Archive for penis

CARLSBERG BEER EMPLOYEES RIGHT TO DRINK, FIRST CLASS THIEF, KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN BREADLESS SANDWICH, and MAN’S PENIS STOLEN BY POLICE

Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Life, News, Politics, Random, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2010 by mclassen

 Carlsberg staff responded to a recent beer ban by going on strike

Carlsberg Beer Empoyees Strike for On-the-Job Beer Drinking

Beer, one of the few things worth fighting for. At least it appears that’s what employees at Carlsberg Beer in Copenhagen, Denmark, think. Almost 800 staff walked out, with 250 remaining on strike after the new rules came into force. No more beer except at lunch. Wow, no more drinking on the job. Jens Bekke, spokesman, said that drivers retained a right to three beers per day outside lunch hours and that warehouse employees claimed the same right. Did he say a right? Does that mean their worker’s union negotiated beer into their contracts? The warehouse guys too?  “Yesterday, beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch. Because of that, the warehouse staff went on strike yesterday, with other staff striking in sympathy,” he said. I suspect at this point a lot of these employees have alcohol problems. Can you say withdrawal? They went on strike cause they all went to the pub in need of  beer. He stated that Carlsberg shipments from Copenhagen would not occur on Thursday and that delays would occur in the rest of the country. On the upside, weaving beer trucks on the highway would be severly reduced. Carlsberg’s trucks are fitted with alcohol locks, preventing drivers from drunk-driving. As many beers as they were allowed they didn’t need the locks. I’m sure a couple of carry-ons would fix that.

Thief in the Mail

Now, I have to admit for once, this one is pretty clever. A thief in Poland pulled off a series of robberies by climbing into large parcels and mailed himself to businesses,  then climbing out and having his way with them at night. Not bad eh? It gets better. Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then make his getaway by sealing both himself and the loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home. Mailed in, shipped out. How creative is that? Well, there’s always a flaw in every plan. His “best laid plans” came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job it was to deliver him to courier firms. He contacted police and reported the scheme. Well it looks like your P.O. Box is about to be cancelled.
After being tipped off, police said: “We arranged a special delivery of our own.” I bet they did. The only special deliveries he’ll be making will be through the rear entrance.

The KFC Double Down Sandwich: Say 'no' to bread

KFC’s No Bread Sandwich

Now from our disgusting mass of goo department, here’s the next brilliant, and I use that term sarcastically, innovation in the fast food revolution. It’s the no bread sandwich. I have to wonder what brilliant think tank came up with this one? KFC’s bosses reasoned that burgers just don’t contain enough meat, so have released the Double Down Chicken Sandwich, which says “no to bread” replacing it with chicken that sandwiches bacon, cheese and the Colonel’s special sauce. That’s what reasoning will get ya. Like I said, “Mass of Goo.” You really don’t want to try this with clothes you want to keep. The KFC Double Down sandwich website says “this one-of-a-kind sandwich” features “two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel’s Sauce.” Don’t you just love the company propaganda. Well, we can only hope this remains a one-of-a-kind sandwich. Can you see giving this to one of the kids? You better hope you have a Labrador to clean the car and the kid. The Double Down is set to launch in America on April 12. Hmm. I’m thinking Arbys.

Police Sieze Furniture Store Owner’s Penis

It appears a case of penis envy has led to penis siezure by a law enforcement agency in Britian. 46-year-old Jason Hadlow’s prized stone Indonesian penis carving was snatched by police after a member of the public complained about the $400, four-foot phallus, which was on display in his furniture store window. That’s what happens when you show your penis in public. He was told to pay an $150 fixed penalty notice, or face prosecution for causing “harassment, alarm and distress” and was told he can only have his penis back if he promises not to put it on display again. No more Indonesian penis flashing for you. Hadlow, who runs the store in North Yorkshire, has now started a Facebook campaign for the return of the phallus, which he has naturally called the “Free Willy” campaign. What else would it be? His experiences have not discouraged him though, he told the Northern Echo that he’s ordered over a hundred more of the phalluses: “I have got a container of them coming in four weeks, which contains a minimum of 150 of the willies.” Wow, the police are going to need a warehouse just to house their arrested penises. Sounds like this could develop into a fixation. Local police said they were within their rights to seize the penis, insisting that Hadlow was “committing an offense.” Cuff ’em Dann-o.

