. Maybe you should get Favre to sign it and frame it. Dude, you need a bath.

 

100 STUDENTS IN DRUG BUST

Police arrest nearly 100 people, most of them students, in a massive drug bust at San Diego State University. Authorities seize a wide array of drugs and at least $60,000 in cash. Were these students doing any studying? Talk about party college. Well, this ought to do wonders for their recruiting program.

 

 SCHOOL TEACHER FIRED FOR WIZARDRY

A substitute teacher, Jim Piculas, in Florida was performing a magic trick for students. He made a toothpick disappear and reappear. OHHH, this is awful. I’m sure he corrupted these kids. He was called into the Head Supervisor of Substitute Teachers and told they had a big problem, “Wizardry.” He was then let go. Maybe Hogwart’s is looking for help. That’s what happens when you do it in front of muggles.