QUEEN VICTORIA’S UNDERWEAR, WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS, and A ROBBER WANTS A DATE

RETURN OF THE QUEEN’S PANTIES

Let me get this straight, they paid how much for a pair of Queen Victoria’s panties? Ok, I can see where an argument can be made that these are historical artifacts. But, come on, we’re talking about the Queen’s bloomers here, and they’re over 100 yeards old. Have they ever been washed? The underwear, which has a 56-inch (142-centimeter) waist, has been added to Britain’s Royal Ceremonial Dress Collection at Kensington Palace. With that size you could darn near pitch a tent with them. It has a matching chemise, is embroidered with a “VR” and is believed to date from the 1890s. Queen Victoria had a 20-inch (51-centimeter) waist as a young woman. But curator Alexandra Kim said Tuesday “over the years, particularly having given birth to nine children, that changed entirely.” Not only did she gain major poundage, she got cracked pretty hard with the ugly stick. The collection purchased the bloomers for 600 pounds ($993) earlier this summer. Kim said it’s likely the item had been handed down to a servant after the monarch’s death. Again, I have to ask, why would you want to save the Queen’s underwear? If the servant was looking for momentos, I have to think this one is a little weird. Wow, a thousand dollars for Queen Victoria’s panties. Amazing.

 

I HAD MY WEDDING AT MY SON’S FUNERAL

Some people think that in some cases a wedding can be kind of a funeral, but our next case is ridiculous. The parents of a 7-year-old boy who died after an upstate New York car crash have fulfilled his wish that they get married, and they did it at the child’s funeral. I’m guessing that wasn’t exactly what he meant when he wanted them to get married. I’m thinking Vegas.  Amilcar Hill and Rahwa Ghirmatizion (ger-MAT’-ee-zahn) got married during Monday’s funeral service in Buffalo for their son, Asa Hill. Asa died a day after his grandfather’s car was involved a chain-reaction highway crash last week. Hundreds of people packed the church for Asa’s funeral. The couple surprised attendees by getting married, which the parents say their son had been asking them to do. I bet they were surprised alright. Certainly makes for a full day for the preacher. The honeymoon had to be weird.

ROBBER NEEDS A DATE

What do you do when you rob someone’s house? Why, return later and ask the cute chick you just ripped-off out for a date. Seriously. Police say 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett of Columbus, Ohio was among three men who robbed a couple late Sunday. There’s a key word here, “couple.” Where on any level did he think this was going to work. Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird says the woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out. She had a relative call 911. Police say Bennett was arrested in front of the home. It’s those first impressions, they’ll get you every time.

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MARTIAN DISCOVERY, MRS EIFFEL TOWER, PORTA-JOHN MISHAP, DERRIE-AIR, AND DWI COOLER

STRANGE WHITE CRAP FOUND ON MARS

Is this what we paid billions of dollars to find? A bunch of white crap on the surface of Mars. For god’s sake let’s get on with it. Either send somebody there or give it up. Scientists say this could be salt. Yippee, we found seasonings. The Lawrys corporation should be thrilled. “Salt would be very interesting because that’s what is left behind as water evaporates. That would be a very nice discovery, particularly if we knew exactly which salts they were,” principal investigator Peter Smith said. Why, so you can decide between pork or beef? The scientists are eager to find evidence of water on the surface of Mars because they are trying to determine if the Red Planet has ever supported life. Does that really matter? It doesn’t any more. It’s not going to be a sunny vacation spot. I’m not going to be impressed until some Martian creature walks up and kicks the lander. Then I’ll be impressed. After that, I want to know if there’s enough of them to have a hunting season. The lander has already returned the highest-resolution pictures ever taken of dust and sand on the surface of another planet. What an accomplishment. Dirt. We knew that already. Colored dirt. We knew that too. There you go, billions to probe the deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets of Mars with a little salt thrown on it. Stay tuned for more startling revelations from paradise. 

WOMAN MARRIES THE EIFFEL TOWER 

San Francisco, California resident, Erika La Tour Eiffel, yes, that is her real name, married the Eiffel Tower. Her strange relationship with the architectural icon is the subject of a documentary, The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower; the documentary also stars the wife of the Berlin Wall whom we featured here a while back. There’s nothing like giving these folks a little TV time to validate their weirdness. I guess every landmark needs someone to love. There’s nothing like a cold steel rail.

DRUNK, NAKED AND STUCK IN A PORT-A-JOHN

People endlessly amaze me but how they get into some situations is completely baffling. Take this story for instance. Police in Lebanon, Pennsyvania get a 911 call from a cell phone that has originated inside a porta-potty. A man has gotten himself stuck inside. Lock jammed? No. For some unfathomable reason he has gotten naked, is drunk and has immerssed himself in the holding tank. Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller said “I’ve been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first porta-potty rescue I’ve ever had.” Police charged the man with public drunkeness and creating a health code violation, but they have no idea why he was in the toilet with his clothes off. I hope they hosed him off before they threw him in the cell.

FLY DERRIE-AIR

 Derrie-Air the new airline that charges you by the pound. The more you weigh the more you pay. Yes, under the guise of being environmentally friendly, this advetisment for a new airline has been circulating around the east coast. Well, It’s a joke folks. The airline doesn’t exist and you reservations have been cancelled.  It was an ad campaign to see how people respond to certain types of advertising. So it looks like you won’t be flying by the seat of your pants on this one.