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BO DIDDLEY, KURT COBAIN’S ASHES, WASHERS STUCK ON PENIS, AND ELVIS IN ENGLAND

Posted in Art, Books, Culture, Entertainment, Events, Family, Food, Humor, Life, Love, Media, Movies, Music, News, Personal, Photography, Poetry, Politics, Random, Religion, Sports, Technology, Thoughts, Travel, Uncategorized, Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2008 by mclassen

THE GREAT BO DIDDLEY PASSES AWAY 
Rock and Roll pioneer and one of a kind Bo Diddley passed away in his home in Archer, Florida at the age of 79. Virtually every musician was influenced by Diddley from the Rolling Stones to George Thoroughgood. Eric Burdon and the Animals did a song called Bo Diddley about a life changing encounter Burdon had with him in a local pub. The Bo Diddley rhythm and beat is iconic with no other like it with countless musicians copying it. All these years he played with a homemade square box guitar that wa just as recognizable as he was.  By his early teens, Diddley was playing Chicago’s Maxwell Street. “I came out of school and made something out of myself. I am known all over the globe, all over the world. There are guys who have done a lot of things that don’t have the same impact that I had,” he said. Diddley, like other artists of his generations, was paid a flat fee for his recordings and said he received no royalty payments on record sales. He also said he was never paid for many of his performances. “I am owed. I’ve never got paid,” he said. “A dude with a pencil is worse than a cat with a machine gun.” Growing up, Diddley said he had no musical idols, and he wasn’t entirely pleased that others drew on his innovations. “I don’t like to copy anybody. Everybody tries to do what I do, update it,” he said. “I don’t have any idols I copied after. They copied everything I did, upgraded it, messed it up. It seems to me that nobody can come up with their own thing, they have to put a little bit of Bo Diddley there,” he said. Because he only received a small portion of the money he made during his career, he continued to tour and record music until his stroke. Between tours, he made his home near Gainesville in north Florida. “Seventy ain’t nothing but a damn number,” he told The Associated Press in 1999. “I’m writing and creating new stuff and putting together new different things. Trying to stay out there and roll with the punches. I ain’t quit yet.” Your music will rock forever Bo.
STORY OF BO DIDDLEY – ERIC BURDON AND THE ANIMALS

VINTAGE DIDDLEY – HIS SISTER THE DUTCHESS ON RHYTHM GUITAR

ENCORE!
 

KURT COBAIN’S ASHES STOLEN

Courtney Love is said to be suicidal” after a teddy bear shaped bag containing the ashes of her late husband, grunge rock legend Kurt Cobain, was stolen from her Los Angeles home, according to reports. “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.” Love says “I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal.” No surprise there. Courtney makes Keith Richards look like a temperance advocate. Love said the ashes-filled bag, along with thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and clothes, were taken from her home sometime in May. Why was there, expensive jewery in there? And clothes? You’re wearing Kurt ash covered clothes? “If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do,” she said. Knowing her, she was probably passed out on the bathroom floor while they were stealing them. After Cobain’s death in 1994, portions of his ashes were scattered at a Buddhist temple in New York and in the Wishkah River near his birth home of Aberdeen, Wash. The rest of his remains stayed with his widow, who said she “used to take them everywhere with me just so I could feel Kurt was still with me. Now it feels like I have lost him all over again.” You’re the idiot that stored jewelry in there. Right now Kurt’s ashes are probably being twisted up in a doobie somewhere. You know ashes to bong ashes.

MAN GETS WASHERS STUCK ON PENIS

I’m not sure how this happened. Actually I’m not sure I want to know how this happened, but a man in Hornsby, Australia underwent surgery to have 16 washers removed from his penis. He had first called the local firemen to come and help get them off, but when they were unsuccessful after trying for over an hour. He was transported to the local hospital. What I want to know is did these professionals maintain a professional attitude throughout or did they, as I would have, burst out in a fit of laughter at the absudity of this yo-yo’s plight. At the hospital he underwent three hours of surgery to extricate the trapped appendage. The origin of this had to be some drunken bet. I know don’t ask, don’t tell. It’s reported that he won’t undergo any lasting permanent effects from the mishap. No one knows how this happened and his name has not been released. I wouldn’t want my name released either.

ELVIS TERRORIZES SMALL TOWN IN ENGLAND

For those of you that are still out looking for Elvis, we’ve found him in England. He’s been harrassing the residents of Wilsden, West Yorkshire and they are about to slap him with an anti social behavior citation. Yes, Elvis is creating a public nuisance of himself. Elvis, has been accused of dive-bombing people and wrecking street lights when owner Edward Pikul lets him out. Dive-bombing, owner letting him out? Oh that’s right, this Elvis is a parrot. He also acts like a juvenile delinquent. ‘He is a lovely pet and would never harm anybody. If I had to imprison him in his cage, I would rather get rid of him,’ said 49-year-old Mr Pikul. ‘It’s true Elvis has a mischievous streak, he knows a few swear words and his shriek is quite loud but he’s an ­abs­olute joy to have.’ But one resident complained: “The bird is a nuisance. Just because he likes the parrot doesn’t mean he should terrorise the whole village with it. Elvis is just a mad old thing, he follows me when I go to work. He clings on to the van roof and holds on for dear life, then flies around until he feels like coming home.” I’m picturing this and I keep coming up with a Benny Hill skit. Not everyone is against Elvis. He has local fans. Pikul and his daughter Melissa, pictured below with Elvis, are receiving calls and emails supporting Elvis and his wayward lifestyle. “He is gorgeous and to see him flying around is magnificent,’ said Helen Smith, anti-social behaviour officer for Bradford Council. ‘But he has a dark side.” Stay away from the dark side Elvis.

