MCCAIN’S CENSORSHIP OR SECURITY, SAVED BY A CUP OF TEA, DECAPITATED MAN AND THE COP THIEF, AND MARRY YOUR DOGS

SECURITY OR CENSORSHIP AT MCCAIN RALLIES

Are the candidates taking security too far? The video below shows a 61-year-old librarian being harrassed and removed from a John McCain town hall meeting in Denver, Colorado. Now as I understand them, town hall meetings are where you meet the candidates and then ask your most probing questions of them to see if they are worthy of your vote. It is also suppossed to be a forum where you express your opinions to candidates to see if they are willing to do something about the issues that are most important to you. This video clearly shows the people in charge of the McCain camp and the meeting trying to stop some individuals who might have dissenting opinions of McCain from even attending the rally. They cite security as their reasoning for refusing the admittance. The police are then called and tickets are issued for trespassing at a public event! Is this Security or censorship? Are our politicians more interested in the orchestration of their gatherings than maybe having a rogue question catch them off guard? How are we to have a political process when the process is quelled. This video shows a disturbing trend with individuals who are obviously no danger to anything being ushered out of sight, out of mind and then to add insult to injury with fines and court appearances when they are performing a valid exercise of their political, not to mention constitutional rights. Last I looked, this was still the United States wasn’t it? Did I miss a meeting?

 A CUP OF TEA SAVED MY LIFE

What do you do when you’re confronted with a knife weilding thief? Why you make him a cup of tea of course. A 30-year-old Tokyo, Japan woman was walking along a corridor in her apartment building with her daughter on Monday when a man brandishing a knife demanded money. I hate it when that happens. When the housewife told him she had none, the man barged into her apartment. Apparently he didn’t believe her. Hoping to calm him, the woman made the thief a cup of tea, whereupon he put his knife away and began a 20-minute monologue about his life. The dude had a Dr. Phil moment. Or maybe it was a Jerry Springer moment, we don’t actually know what he said to her. The woman then gave the man 10,000 yen ($93.34) and ran outside to call the police from a pay phone. The guy should have been paying her for the couch time.  Police rushed to the scene, but the thief had fled and is still being sought. See, a spot of tea can save your life, quick thinking, a friendly ear, it’s all good.

COP SAYS DECAPITATED MAN GAVE PERMISSION TO STEAL HIS BELONGINGS

I can’t believe any one actually bought this load of bull. A  Caledon, Germany, police captain, Dawid Johann Jullies claiming that a decapitated car crash victim  had given him permission to take the floor mats and hub caps from the wrecked vehicle, was subsequently found innocent of theft by an internal police hearing when the investigators concluded that the decapitated victim did indeed give permission, contrary to the family’s claims that this was impossible. What? How stupid were these people? Subsequently, a court agreed with the family and found the officer guilty of theft, sentencing him to 3 years in prison, suspended for 5 years. So in other words, he got off with a “don’t do it again.” However, Julies became the police station commissioner the very next day, or ironically, the head of the police station, despite having been found guilty of theft by the court. There’s nothing like rewarding larceny. Yep let’s give him a promotion. Somtimes there’s just no justice.

MARRY YOUR DOGS, NO MORE “LIVING TOGETHER”

Do you have nore than one dog? Well, don’t let them live in sin anymore, get them a wedding and make their life legal. Yes, it’s a new trend, like Americans didn’t have anything else to spend their money on. The popularity of dog weddings is on the rise and Reverands are finding that a little pet wedding can add an extra boost to their coffers. For the 63% of Americans who own pets, there’s a growing sector of the $40 billion dollar pet industry waiting to sell them wedding-related services like pet marriage counseling, pet wedding planners, pet caterers, pet trainers, and even special pet priests who conduct actual certified pet weddings. As one reverend told the Chicago Tribune: “Marriage for an animal is almost like marriage for a human. An animal union is more like a blessing under God. Well, I am a reverend,” Scott said. He apparently didn’t want to give his full name. “If you’re in a family with two animals and they want to unite in a wedding, what difference does it make? It is not a sign of the Apocalypse. It is a sign that animals often seek to form a lasting bond and have deep commitment.” Keep telling yourself that Scott. Pet owners can make the wedding even more official by getting a real human marriage license and setting up a gift registry at PetSmart. You didn’t think big business wasn’t going to get in on this did you? Question: If the dogs are legally married and they have puppies, does selling them constitute puppy slavery? Does the married couple have recourse to get their children back? I bet there’s some lawyer out there willing to test this.

IT APPEARS SOMEONE FINALLY FOUND A USE FOR THAT ORDAINMENT LICENSE THEY GOT FROM THE BACK OF ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE FOR $20.

