CARLSBERG BEER EMPLOYEES RIGHT TO DRINK, FIRST CLASS THIEF, KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN BREADLESS SANDWICH, and MAN’S PENIS STOLEN BY POLICE

 

Carlsberg Beer Empoyees Strike for On-the-Job Beer Drinking

Beer, one of the few things worth fighting for. At least it appears that’s what employees at Carlsberg Beer in Copenhagen, Denmark, think. Almost 800 staff walked out, with 250 remaining on strike after the new rules came into force. No more beer except at lunch. Wow, no more drinking on the job. Jens Bekke, spokesman, said that drivers retained a right to three beers per day outside lunch hours and that warehouse employees claimed the same right. Did he say a right? Does that mean their worker’s union negotiated beer into their contracts? The warehouse guys too?  “Yesterday, beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch. Because of that, the warehouse staff went on strike yesterday, with other staff striking in sympathy,” he said. I suspect at this point a lot of these employees have alcohol problems. Can you say withdrawal? They went on strike cause they all went to the pub in need of  beer. He stated that Carlsberg shipments from Copenhagen would not occur on Thursday and that delays would occur in the rest of the country. On the upside, weaving beer trucks on the highway would be severly reduced. Carlsberg’s trucks are fitted with alcohol locks, preventing drivers from drunk-driving. As many beers as they were allowed they didn’t need the locks. I’m sure a couple of carry-ons would fix that.

Thief in the Mail

Now, I have to admit for once, this one is pretty clever. A thief in Poland pulled off a series of robberies by climbing into large parcels and mailed himself to businesses,  then climbing out and having his way with them at night. Not bad eh? It gets better. Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then make his getaway by sealing both himself and the loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home. Mailed in, shipped out. How creative is that? Well, there’s always a flaw in every plan. His “best laid plans” came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job it was to deliver him to courier firms. He contacted police and reported the scheme. Well it looks like your P.O. Box is about to be cancelled.
After being tipped off, police said: “We arranged a special delivery of our own.” I bet they did. The only special deliveries he’ll be making will be through the rear entrance.

KFC’s No Bread Sandwich

Now from our disgusting mass of goo department, here’s the next brilliant, and I use that term sarcastically, innovation in the fast food revolution. It’s the no bread sandwich. I have to wonder what brilliant think tank came up with this one? KFC’s bosses reasoned that burgers just don’t contain enough meat, so have released the Double Down Chicken Sandwich, which says “no to bread” replacing it with chicken that sandwiches bacon, cheese and the Colonel’s special sauce. That’s what reasoning will get ya. Like I said, “Mass of Goo.” You really don’t want to try this with clothes you want to keep. The KFC Double Down sandwich website says “this one-of-a-kind sandwich” features “two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel’s Sauce.” Don’t you just love the company propaganda. Well, we can only hope this remains a one-of-a-kind sandwich. Can you see giving this to one of the kids? You better hope you have a Labrador to clean the car and the kid. The Double Down is set to launch in America on April 12. Hmm. I’m thinking Arbys.

Police Sieze Furniture Store Owner’s Penis

It appears a case of penis envy has led to penis siezure by a law enforcement agency in Britian. 46-year-old Jason Hadlow’s prized stone Indonesian penis carving was snatched by police after a member of the public complained about the $400, four-foot phallus, which was on display in his furniture store window. That’s what happens when you show your penis in public. He was told to pay an $150 fixed penalty notice, or face prosecution for causing “harassment, alarm and distress” and was told he can only have his penis back if he promises not to put it on display again. No more Indonesian penis flashing for you. Hadlow, who runs the store in North Yorkshire, has now started a Facebook campaign for the return of the phallus, which he has naturally called the “Free Willy” campaign. What else would it be? His experiences have not discouraged him though, he told the Northern Echo that he’s ordered over a hundred more of the phalluses: “I have got a container of them coming in four weeks, which contains a minimum of 150 of the willies.” Wow, the police are going to need a warehouse just to house their arrested penises. Sounds like this could develop into a fixation. Local police said they were within their rights to seize the penis, insisting that Hadlow was “committing an offense.” Cuff ’em Dann-o.

