PEARL HARBOR MONUMENT, MARIJUANA COMPOST, PLAN 9 REMAKE, AND BIG BUCK BUNNY

PEARL HARBOR NATIONAL MONUMENT

In one of the few moves I’ve ever agreed with by George Bush, he’s trying to get national Monument status for the Pearl Harbor region in Hawaii. To date no such thing exists. There is the memorial for the USS Arizona and Ford Island, where several of the Navy’s battleships were moored during the attack, is a National Historic Landmark. This would give historic staus to the whole region which would qualify it for preservation and restoration beneifts. A May 29 presidential memo to Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne said such status could offer the sites additional protection. “These objects of historical and scientific interest may tell the broader story of the war, the sacrifices made by America and its allies, and the heroism and determination that laid the groundwork for victory in the Pacific and triumph in World War II,” Bush said. Surely this region deserves the recognition and the protection.  This plan might also include some of the surrounding areas where other World War II conflicts took place like Guam, Wake and Midway. If Bush was looking for something that the American public would approve of this will likely not elicite many arguments. Yes, George, for once you may actually have a good idea. Remembering a war is better than having one. I think I may mark this one on the calendar- Bush has a good idea. I never thought we’d be going there.

 

USING MARIJUANA AS COMPOST?

Police have arrested a 30-year old man in Iowa for possessing Marijuana with the intent to distribute. He says no. He was going to recycle it. I know I recycle mine. Every chance I get. Yes, according to him, it was for the compost pile. Apparently he’d been smoking some before he handed them that excuse. You gotta hand it to him, it’s original. Police say that the several bags he had all held at least a gallon of pot each. That’s a lot of compost. I wonder if he was going to mix it with manure, like his story is.  The police wasn’t buying it as he now has to post $14,000 for bail. I guess the compost will be a little thin this year.

THE ULTIMATE MOVIE REMAKE – PLAN 9

I admit it, I’m a fan of really bad movies. There are few worse and more hilarious than Ed Wood’s classic Plan 9 from Outer Space featuring Tor Johnson and Vampira.  The beauty of this film is its complete ineptitude as a film. Now a company wants to remake the film. Just what we need is a bad remake of a bad film.  Let’s see bad story, bad acting and bad effects. Hmm, can’t be worse than Spielberg’s War of the Worlds. But I think they ought to leave it alone. If they turn it into a good movie, then the beauty is lost, same thing if they try to do a comedy, Plan 9 is unintentionally funny. If I want to watch silly Sci-Fi, I’ll catch Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks.   Anyway, a tiny little horror production company in Charlottesville, Virginia has announced plans to remake it as titled Plan 9, in participation with Conrad Brooks, the only surviving cast/crew member, aiming for a release date of 9/9/09. Guys if you want to do cheap bad horror/sci-fi try something that hasn’t been done. Personally I’m looking forward to Zombie Strippers. Leave great bad classics alone and let Ed Wood rest in his angora film maker deluded peace. Next thing some idiot will want to do a hip-hop version of Rocky Horror. Oops, better keep my mouth shut, somebody will run with that one.

BIG BUCK BUNNY

This thing is too funny. You have to watch it to the very end and bear with the credits. It’s worth it.

HILLARY-DISTILLERY, WIZARDRY REFUTED, PIGGYBACK PLANE, INDIANA JONES, AND ROBOT SYMPHONY

HILLARY AND THE DISTILLERY

Hillary Clinton seems to be finding ways to kick back and relax while on the campaign trail. She’s found ways to put down beer, do shots of Crown Royal and now she’s stopped off to see how Maker’s Mark is made. I’ll give her credit she has taste. She also seems to be having a bit of fun and finding moments to relax while taking her message around the country. Actually if I had to put with some of the crap people were writing about me I’d find a way to down the occassional cocktail too. Clinton stopped by to see how the Maker’s Mark process worked and delivered a message to some folks that were parked on the grass to see her. “All those people on TV who are telling you and everybody else that this race is over and I should just be graceful and say, ‘Oh it’s over’ even though I’ve won more votes – those are all people who have a job,” Clinton told supporters picnicking in the gardens of the distillery. “Those are all people who have health care. Those are all people who can afford to send their kids to college. Those are all people who can pay whatever is charged at the gas pump. They’re not the people I’m running to be a champion for.” She reminds me of Tim Allen in Galaxyquest: Never give up, Never surrender. Hopefully she’ll be appearing at a local pub near me so I can go knock a couple back with Hillary. Maybe her husband will tag along and we can go out back and not inhale. 