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MCCAIN OBAMA CONDOMS, ROYAL DEBT, UNICORN DEER, AND CLOUD MAKING MACHINE

GET YOUR POLITICALLY CORRECT? CONDOMS 

Feeling screwed by this election already and want some payback. Feel the need to become politically erect? The Practice Safe Policy website is selling both John McCain and Barack Obama condoms, from their sister sites, McCainCondoms.com and ObamaCondoms.com. I’m not sure this would help my sex life. The McCain site says these condoms are “old but not expired,” while the Obama site says “who says experience is necessary?” Both sites sell a package of two for $9.95, but shipping is an additional $3. PayPal is accepted, naturally.

For McCain: Give your “troops” the protection they deserve, buy McCain Condoms today! This will turn out to be the ultimate collectors item or a perfect gift for grandpa! Trophy wife approved. For the proud, liberal Republican, conservative Republican.

For Obama: These are uncertain times. The economy’s a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid… but now there’s Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in! For the elitist penis. They won’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth. When you just want to close the deal.

Yes, show your support for your candidate. The thing that bothers me is that politicians never live up to their promises. Does that mean these might leak like a White House tipster? I say never trust a politician…or one of their condoms. You might have a unexpected tax deduction on the way.

 

 PRINCE CHARLES PAYS 350 YEAR OLD DEBT

Don’t you hate it when the relatives leave unpaid bills.  That’s what happened in this case. A bill that has been hanging out since 1651was just paid by Prince Charles.  The debt was incurred in 1651 when King Charles II, at the time recognized only as the King of Scotland, was preparing for the Battle of Worcester. He asked the Clothiers Company in Worcester to prepare uniforms for his soldiers and pledged to pay afterward, but his forces were defeated and Charles fled to mainland Europe. Needless to say the bill was left out there unpaid. So, it seems Prince Charles didn’t appreciate his descendants fiscal irresponsibility and has taken care of his namesake’s debt. He did decline to pay the interest on it saying “I wasn’t born yesterday.” The Master of the Clothiers Company of Worcester, Andrew Grant, received the money from the prince in a 1650-style gaming purse made by the Royal Shakespeare Company. The two met at the Commandery, the royal headquarters during the battle. “We are very grateful to the Prince of Wales for repaying the debt to the Worcester Clothiers Company,” Grant said. Those Brits, they always have to have a little pomp with their circumstance. The must have been getting a bad score on Freecreditreport.com.

UNICORN DEER DISCOVERED IN ITALY

This is fantasy becoming reality,” Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, Italy, told The Associated Press. “The unicorn has always been a mythological animal.” Well, this one is a bit far from the mythological animal, but it is interesting just the same. The 1-year-old Roe Deer, nicknamed “Unicorn,” was born in captivity in the research center’s park in the Tuscan town of Prato, near Florence, Tozzi said. P.T. Barnum would have loved this one. He would have passed it off as, rare one of a kind, never before seen by human eyes. Yep, I can hear him now. But I digress, this way to the egress. This deer was one  half of a pair of twins born in the preserve. Tozzi believes this could be the origin of the unicorn myth. I’m not buying that, but it appears he had to come up with something to say. “This shows that even in past times, there could have been animals with this anomaly,” he said by telephone. “It’s not like they dreamed it up.” Trust me, I live in the land of “more deer than we know what to do with.” They come in all shapes and sizes. One with a unicorn horn wouldn’t surprise me much. I find it interesting, but origin of myths, I don’t think I’d stretch it to quite those limits. He’s a cute little bugger though.

 

CLOUD MAKING MACHINE

Remember when you were a kid looking up at the sky and you were trying to see what kinds of shapes you could see in the clouds. OK, I still do that. Well, now there is a machine that actually makes predetermined shapes. This may take some of the imagination out of it, but they are intriquing just the same. A former magician, Francisco Guerra, has come up with the concept that terms his clouds “Flogos.” They are made of soap and gases, such as helium, which allow them to fly off and retain their puffy texture. In other words, they are elaborate soap bubbles. “They will fly for miles,” said Mr Guerra. “They are durable so they last a while.” Depending on the weather and the formula used, the Flogos can last from a few minutes to more than an hour. They can fly up to 30 miles and go as high as four miles but normally the little clouds level out at about 500ft. I can see where people will be reporting a lot more UFOs in the future. “It looked like the head of Mickey Mouse.” His machines can pump out a Flogo at a rate of one every 15 seconds. That’s enough to blot out the sun. The clouds can be made in 2ft or 3ft sizes but a 6ft generator is in the pipeline. Current designs are only available in white but Mr Guerra plans to add color options from next year. Wow, clouds with color. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to take that.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