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MARTHA STEWART FAIL, CHOPPER UFO CHASE, WOODEN ELECTRIC CAR, WEIRDO IN THE COUCH, ROBOT GIRLFRIENDS, TRONS, AND STAR WARS DANCERS

 MARTHA STEWART BANNED, DENIED, NO GO TO BRITAIN

Ah the old ghost comes back to haunt. The Queen of whatever it is she does, Martha Stewart, has seen the old ghost of her past rise before her eyes once again. The woman who had no life and made a carreer out of it is visiting Poland where they are launching a version of her “Martha Stewart Living” magazine in Polish. She thought she’d stop by the British Isles on her way home. Wrong, fail, not going to happen. Apparently, the British powers that be don’t appreciate her prison record and have denied her a visa  to enter the country. I guess she won’t be showing the queen how to make paper flowers this time around.  “Martha loves England; the country and English culture are near and dear to her heart,” said Charles Koppelman, chairman of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. “She has engagements with English companies and business leaders and hopes this can be resolved so that she will be able to visit soon.” I guess they will just have to come to her back in the good old U.S. of A. A British spokeswoman, however, refused to comment about Stewart’s entry to Britain, but added: “We continue to oppose the entry to the U.K. of individuals where we believe their presence in the United Kingdom is not conducive to the public good or where they have been found guilty of serious criminal offenses abroad.” Ouch. That’s going to leave a mark. Now for those of you that have been living under the proverbial rock here’s a recap. In 2004, Stewart was convicted in federal court of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and making false statements related to a personal sale of ImClone Systems Inc. stock. She got a five-month prison sentence, and also served an additional five months and three weeks of home confinement. Well, Martha, I guess it sucks for you. Welcome back to the real world where we all live with our mistakes. No crumpets for you.

 

HELICOPTER PURSUES UFO

In England a police helicopter spotted a flying saucer and decided to give chase. If UFOs can outrun a jet, did the police really think they had a chance in a chopper? The mystery aircraft zoomed straight at the chopper as the three-man cop crew prepared to land. Tag, you’re it. The pilot was forced to bank sharply to avoid being hit by the mystery aircraft as the helicopter was returning to the Ministry of Defence base of St Athan, near Cardiff. Maybe it was another of those infamous secret experimental military aircraft. The three crew described the UFO as ‘flying saucer-shaped’. They gave chase, getting as far as the North Devon coast before they ran low on fuel. “They are convinced it was a UFO. It sounds far-fetched, but they know what they saw.” Said an unnamed source. Why do these people always refuse to give their name? I don’t know how far-fetched it sounds these days. These things are appearing almost daily. I wish one would land and say “Hi,” but then sombody would probably shoot at it.

WOODEN ELECTRIC CAR UNVEILED

What would Henry Ford think if he saw this? A driver takes a prototype wooden electric car for a spin after it was unveiled in Kyoto, Japan. The buggy, which has bamboo-weave doors, has a range of six miles and can hit 30mph. It kind of reminds me of a golf cart. It would be great for putting around town.

WEIRDO HIDES IN COUCH

It is amazing to what extent some people will go through to be weird. Police say a New York man cut a hole in a woman’s couch and hid in the carved-out space until she came home.  Newburgh police said the woman sat on the couch Wednesday evening and felt a bump in the cushions move.  That would be really creepy. She jumped up and David Joe Limones emerged from his hiding place, knocking a cell phone out of her hand. Surprise. A jack-in-box in the couch. The woman was on the phone with a friend when she entered her apartment because she had filed an earlier complaint against Limones and was worried he might be there. She was obviously much smarter than he was. Police said she had asked the friend to stay on the line and call police if something went wrong. When officers arrived, they found Limones and the 22-year-old woman arguing on the apartment’s balcony. Hopefully they can put this cat away, but somehow I suspect this will only be temporary fix for this guy.

SEGA ROBOT GIRLFRIEND

Feeling lonely, can’t get a girl, tired of coming home to the hamster. Well Sega has come up with an idea to help you out. It’s a pixie-size robotic girlfriend with a big chest who will kiss on command. Android love baby. The petite lady, known as “EMA” (an acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization), runs on batteries and will hit stores in September with a price of about $175. It’s a lot cheaper than a real girlfriend. “Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that’s sweet and interactive,” Sega spokesperson Minako Sakanoue said. “She’s very lovable and though she’s not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend.” Well let’s not carry it too far. She’s only 15 inches high. It’s more like a pucker up Barbie, except she looks like the Joan Rivers android in Spaceballs. When EMA’s sensors detect a nearby human head, she puckers up for a kiss, designers call this her “love mode.” How wonderfully…weird. Well, if nothing else, she suppossedly does a song and dance too. Really, I’m not kidding. EMA should be available by Christmas, batteries not included.

TRONS – ROBOT BAND: I guess we don’t need musicians any more.