FLORIDA SCHOOL REFUTES FIRING TEACHER FOR WIZARDRY

On May 5th, it was reported that Jim Piculas had been fired for making a toothpick disappear and reappear. According to him he received a phone call saying “We’ve got a problem, Wizardry,” and was told he couldn’t have any more substitute teacher assignments. He was fired. Now the Land o lakes school board is trying to deperately refute Piculas’ claim. It’s no wonder. The have received as many as 50 phone calls and emails a day from across the country, angry at this rather narrow perspective on performing a trick in front of kids. Now that they nationally look like idiots, they’ve changed their tune. According to the school and Marge Whaley, a member of the school board, the decision was based on complaints that they had about Piculas using profane language, couldn’t control the class and putting a student in charge. None of the complaining parents have come forward.

 PLANE LANDS ON TOP OF ANOTHER

Land, land, where to land. A couple of pilots got their messages mixed up in Roanoake, VA yesterday when they were figuring out who had the runway. Air traffic control must have been sleeping through this one. Apparently they both thought that the runway was his and just as the inbound aircraft was about to touch down the outbound plane pulled under it. The move was perfectly timed. The first aircraft landed right on top of the other, lodging its propeller into the lower fuselage and coming to a halt directly on the other’s roof. Fortunately nobody was injured. These were pilots with guardian angels on their shoulders. The video below shows the planes after landing. Check it out.

INDIANA JONES PREMIERES TO MIXED REVIEWS

The new Indiana Jones film premiered in Cannes. This is one of the big movies I’ve personally been waiting for. The audience coming out weren’t as enthusiastic as they were going in.  I think maybe, myself included, may be expecting too much out of the new Indy movie. Harrison Ford is older now than Sean Connery was when he played his father. Also it is going around that the Shia Lebouf character is actually the love child of Indy and Marion Ravenwood which is played by Karen Allen. I wonder if they named him Illinois. George Lucas is already hinting at a possible fifth Indy movie. Good grief, Harrison Ford will be in a Rascal Scooter by then. What’s it going to be called, Indiana Jones and the … He’s too old to remember? Maybe he should just come up with a new movie concept. He’s done nothing but sequels for decades. Wait a minute, wasn’t the last original movie he did Howard the Duck? Never mind.

ROBOT CONDUCTS DETROIT SYMPHONY

If they’re worried in Detroit about robots taking their jobs, they have reason to be. A robot named ASIMO, Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility, sucessfully conducted the Detroit Symphony Orchestra in a performance of the Impossible Dream. This proves once and for all that anyone or anything can conduct a well trained orchestra. It also shows that someone had way too much time on their hands. I’m betting a government grant had something to do with this. Build a robot that runs into a burning building, then I’ll be impressed.

HILLARY WINS, VELCRO, SEAT BELT BEER, ITALIAN PHOTOGRAPHER, AND MICHAEL MOORE

HILLARY WINS WEST VIRGINIA WHILE OBAMA SHOOTS POOL

As expected HIllary Clinton won the Democratic Primary by her largest margin so far. Barack Obama conceded the contest even before it took place and spent some time trying to put the eight ball in the corner pocket. He apparently decided to stop off at a West Virginia bar and knock a few balls around with the patrons. It really gives you that workingman’s friend image doesn’t it. Hopefully he was better at that than he was bowling. Next up is Oregon where the candidates will again square off. Clinton picked up at least 15 more delegates with the win and she may get more of the 28 total. Obama is currently trying to set up a late summer/fall tour where he and McCain would appear together so that they could debate side by side, sort of a Barackapalooza.

VELCRO MILESTONE!

Today is the 50th anniversary of the most useful substance on earth next to duct tape. It’s velcro and the anniversary was celebrated by employees of the New Hampshire based company lining up on a parade route for a mile and a half for a group rip of velcro. The sound of velcro filled the air as everyone pulled at the same time. There’s a rumor that Velcro USA is working on a silent version. I have to say it just wouldn’t be the same. For me, the rip is part of the appeal. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

AUSTRALIAN DRIVER SEAT BELTS BEER, NOT CHILD

Well we know where this guy’s priorities are, proper care and transportation of the beer. In Darwin, Australia, evolution apparently left this guy behind, a man was fined for buckling in his case of beer instead of his child whom he left sitting on the floor. Save the beer, save the beer. The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car’s floor. “The child was sitting on the lump in the center, unrestrained,” Constable Wayne Burnett told reporters Tuesday. The car was also unregistered and uninsured. You gotta love those wacky Aussies. It’s always gratifying to know that Americans aren’t the only ones doing stupid things.