 

BILL CLINTON’S CONSPIRACY, CHEESE RACE, MACY’S PIRATE, AND HIRE A CAT

BILL CLINTON’S CONSPIRACY THEORY

Just because I’m paranoid doen’t mean there isn’t a conspiracy. Fox Mulder isn’t the only one seeing conspiracies. Former President Bill Clinton, campaigning for his wife in South Dakota, said Sunday that she was the victim of a conspiracy. He said some were trying to “cover up” Hillary Clinton’s chances of winning in key states that Democrats will have to win in the general election. “I can’t believe it. It is just frantic the way they are trying to push and pressure and bully all these superdelegates to come out,” Clinton said. ” ‘Oh, this is so terrible: The people they want her. Oh, this is so terrible: She is winning the general election, and he is not. Oh my goodness, we have to cover this up.’ She is winning the general election today and he is not, according to all the evidence,” Clinton said. “And I have never seen anything like it. I have never seen a candidate treated so disrespectfully just for running. Her only position was, ‘Look, if I lose I’ll be a good team player. We will all try to win, but let’s let everybody vote, and count every vote,’ ” Well, certainly he is correct about one thing. Let’s count all the votes. As a nation we definately learned how just a couple fo votes meant everything in Florida. We all remember “hanging chads.” The results of that election proves our election system needs to be looked at and overhauled. For a country that is suppossed to set examples for the democratic process, we haven’t been doing too well in the last few years. We the people have a right to have our say and the Clintons are correct in this. Is there a conspiracy? Anything is possible in politics and there seems to be an awful hard push to make sure Obama IS the democratic candidate. I’m certain the Republicans would like to see him instead of Hillary Clinton. All they have to do is point at his inexperience and McCain is the winner. Obama hasn’t even sat in his Senate chair long enough to get it warm.  There’s a reason they call him “Junior” Senator. The important thing here is fairness. As the Clintons ask, count ALL the votes. If Obama wins fair and square, fine, if Clinton wins fair and square, fine. The important thing is getting back to Democracy and everyone having their voice and vote. This country has had enough controversy over the elections of its leaders. Is there a conspiracy? Let’s hope not, because that means someone else is deciding for us, fixing our elections and taking away our right to vote for whom we want. That’s not democracy. 

CHEEZY CONTEST IN ENGLAND INJURES 19

This is probably the cheesiest thing you’ll read in this blog. I know I shouldn’t make those kinds of statements, but I suspect it’s true. OK, picture this. A really steep hill, a large collection of people with no common sense, and a race to catch a rolling, runaway, cheese wheel that rolls down the slope, then it rains. That’s what goes on annually at Cooper’s Hill In Gloucester, England. This year it was attended by more than 3,000 spectators and over 30 first aid volunteers. A 19-year-old, Christopher Anderson, won the first race but was carried from the hill on a spinal board after tumbling past the finish line head over heels, hurting his back in the process. Hmm. I wonder how that could have happened. “The conditions were horrific, you just have to get your head down and hope for the best,” said his friend, Shane Beard. “Chris went absolutely flying. He is completely fearless but I hope he hasn’t hurt himself.” Oh, and don’t worry, the women can get in on this too, proving that they can be just as dumb as the guys. A 17-year-old student, Flo Early, won the women’s race and got to keep the wheel of Double Gloucester cheese. She then declared: “Next year I want to take on the boys.” Believe it or not, this race has been going on longer than people can remember. It is believed that it originated with the Britons and Romans.  I think I know what it was. They gorged themselves on ale, lined up all of the village idiots and declared, “Chase the cheese.” And they did. And they still are.

NOW FOR A VILLAGE IDIOT MOMENT:

 

PIRATES BOARD MACY’S

Ar, this guy be no Jack Sparrow, he got caught. Listen up mateys, a man who was carrying a rusted pirate-style sword through Macy’s flagship store in Manhattan is facing charges of criminal possession of a weapon. It’s a sad day when a pirate can’t carry his sword. Police say 29-year-old Lawrence Jackson was brandishing the curved sword while visiting Macy’s Herald Square store Sunday with his girlfriend. Ar, trying to impress the wench he was. Parlay? He told police he was carrying the sword because he is a member of a kickball team whose players dressed like pirates. He swears by all that be holy he was on his way to a game when he was arrested. He sailed away with a fair wind. Sea turtles mate, Sea turtles.

 

FINANCIAL TROUBLES – HIRE A CAT?

