PAULA JONES JENNIFER FLOWERS WEBSITE, UFO COLLISION, CONFESSIONAL SEX, NAIL IN THE HEAD, AND CHEETA WALK OF FAME PETITION

PAULA JONES AND GENNIFER FLOWERS TEAM-UP FOR CLINTON BASHING WEBSITE

Apparently these two weren’t receiving enough attention lately. So, to rectify that oversight, Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers have teamed up for their own website. On it you can watch them relate tales of illicite experiences the two had with Bill Clinton and it’s only for the low low price of  $1.99 a pop. I guess they just wanted to have their own Pay-per-view. Yes it seems the two are broke as well. Since they haven’t had any tabloid attention in years it seems their flash in the pan celebrity status has dried up. The two were out in front of the Clinton Presidential library Monday hucking their site. “It’s a way we can get our story out there in our own words, without someone making their own interpretations or corrections,” Jones said. In other words, you can lie your ass off and not get caught by some savvy newperson has actually done their homework. Yea, I can see where that presents problems. Well, it’s always amusing to watch has beens try to recapture glory days.

 

ROMANIAN JET FIGHTER COLLIDES WITH UFO

A report that has been recently leaked shows that a Romanian jet fighter had a collision with a UFO. Chief investigator Commander Nicolae Grigorie said in the report: ‘We can definitely say what this thing was not, but we cannot say what it was.’ Romanian defence ministry officials have ruled out all normal types of collision such as birdstrikes, ice or small meteorites. Pilot Marin Mitrica was slightly injured but managed to land the plane safely after the incident last year. According to the report, the cockpit was completely shattered during a training flight over Transylvania and it was recorded on an inflight video. I’m sure we’ll never get to see that one. Transylvania, I wonder if they were bats, or maybe a vampire returning home. You need to give those creatures of the night lots of airspace.

 SEX IN THE CONFESSIONAL.

People have made love in a lot of strange places but this one just about takes the prize. In Cesena, Italy a couple were caught having sex in a confessional box while mass was going on. They say those Italians are hot-blooded. The couple’s lawyer says they had been drinking too much and had gone too far. That demon alcohol will get you every time. Although I have to admit I’ve never heard that little devil on my shoulder whispering “Have sex in the confessional, go ahead, I know you want to.” It haas been reported that the couple have repented and asked forgiveness. They’re going to be “Hail Mary”ing for awhile on that one. Last week the bishop celebrated a “Mass of reparation” in the cathedral where the confessional box incident took place to make up for the sacrilege. Hopefully they also celebrated a good hosing down with a lot of disinfectant.

MAN SHOT IN HEAD WITH NAIL GUN

George Chandler of Shawnee, Kansas was outside working on a project when the cord for his nail gun got tangled. It accidentally went off and a nail was shot into his head. “It never did really what you call hurt,” the Shawnee man said Wednesday. He says he only felt a little sting. Chandler said his friend Phil Kern was using a nail gun to mount lattice on Chandler’s deck when a hose on the powerful tool became caught. He stood up just as Kern tried to free the gun and it discharged. At first, they couldn’t locate the nail. But then Kern saw it, he ordered Chandler to sit down while he called 911. Dude, look where you’re pointing that thing. An emergency room doctor tried unsuccessfully to remove the nail with a pair of pliers.”He looked at me and said, ‘I need a claw hammer,'” Chandler recalled. “I thought, ‘Ah, he’s just teasing.'”So the doctor borrowed a claw hammer from a worker to finish the job and sent Chandler home with a few stitches. “He got a screwdriver at the same time, and he took the screwdriver and pried the nail up a little bit and got the claw hammer,” Chandler said. You know, maybe taking some off classes like carpentry for your medical degree can come in handy. The doctor was probably a fan of “This Old House.” It brings to mind the old axiom, “If all else fails, get a bigger hammer.”

HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME STAR FOR AN APE?