 
STAR WARS DANCE-A-THON
 

WE CAN BE HEROES, DRUNK LAWNMOWER, BATHROOM CORPSE, NEVERLAND RANCH, AND THE PRICE OF BEER

 A TRUE HERO PASSES AWAY

Irena Sendler, a Polish Social worker passed away at 98 in Warsaw, Poland. This woman is a true hero on every sense of the word and should be an inspiration to all. Born in Warsaw, Sendler served as a social worker with the city’s welfare department, masterminding the risky rescue operations of Jewish children from the Warsaw Ghetto during Nazi Germany’s brutal World War II occupation. Records show that Sendler’s team of some 20 people saved nearly 2,500 children from the Warsaw Ghetto between October 1940 and April 1943, when the Nazis burned the ghetto, shooting the residents or sending them to death camps. Babies and small children were smuggled out in ambulances and in trams, sometimes wrapped up as packages. Teenagers escaped by joining teams of workers forced to labor outside the ghetto. They were placed in families, orphanages, hospitals or convents. In hopes of one day uniting the children with their families – most of whom perished in the Nazis’ death camps – Sendler wrote the children’s real names on slips of paper that she kept at home. When German police came to arrest her in 1943, an assistant managed to hide the slips, which Sendler later buried in a jar under an apple tree in an associate’s yard. Some 2,500 names were recorded. She passed away in a nursing home Monday. She earned her wings in heaven. Hopefully her legacy will live on as our world is in such need of help. Deluged with natural disasters occuring around the globe Like Myanmar, China, and Chile, children and people are left broken and battered confronted with death daily. With so many in desperate need, her example of giving, selflessness, standing up for what is right, and braving all to save those in seemingly hopeless situations while casting away differences of idealogy, culture, and politics to serve the greater need of the human family to which we all belong and rally for their rescue. 

A TRIBUTE – DAVID BOWIE AND QUEEN

DRUNK DRIVER ON LAWNMOWER

Have you ever been busted for driving a riding lawnmower drunk? An Irving, New York man can now say he has. Police got a call that a tuxedo clad intoxicated man was out driving a lawnmower in the early morning hours. He was charged with felony driving while intoxicated and aggravated unlicensed operation. When did this become a felony? Someone has no sense of humor. I didn’t know you had to have a license to putt your lawnmower along the street. How fast could this guy have been going? I think I would have just asked him to go home and sleep it off. Why tie up the court system with this? Must be the cops were annoyed because they got called away from their morning coffee and donuts.

 

FAMILY LIVES WITH DEAD PERSON IN BATHROOM 

 A Wisconsin woman and her two children were discovered living with a 90 year old dead woman sitting on their toilet. Alan Bushey, a self proclaimed bishop of the Queen of the Holy Rosary Shrine had told the woman, Tammy Lewis and her children, that the corpse would come back to life if they prayed hard enough.  She and her two children prayed for four days and when nothing happened they propped her up on the toilet and left her there! The “Bishop” told the children that the decay in the corpse appeared as it did because demons wanted to make it appear as if she wasn’t coming to life. Can we all say “don’t listen to the Crazy Man?” Could this be any more braindead. Well, guess what, the body was left there for more than two months! It proves once again that people will listen to absolutely anybody.

FORECLOSURE ON MICHAEL JACKSON’S NEVERLAND RANCH AVERTED

Just in the nick of time, Neverland Ranch has been saved from the auction block. Michael’s palatial playground will apparently stay in his hands for the time being. A company has bought the loan, 23.5 Million, and now is negotiating with Jacko for terms of payment. Good luck with that. At this point his legal troubles have nearly bankrupted him and his reputation. He’ll have to put a rush on that new recording of his or it’ll get sold as an amusement park. You know, Graceland makes a lot of money. But, then again, Jackson isn’t Elvis. He was married to his daughter though. I wonder if that counts?

 

BEER PRICES RISE

OK, now I was annoyed with gas prices, then it was the rising cost of beef, we even have a rice shortage, but now they’re hitting me where I live. Beer prices are soaring. Due to the rise in transportation and a shortage of hops, It’s not like American beers use hops anyway, the cost of beer is going up. How am I suppossed to have a respectable tailgate party during football season? I’m on a low budget here and my gridiron Saturdays and Sundays are important to me, not to mention Monday Night. Maybe I’ll have to cut back on Bratwurst. No that’s just not right. I love my fermented malted beverages. This just sucks. I know what I’m doing with my tax rebate, stocking up on beer.