Is your business in financial trouble, need help. Well, I suggest going and getting a cat. Yes, I said a cat. That’s what they’ve done in Japan and it has worked better than they could have hoped. Actually the whole thing has pretty much occurred by accident, they were only trying to give it a home. Tama, a nine-year-old female cat, wearing a stationmaster cap and a neck sign reading: ‘Super Stationmaster Tama’ welcomes passangers. This is all this kitty does, schmooze the customers. Of couse make sure you pick up your Tama kitty souveniers on the way out. The cat lives at the Kishi Station in western Japanese city of Kinokawa. I wonder where they keep the litter box? The near bankrupt Japanese train company Wakayama Electric Railway Co. found the cat in an abandoned building nearby and it has been single-handedly bringing the company back to solvency with it’s popularity. All Tama does is sit by the entrance of the station, wearing the black cap, posing for photos for tourists, now flocking in droves from across the nation. I can see how this would appeal to a cat. “She never complains, even though passengers touch her all over the place. She is an amazing cat. She has patience and charisma,” Wakayama Electric Railway Co. spokeswoman Yoshiko Yamaki said. “She is the perfect station master.” The cat recently got a raise. In cat food of course. I bet nobody ever came up with this one in one of those “Think out of the box” seminars.

ASTROLOGERS PREDICT ELECTION, FUTURE HOTEL, LOST PARROT, DREW CAREY’S PROMISE, AND FLYING PENIS

ASTROLOGERS PREDICT OBAMA WILL WIN

Well, we can all go home now. The astrologers have spoken, election’s over. At a conference in Denver, a group of astrologers did the charts for the presidential candidates. Six panelists predicted the election will go to Barack Obama, thanks to a Saturn-Jupiter conjunction which predicts change. That’s so precise. No matter who wins it means change. The seventh panelist, Shelley Ackerman, saw an Obama win, but worried about Neptune doing something funky in January, endangering his chances of actually taking office. Her colleagues agreed the stars did look dicey in this respect. Keep in mind this is Denver and the oxygen is a little thin there. “Obama’s chart and the United States’ chart are very much alike,” said Sandra Leigh Serio. “From an astrological standpoint, he’s a man of destiny. (John) McCain also has a strong connection to the U.S. chart.” Hillary Clinton? Not so much, apparently. “There’s a little more confusion with her and the U.S. chart,” Serio said. Confusion? I think the whole thing is confusing. The astrologers have left themselves a way out though. “We don’t have a single solid birth chart,” panelist Robert Hand told the crowd. “If those dates are wrong, everything I say is garbage.” And Serio said the panel was “doing this in the shadows of Mercury and Neptune — this might not have any validity at all in a few months.” I told you they had an excuse. Hand ominously noted there would be an eclipse of the sun in August, with Mercury ascending for George W. Bush. This seemed to portend election-day shenanigans. So, much for accuracy. Well, the planets are in line and the stars have spoken. Obama Wins. Now we can all stay home and call it quits.  I guess I’m not all that “star” struck with this. I’m voting anyway.

SHELLEY ACKERMAN – ASTROLOGER PANELIST

 

HOTEL CHAIN’S FUTURE PLANS…ON THE MOON

A budget hotel company has decided to look ahead, way ahead. They are making plans for expansion on the moon and have already purchased a plot. I haven’t found out where it is located or who they bought it from. Who does the moon actually belong to? Premier Inns says it will be welcoming travellers right off the space shuttle within 25 years. They feel that lunar tourism will be common in the next 20 to 30 years and they want to be prepared. ‘The challenges are unique and no doubt as we learn more we will adapt and improve our designs,’ said the company’s construction director, Alex Flach. Challenges are right, less gravity, no air, no McDonalds…yet. I think I still prefer the Carribean.

TEACH YOUR PARROT HOW TO GET HOME

A lost African Gray Parrot named Yosuke has been returned to his owners in Tokyo, Japan because of an unusual trick. The Nakamura family had spent nearly two years teaching the bird their, name and home address including the street number. Police had found the bird on a rooftop and had brought it to the police station, but the bird wasn’t about to spill to the cops. This bird knew his rights and remained silent. It was when Yosuke was turned over to a veterinarian that he began to sing. Actually hekept everybody at the vet’s entertained with his singing. But, in between tunes, he recited his owner’s name and address. They checked and sure enough Yosuke’s owners were there and grateful to get their parrot back. You see, it pays to educate your pets. Yosuke’s mug shot is below.