You bet. Cheeta the famous movie chimp deserves a star. I know I was entertained for endless hours watching those Tarzan movies with the antics of Cheeta taking center stage. There were times he upstaged the actors. Believe it or not, the 76-year-old chimp, who the Guinness World Records has called the oldest living, non-human primate, is retired and lives in Palm Springs. Cheeta also has a MySpace page, which lists painting “Ape-Stract Art” among his hobbies, and The Monkees his favorite band. Now there is a petiton going around to get him a star on the Walk of Fame. Actually, this is the seventh attempt at it. Other animal stars like Lassie and Rin Tin Tin are there. Heck even Godzilla and Donald Duck are there and they aren’t even real. Cheeta has certainly paid his dues and deserves this coveted recognition. Heck I say why stop there, lifetime achievement award from the Academy. Go here to help correct this sad error and give some love to Cheeta. http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/GoCheeta/ He’s been waiting a long time for this. Let’s not disappoint him.

 

PEARL HARBOR MONUMENT, MARIJUANA COMPOST, PLAN 9 REMAKE, AND BIG BUCK BUNNY

PEARL HARBOR NATIONAL MONUMENT

In one of the few moves I’ve ever agreed with by George Bush, he’s trying to get national Monument status for the Pearl Harbor region in Hawaii. To date no such thing exists. There is the memorial for the USS Arizona and Ford Island, where several of the Navy’s battleships were moored during the attack, is a National Historic Landmark. This would give historic staus to the whole region which would qualify it for preservation and restoration beneifts. A May 29 presidential memo to Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne said such status could offer the sites additional protection. “These objects of historical and scientific interest may tell the broader story of the war, the sacrifices made by America and its allies, and the heroism and determination that laid the groundwork for victory in the Pacific and triumph in World War II,” Bush said. Surely this region deserves the recognition and the protection.  This plan might also include some of the surrounding areas where other World War II conflicts took place like Guam, Wake and Midway. If Bush was looking for something that the American public would approve of this will likely not elicite many arguments. Yes, George, for once you may actually have a good idea. Remembering a war is better than having one. I think I may mark this one on the calendar- Bush has a good idea. I never thought we’d be going there.

 

USING MARIJUANA AS COMPOST?

Police have arrested a 30-year old man in Iowa for possessing Marijuana with the intent to distribute. He says no. He was going to recycle it. I know I recycle mine. Every chance I get. Yes, according to him, it was for the compost pile. Apparently he’d been smoking some before he handed them that excuse. You gotta hand it to him, it’s original. Police say that the several bags he had all held at least a gallon of pot each. That’s a lot of compost. I wonder if he was going to mix it with manure, like his story is.  The police wasn’t buying it as he now has to post $14,000 for bail. I guess the compost will be a little thin this year.

THE ULTIMATE MOVIE REMAKE – PLAN 9

I admit it, I’m a fan of really bad movies. There are few worse and more hilarious than Ed Wood’s classic Plan 9 from Outer Space featuring Tor Johnson and Vampira.  The beauty of this film is its complete ineptitude as a film. Now a company wants to remake the film. Just what we need is a bad remake of a bad film.  Let’s see bad story, bad acting and bad effects. Hmm, can’t be worse than Spielberg’s War of the Worlds. But I think they ought to leave it alone. If they turn it into a good movie, then the beauty is lost, same thing if they try to do a comedy, Plan 9 is unintentionally funny. If I want to watch silly Sci-Fi, I’ll catch Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks.   Anyway, a tiny little horror production company in Charlottesville, Virginia has announced plans to remake it as titled Plan 9, in participation with Conrad Brooks, the only surviving cast/crew member, aiming for a release date of 9/9/09. Guys if you want to do cheap bad horror/sci-fi try something that hasn’t been done. Personally I’m looking forward to Zombie Strippers. Leave great bad classics alone and let Ed Wood rest in his angora film maker deluded peace. Next thing some idiot will want to do a hip-hop version of Rocky Horror. Oops, better keep my mouth shut, somebody will run with that one.

BIG BUCK BUNNY

This thing is too funny. You have to watch it to the very end and bear with the credits. It’s worth it.