BUSTED DRIVING MOTORIZED COOLER DRUNK

Did you know that you could get arrested for driving your cooler after consuming too much of what’s inside? Well it is true believe it or not. Yes you can get arrested for driving your motorized cooler drunk. Leslie J. “Bomber” Marr learned this the hard way when he was arrested on Memorial Day in Whitehall, NY and charged with DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle. Police saw him swerving around the streets and driving on the sidewalk on a cooler. Cruizin Coolers are becoming the newest rage in summer time transportation. Yes, you can drive you beverages to your favorite beach.  It even has a hatch so you can pull out a icy cold drink while driving. That’s where the trouble begins. The hatch also has a cup/can holder on top, suggesting that this sort of activity is exactly what the designers had in mind. Not much of a leap in deduction there. Under state law, the cooler is still considered a motor vehicle so sobriety is a must, and a license is highly recommended. Do they have driving tests for a cooler? Do they have a special cooler driver’s license? Buzz around buzzed carrying your buzz. There’s a certain beauty in that.

FOX NEWS PERSON WISHES OBAMA DEAD, SHOPLIFTER’S SHOES, MORGUE SUICIDE, MARRIED TO BERLIN WALL, AND MICHAEL JACKSON UFC

FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT WISHES OBAMA DEAD!

I’m so angry right now it’s hard to even write this. What is wrong with people. During a guest analysis spot on Fox News, Washington Times correspondent Liz Trotta said she wished Barack Obama dead. If you haven’t seen this, a video clip is below. This happened during an analysis of Hillary Clinton’s  RFK faux paus the other day. I’m not an Obama supporter and this makes me angry. How can anyone WANT to see violence done on anyone, let alone a candidate. If you don’t like them you don’t vote for them. If the vote doesn’t go your way, that’s the way the game is played. You don’t wish them dead, or worse yet take matters into your own hands. Fox news, not fair and balanced, insane and weird. I worked as a journalist for nearly 30 years and I had an opinion about a lot of things but I always took care to keep it OUT of my reporting.  This is incredibly irresponsible and inflamatory. Liz Trotta, has of course lamely apologized on Fox calling it “an attempt at humor,” but the damage is still there. She said it and it’s out there. People listen to this network. For the life of me I don’t know why. I’m even doubly puzzled now. Fox has a responsibility and so does Trotta. You’re suppossed to report the news, not call for the death of one of the democratic candidates. She criticizes Hillary Clinton up and down, then says something like this and then tries to pass it off as humor in an apology. You’re a sick hippocrite, you should get professional help. You should be banned from the media, for life! The other thing that I find appalling is that U.S. media is NOT reporting this story. I actually found this story in British media who referred me to YouTube. The American media jumps all over Clinton for what may actually have been an honest error, but they ignore something from one of the foremost watched news networks. Fair and Balanced?

 

POLICE MAKE STORE OWNER GIVE BACK SHOES OF SHOPLIFTERS

 A liquor store owner in Durango, Colorado is tired of repeat offenders coming into his store and shoplifting. When he catches a shoplifter he makes them give him a shoe so they will be embarrassed and not come back. I think it is a very creative solution to an ongoing problem. The Durango police disagree. They have told him to knock it off or they are going to prosecute him for felony robbery. Now the shoe is on the other foot so to speak. Shoplifting is a misdemeanor which means that the store owner would be prosecuted harder than the thieves for protecting his store. That’s pretty backward. The owner, Gabe Fidanque, was ordered to return the shoes to their owners, if he can find them. Police Captain Micki Browning says the store owner should “find a different option that doesn’t involve giving up property.”  Findanque found that the thieves would return within hours of turning them over to police. “That’s the whole point of it. They’re too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won’t steal again,” Fidanque said. Let’s see the owner has found a non-violent solution to his problem that works and the police want to prosecute him for it. What is wrong with this picture?

MAN IN MORGUE FREEZER WITH DEAD GIRLFRIEND

A man in Taiwan has crawled inside a morgue freezer to try and commit suicide. Grieving over his girlfriend, he crawled into the compartment to be with her. He was found a half-hour later when workers noticed that the temperature in the freezer had gotten unusually high from an unlatched compartment. The girl had died from an overdose of sleeping pills. It appears that both of these folks were unstable. I feel bad for the morgue worker that had to deal with this.

WOMAN MARRIES BERLIN WALL

I wonder if this woman just couldn’t get a date. Eija-Ritta Berliner-Mauer, a 54-year-old woman from Liden, Sweden claims to have married the Berlin Wall back in 1979 and changed her surname to German for Berlin Wall. I wonder what priest performed this ceremony.  She says she finds objects more appealing than people and that she is convinced that she is not the only one that gets pleasure from the relationship. Yep, keep telling yourself that. How do you get concrete turned on. What if it calls you another wall’s name. “Harder harder, oh Great Wall of China you’re so good.” OK, I’m baffled with this. “I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she says. OK, hot for concrete. That’s….different. So what’s this called cementaphilia? Since her “lover” was torn down after the cold war she keeps a model of the wall in her home. I guess at least you don’t have to listen to it complain. I hope she’s good at one sided conversations.

MICHAEL JACKSON LIKES ULTIMATE FIGHTING

Ok, I put this in because this is so stupid. Michael’s always so good for that. Saturday night he went to the UFC Tito Ortiz fight trying to be not noticed. He didn’t succeed. For one thing he arrived in a wheel chair and had his face covered in a shroud. Check out the photo below. I think looking like this would only attract attention. I know I’d be wondering who’s the yo-yo dressed like a dope. Arriving in the wheelchair isn’t real incognito either. Does that mean he got the handicapped parking? It seems to me he attracts more attention when he’s trying not to attract attention. The dude has issues. Is he a dude? I thought UFC is for people that actually have testosterone.