 

 

DREW CAREY’S PROMISE TO SOCCER FANS

Drew Carey has become part owner in the Seattle Sounders, a new Major League Soccer team. Even though he is a minor owner, it hasn’t stopped him from rattling a few trees right off the get go. Carey is promising season ticket holders that they can fire the team’s general manager once every four years if they don’t like how the team is doing. It’ll be interesting to see how this pans out. Fans with power over your job is a scary thing. Personally I think this would make it hard to get a good manager but I can also see the appeal from a fan perspective. Well, we’ll see how long this lasts. And we’ll see how long it is before the other owners dump Drew.
  

ATTACK OF THE FLYING PENIS

Those crazy Russians are at it again. At a political rally in Russia, a thus far unique kind of disruption occurred. Young Russian activists turned loose a modified radio controlled helicopter. It had become a flying penis. Yes folks it was a flying dick. It made It’s rather disrupting appearance during an address being given by Russian Premier Kasparov, who to his credit took it in stride as best he could. I suspect vodka was involved in the creation of this strange little device. One of Kasparov’s bodyguards risked life and limb and slapped the menacing penis to the floor and then stomped on it. There might be something Freudian in that. If there was a political message attached to this, it was too obscure for me to get it.

JOHN MCCAIN, DOGGY BEER, SPITTING DEATH, DONKEY JAILED, AND SPORK ART

 DOES JOHN MCCAIN BELONG IN AN OLD FOLKS HOME?

During election years we brook a lot of babbling. This year’s clueless award goes to John McCain. This guy is starting to make me think he has Alzheimer’s. Maybe he just stands out in the Arizona sun too long.  Yes he’s got experience and has been around the Washington scene for ages, but that just may be the problem. It’s beginning to appear as if he’s been there too long. Judging from this video, it’s a miracle he can function as a Senator, let alone run the country. Over the weekend Mike Huckabee announced that he’d like to be McCain’s running mate. I bet he would. Maybe he sees what I see, a doddering old man that can’t keep anything straight. Maybe he hopes McCain will overdose on viagra trying to keep up with his younger wife and then get the job by default. If this is the best the Republicans have to offer they need to hang it up altogether. At least Obama and Clinton are entertaining. McCain’s just senile. 

LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO TAPE:

 

DOGGY BEER

An australian compny has come up with a brew for your dog. Don’t taste test this for the dog, it’s beef flavored. Dog Beer, or DB, was designed by Sydney pet supplies store owner Elise Schumacher.  “I have drunk it. It tastes like beef and smells like beer.” OK, it’s not something that I’m putting high on my list. Though, it can’t be worse than Bud Light. She claims to have sold hundreds of them and it is a booming product in her pet store claiming real beer isn’t good for dogs. Her version has no alcohol so you won’t be able to get your dog drunk. That’s no fun. Half the fun of letting him drink beer is to watch him wobble.

MAN SPITS TO HIS DEATH

And the nominee is: After returning to their hotel from visiting the disco district of the Swiss town of Cadempino, a 29-year old man and his friend decided to have a spitting contest. They wanted to see who could spit the farthest from their balcony. The 29-year old came to the hair-brained conclusion he needed to get a running start to get some extra distance. He didn’t stop in time and plunged off the balcony to the street below. He wins! His dying at the hopital officially qualifies him for the coveted Darwin Award. None of the names have been released probably due to embarrassment.

 DONKEY THROWN IN SLAM FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY

In Tuxtla Gutierrez, Mexico, a donkey has been thrown in jail for assault! The ass ended up in the drunk tank after it bit and kicked two people. Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men’s medical bills. “Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed,” Gomez said, “no matter who they are.” Actually I think a donkey is more of a what than a who. The owner, Mauro Gutierrez said he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men’s bills, estimated at $420. The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle. What I want to know is what did they do to make it so angry, feed it tequila. It would explain the drunk tank.”All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid,” Hernandez said. Yep, sounds like tequila. Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro. Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before, including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March. I bet they had a tough time getting that one in a cell. In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. It appears the local cops spend more time chasing livestock than they do real offenders. At least it cures the hot meals problem.

ART FROM PLASTIC CUTLERY

I have to admit, I’ve never looked at a spork and thought, could I turn this into a bug. Now I do admit I’ve looked for bugs where I picked up the spork. 70-year-old Peter Rush makes bug art out of plastic cutlery.  The overhead is cheap, he grabs a handful everytime he goes to McDonalds’s and then heats them up, shapes them into what he wants and then paints them. Voila, bug art. “It started a few years ago, when I turned up to do a workshop with children on endangered species,” he said, “I had forgotten my materials but noticed the plastic spoon in my tea was bending. I made a stag beetle from it and it proved a great success so, after that, I started making other insects.” Rush is from Dorset, England and he has quite a collection of his homemade, plastic creepy crawlers. Certainly art is in the eye of the beholder. Spork art, go figure.