MAN PHOTOGRAPHS OVER 3,000 WOMEN’S BUTTS ILLEGALLY

In Venice, Italy, a man was arrested for coming up behind women and then photographing their butts. He carried a hidden camera inside a bag to take photos up women’s short skirts. A 38-year old Italian has been arrested and charged with privacy infringement. Police found DVDs in his possession that contained over 3,000 images of women’s bottoms. I wonder if the guy had an intenet site. Police said he had been filming for around two years. Ah Venice, the city of romance. Seems to me it would have been simpler to pick up a copy of Playboy.

MICHAEL MOORE TURNS UP THE FAHRENHEIT

Michael Moore is at it again. With the disasterous turnout for is last film effort “Sicko,” he is resorting to an older formula by reving up a sequel to “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Once again he returns to slamming George Bush and trying to reveal the corruption and dirty dealings of the Bush Administration post 9/11. Now that Bush is on his way out and has an approval rating that is nearly sub-zero, he figures the time is right. Also Bush is probably an easy target and no one will criticize Moore for slamming him. He can’t afford another movie disaster. I think a sequel to “Fahrenheit” will be as big a flop as “Sicko.” I mean who actually cares. He needs to do something new, fresh and original. Maybe something like how bad Hollywood sequels get made. How about days in the life of a washed up director trying to recapture former glory.

CLINTON DOWN – NOT OUT, DEATH BY PLAYSTATION, NEIL YOUNG SPIDER, STUCK DOG, AND MOM’S OVERTURE

 HILLARY CLINTON LOOKS AHEAD TO WEST VIRGINIA

Whether you support her or not, you have to give her credit for not giving up easily. Hillary spent Mother’s Day in West Virginia in a effort to take that state’s primary on Tuesday. Obama spent the weekend in Chicago counting his chickens before they’ve hatched by planning his post convention campaign. Clinton is currently the picture of tenacity as she continues in a campaign that many have declared officially dead. She has stated that she is in it until June and it appears that she means it. One thing’s for sure, Hillary is going down swinging if she goes down at all. She may surprise everyone by having a political near death experience. Everybody out of the way. Charge up the pads. Clear. We’ve got a heartbeat.

 

MAN KILLS NEIGHBOR OVER PLAYSTATION

Edward Stoddard Jr. from Land O Lakes, Florida, suspected his neighbor, Douglas Abrams of borrowing his Playstation 3. The two apparently argued over it and Stoddard shot Abrams, killing him. I would say this guy needed to get a life but now that’s not an option. He’s currently housed in the Dade County lockup awaiting trial. Well I bet he won’t get his PS3 in prison. He’s going to learn about a brand new game, It’s called “Bend over I’ll drive.” The graphics are very realistic.

NEIL YOUNG SPIDER

Neil Young has had a spider named after him. An East Carolina University biologist named Bond, Jason Bond, has discovered a new species of Trap Door Spider and has named it after his favorite musician, Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. Why a trap door spider reminds him of Neil Young has eluded me but hey it’s a nice gesture anyway.  Bond says that spiders are determined from one species to the next by differences in their genitalia. Now I’m really lost as to what this has to do with Neil Young. Is he an exgroupie? Does he know something about Neil the rest of us don’t? It make you want to go HMMMM. 

BATMOBILE ON EBAY

Apparently the Tim Burton Batmobile is going up for auction on Ebay for half a mil. It can’t be coincidence that this is just in time for the release of the new Batman movie “the Dark Knight.” Yes, you can now cruise around pretending that You, Yes, you can be the caped crusader. Now if you can get one of your friends to don the idiot tights of Robin you can hit the bars. It should send all the girls to you because they certainly aren’t going to him. Buy a beer for the “Wingman.”

DOG FOUND IN TRUCK ENGINE

I may know whay you vehicle has been running doggy lately. Have you ever opend up the hood of your vehicle and found a …dog? Squirrels, chipmunks, I’ve come across a lot of small critters in there but never a dog. Walter Witthoef opened the hood of his F-150 and there staring at him was a stuck pit bull terrier. He had somehow wriggled his way into the back of the engine and was impatiently waiting for someone to let him out or give him a biscuit. To amuse himself while he waited, he sat and chewed on everything in sight. Ah boredom. Animal services arrived and freed the dog who was then reunited with his owner, none the worse for wear. Next time your vehicle won’t start, check the plugs, check the wires and don’t forget to look for the dog.

 

NOW FOR OUR COMEDY MOMENT OF THE DAY: If you haven’t seen this you really need to. Ode to Mom by Anita Renfroe