HILLARY AND KENNEDY, EBAY CHILD AUCTION, INDIANA JONES BAN, AND VINCE YOUNG APOLOGY

 HILLARY CLINTON’S FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

 It’s amazing how quickly a slip of the tongue will come back and haunt you. John Lennon knew about that when he made his comment that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Well, Hillary Clinton is the newest victim of the dreaded foot in mouth disease. The media has been running wild with her comment about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. She may have effectively hung herself politically. That would be too bad. She’s a fighter. Her go down swinging attitude I find refreshing. For those of you that have been living in a cave and have no idea of what I’m talking about, here’s the instant replay. Responding to a question from the Sioux Falls Argus Leader editorial board about calls for her to drop out of the race, she said: “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don’t understand it,” she said, dismissing the idea of abandoning the race. Clinton said she didn’t understand why, given this history, some Democrats were calling for her to quit. Of course, upon realizing she’d said something stupid, she immediately apologized, citing the Kennedy’s were on her mind because of Massachusett’s Senator Edward Kennedy having been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Right now, Clinton supporters are fleeing like rats deserting the proverbial sinking ship. I find it ironic that she holds Robert F. Kennedy’s former seat in New York. It will also be ironic that in a family that has always held the Kennedy’s in such high esteem that it should be Hillary’s downfall. Bill had always claimed that JFK was his hero and during his campaign that picture of him meeting JFK when he was a boy was everywhere. I think maybe she should simply claim a momentary lapse of reason. We all have them. Like Flip Wilson used to say: “The Devil made me do it, The Devil made me do it.” “Doctor, you’re wanted in surgery, Mrs. Clinton needs her foot removed from her mouth.” Foot in mouth, debilitating politicians since the beginning of time.

PARENTS TRY TO SELL CHILD ON EBAY

Well, Ebay has become the place for strange auctions. A couple from Berlin, Germany has put their 7 month old boy up for auction for one Euro, about $1.57. Peter Hieber, a spokesman for police in the Bavarian town of Krumbach, said the baby was placed in the care of youth services, although the child’s mother insisted the ad was only a joke. It’s not much of a joke if you ask me. Authorities have launched an investigation into possible child trafficking against the baby’s mother and father, neither of whom was identified. “Offering my nearly new baby for sale, as it has gotten too loud. It is a male baby, nearly 28 inches long and can be used either in a baby carrier or a stroller,” police quoted the Ebay listing. I wonder how much shipping was. No offers were made for the child in the two hours and 30 minutes the ad was posted on Tuesday. I’m surprised, that was a pretty cheap price for a rugrat. Ebay later deleted the posting, but assisted police in tracking down the parents. I wonder what Ebay policy this one violated.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISTS CALL FOR BAN ON NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE

Not everyone is a fan of the new Indiana Jones movie. Members of the Russian Communist party are calling for a ban on the film because of Cate Blanchett’s portrayal of a 1950’s KGB agent. Russian Communist Party members condemned the new “Indiana Jones” film on Friday as crude, anti-Soviet propaganda that distorts history. Ya think? I’ve never looked to an Indiana Jones movie for a history lesson.  “What galls is how together with America we defeated Hitler, and how we sympathized when Bin Laden hit them. But they go ahead and scare kids with Communists. These people have no shame,” said Viktor Perov, a Communist Party member in Russia‘s second city of St. Petersburg. Can you say, over-reacting? The film, was released in Russian cinemas on Thursday. Russian media said it was being shown on 808 screens, the widest ever release for a Hollywood movie. Well, a controversy never hurts to get folks into the theater. This could score a lot of rubles for Indy. I wonder what Harrison Ford sounds like in Russian. Do their lips sync or are they like those old martial arts movies from the 60’s.  

 