Elvis parrot

ASTROLOGERS PREDICT ELECTION, FUTURE HOTEL, LOST PARROT, DREW CAREY’S PROMISE, AND FLYING PENIS

Posted in Art, Books, Culture, Entertainment, Events, Family, Food, Humor, Life, Love, Media, Movies, Music, News, Personal, Photography, Poetry, Politics, Random, Religion, Sports, Technology, Thoughts, Travel, Uncategorized, Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2008 by mclassen

ASTROLOGERS PREDICT OBAMA WILL WIN

Well, we can all go home now. The astrologers have spoken, election’s over. At a conference in Denver, a group of astrologers did the charts for the presidential candidates. Six panelists predicted the election will go to Barack Obama, thanks to a Saturn-Jupiter conjunction which predicts change. That’s so precise. No matter who wins it means change. The seventh panelist, Shelley Ackerman, saw an Obama win, but worried about Neptune doing something funky in January, endangering his chances of actually taking office. Her colleagues agreed the stars did look dicey in this respect. Keep in mind this is Denver and the oxygen is a little thin there. “Obama’s chart and the United States’ chart are very much alike,” said Sandra Leigh Serio. “From an astrological standpoint, he’s a man of destiny. (John) McCain also has a strong connection to the U.S. chart.” Hillary Clinton? Not so much, apparently. “There’s a little more confusion with her and the U.S. chart,” Serio said. Confusion? I think the whole thing is confusing. The astrologers have left themselves a way out though. “We don’t have a single solid birth chart,” panelist Robert Hand told the crowd. “If those dates are wrong, everything I say is garbage.” And Serio said the panel was “doing this in the shadows of Mercury and Neptune — this might not have any validity at all in a few months.” I told you they had an excuse. Hand ominously noted there would be an eclipse of the sun in August, with Mercury ascending for George W. Bush. This seemed to portend election-day shenanigans. So, much for accuracy. Well, the planets are in line and the stars have spoken. Obama Wins. Now we can all stay home and call it quits.  I guess I’m not all that “star” struck with this. I’m voting anyway.

SHELLEY ACKERMAN – ASTROLOGER PANELIST

Astrologer Shelley Ackerman

 

HOTEL CHAIN’S FUTURE PLANS…ON THE MOON

A budget hotel company has decided to look ahead, way ahead. They are making plans for expansion on the moon and have already purchased a plot. I haven’t found out where it is located or who they bought it from. Who does the moon actually belong to? Premier Inns says it will be welcoming travellers right off the space shuttle within 25 years. They feel that lunar tourism will be common in the next 20 to 30 years and they want to be prepared. ‘The challenges are unique and no doubt as we learn more we will adapt and improve our designs,’ said the company’s construction director, Alex Flach. Challenges are right, less gravity, no air, no McDonalds…yet. I think I still prefer the Carribean.

TEACH YOUR PARROT HOW TO GET HOME

A lost African Gray Parrot named Yosuke has been returned to his owners in Tokyo, Japan because of an unusual trick. The Nakamura family had spent nearly two years teaching the bird their, name and home address including the street number. Police had found the bird on a rooftop and had brought it to the police station, but the bird wasn’t about to spill to the cops. This bird knew his rights and remained silent. It was when Yosuke was turned over to a veterinarian that he began to sing. Actually hekept everybody at the vet’s entertained with his singing. But, in between tunes, he recited his owner’s name and address. They checked and sure enough Yosuke’s owners were there and grateful to get their parrot back. You see, it pays to educate your pets. Yosuke’s mug shot is below.

Yosuke the parrot rests in his cage at his home in Nagareyama ... 

 

DREW CAREY’S PROMISE TO SOCCER FANS

Drew Carey has become part owner in the Seattle Sounders, a new Major League Soccer team. Even though he is a minor owner, it hasn’t stopped him from rattling a few trees right off the get go. Carey is promising season ticket holders that they can fire the team’s general manager once every four years if they don’t like how the team is doing. It’ll be interesting to see how this pans out. Fans with power over your job is a scary thing. Personally I think this would make it hard to get a good manager but I can also see the appeal from a fan perspective. Well, we’ll see how long this lasts. And we’ll see how long it is before the other owners dump Drew.
  

ATTACK OF THE FLYING PENIS

Those crazy Russians are at it again. At a political rally in Russia, a thus far unique kind of disruption occurred. Young Russian activists turned loose a modified radio controlled helicopter. It had become a flying penis. Yes folks it was a flying dick. It made It’s rather disrupting appearance during an address being given by Russian Premier Kasparov, who to his credit took it in stride as best he could. I suspect vodka was involved in the creation of this strange little device. One of Kasparov’s bodyguards risked life and limb and slapped the menacing penis to the floor and then stomped on it. There might be something Freudian in that. If there was a political message attached to this, it was too obscure for me to get it.

flying penis