VINCE YOUNG APOLOGIZES – KIND OF

Because of pressure about the party pictures of him all over the internet, including this site, Vince Young has apologized, sort of. Vince apologizes thusly:”I apologize to some of the kids if they did see it because I am trying to be a role model for them. But at the same time, I was just trying to have fun with (friends). That is the life of a quarterback, somebody of my status. I guess somebody was trying to make some money and sold the picture to the web site. But at the same time that is the life I chose to live. But it is not going to stop me from having fun. I just have to watch myself. They always want to try and get some negative pub on me. It wasn’t really nothing bad. … Everybody deserves to have a good time every once in a while during the offseason.” Let’s see, every once in a while. Let’s check the QB’s schedule, shall we?
Vince Young’s White Tee Party @ the ROC Wednesdays – 5.14.08
Vince Young’s Invite Only Pool Party at the Westside Tennis Club – 5.15.08
Vince Young’s Birthday Weekend KickOff Party & Premiere of the iBar – 5.16.08
Vince, Shawn Marion & Jevon Kearse host Baby Blue Carpet Affair @ Club Level – 5.17.08
Vince Young Bday BBQ Cookout & Daytime party at the Red Door – 5.18.08
Lil Wayne, Lloyd, Mannie Fresh, Lil Keke at Vince Young Bday Bash at BAR RIO – 5.18.08
Looks to me like every once in a while is every day. Liver transplant for Vince Young. Liver Transplant for Vince Young. If you follow the links above you can get a look at each one of the parties. They were careful not to show Vince actually drinking this time, but one actually shows the cops arriving at the Baby Blue Carpet Affair though you have to go through 10 pages of pics to get to it. Getting in shape for the pre-season, eh Vince.

 

HILLARY WINS, VELCRO, SEAT BELT BEER, ITALIAN PHOTOGRAPHER, AND MICHAEL MOORE

HILLARY WINS WEST VIRGINIA WHILE OBAMA SHOOTS POOL

As expected HIllary Clinton won the Democratic Primary by her largest margin so far. Barack Obama conceded the contest even before it took place and spent some time trying to put the eight ball in the corner pocket. He apparently decided to stop off at a West Virginia bar and knock a few balls around with the patrons. It really gives you that workingman’s friend image doesn’t it. Hopefully he was better at that than he was bowling. Next up is Oregon where the candidates will again square off. Clinton picked up at least 15 more delegates with the win and she may get more of the 28 total. Obama is currently trying to set up a late summer/fall tour where he and McCain would appear together so that they could debate side by side, sort of a Barackapalooza.

VELCRO MILESTONE!

Today is the 50th anniversary of the most useful substance on earth next to duct tape. It’s velcro and the anniversary was celebrated by employees of the New Hampshire based company lining up on a parade route for a mile and a half for a group rip of velcro. The sound of velcro filled the air as everyone pulled at the same time. There’s a rumor that Velcro USA is working on a silent version. I have to say it just wouldn’t be the same. For me, the rip is part of the appeal. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

AUSTRALIAN DRIVER SEAT BELTS BEER, NOT CHILD

Well we know where this guy’s priorities are, proper care and transportation of the beer. In Darwin, Australia, evolution apparently left this guy behind, a man was fined for buckling in his case of beer instead of his child whom he left sitting on the floor. Save the beer, save the beer. The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car’s floor. “The child was sitting on the lump in the center, unrestrained,” Constable Wayne Burnett told reporters Tuesday. The car was also unregistered and uninsured. You gotta love those wacky Aussies. It’s always gratifying to know that Americans aren’t the only ones doing stupid things.

MAN PHOTOGRAPHS OVER 3,000 WOMEN’S BUTTS ILLEGALLY

In Venice, Italy, a man was arrested for coming up behind women and then photographing their butts. He carried a hidden camera inside a bag to take photos up women’s short skirts. A 38-year old Italian has been arrested and charged with privacy infringement. Police found DVDs in his possession that contained over 3,000 images of women’s bottoms. I wonder if the guy had an intenet site. Police said he had been filming for around two years. Ah Venice, the city of romance. Seems to me it would have been simpler to pick up a copy of Playboy.

MICHAEL MOORE TURNS UP THE FAHRENHEIT

Michael Moore is at it again. With the disasterous turnout for is last film effort “Sicko,” he is resorting to an older formula by reving up a sequel to “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Once again he returns to slamming George Bush and trying to reveal the corruption and dirty dealings of the Bush Administration post 9/11. Now that Bush is on his way out and has an approval rating that is nearly sub-zero, he figures the time is right. Also Bush is probably an easy target and no one will criticize Moore for slamming him. He can’t afford another movie disaster. I think a sequel to “Fahrenheit” will be as big a flop as “Sicko.” I mean who actually cares. He needs to do something new, fresh and original. Maybe something like how bad Hollywood sequels get made. How about days in the life of a washed up director trying to recapture former glory.