FLORIDA VAMPIRE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, LEPRECHAUN ROBS BANK, and LEANING PUB OF BEER

Vampire Runs for President….as a Republican

Right now I’m laughing pretty hard. There just seems somthing so appropriate about a Vampire in politics. Maybe it’s all of the “sucking the country dry” jokes I’m currently thinking of. Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey wants to move to Washington, D.C., to become the nation’s first vampire president. Well, with that nickname, it ought to make for some interesting foreign policy. Sharkey, 45, spent Friday on a Greyhound bus with his new fiancee, Audrianna Foster, a 19-year-old girl from Ohio he met online. She too believes she is a vampire, or vampyre. Well, he should fit right in, he already has the arm candy wife. “The Impaler” claims he’s a direct descendent of Vlad II the Impaler, better known as Dracula. And people holler about Obama’s lineage, good luck finding the birth certificate on this one. He has scheduled a Monday press conference in Tampa to announce his plans to file paperwork to run for President of the United States in 2012. He recently switched his party affiliation from Independent to Republican so he can run with the G.O.P. He should fit right in with those bloodsuckers. He ran for Governor of Minnesota in 2006 and also had short-lived bids for U.S. Senate in 2000, U.S. President in 2004, and U.S. President in 2008. Hey maybe third time’s the charm. Anyway, let’s check out Sharkey’s record shall we? He’s accused of “brainwashing a 16-year-old in Minnesota. That should prepare him for politics. The two were engaged until last month. Her family now has a restraining order against Sharkey and claims his texts to her violate it. He reportedly admitted to harrassing another 16-year-old Minnesota girl online in 2009. I think I’m noticing a pattern here. Dude wake up, they’re not old enough to vote. He was arrested in Tennessee several years ago and is currently on probation from Indiana after he was found guilty in 2009 of intimidating a judge. I like that one. He’ll fit right in in Washington. He served six months in a Marion Co. jail before his release. Sources confirm the Secret Service has had to keep him on its radar, since he moves around the country. Well, they might as well get used to it. If he wins they’ll have to protect him…from Vampire Hunters. Is Buffy still 16?

Leprechaun Bank Robber in Nashville

It appears this Leprechaun had lost his pot of gold and wanted to replace it with bank notes. A man dressed in green and carrying a large-caliber gun held up a branch of the First State Bank in the Nashville, Tennessee,  suburb of Gallatin on St. Patrick’s Day, said police spokesman Sergeant Bill Storment. The costumed man, wearing a green top hat, vest and shorts and a fake brown beard and wig, had previously gone into the Fifth Third Bank next door, according to its manager Sharon Riehemann, when the bank lobby was crowded with lunchtime customers. “He started to come in, then looked at his watch, then turned around and left,” she said. Apparently there wasn’t enough gold in that one. “He then walked toward the other bank, and a couple of minutes later he ran out of the bank with a blue bag in his hands,” Riehemann said. Police said two men were in the car that sped away, and that they fired at police during the chase, disabling one police car. Storment said the two ditched their vehicle and ran into a field near a subdivision. “They were killed while exchanging fire with officers,” he said. Isn’t it bad luck to shoot a Leprechaun. He apparently had run out of lucky charms as well. No officers were injured, and money was recovered from the suspects’ vehicle, he said. The robbers should have stuck with green beer.

The Crooked House Pub

 Here’s a drunkard’s dream if I ever did see one.  The appropriately named Crooked House has been labelled Britain’s drunkest inn, and for good reasons. Glasses regularly slide across tables at the Georgian pub and coins appear to roll up, rather than down, the bar. This would be so much fun. The tavern, which was built as a farmhouse in 1785, got its design fault through settling of the ground caused by mining during the 1800s. It means that one end of the Crooked House is 1.2m (4ft) lower than the other. So, if it feels like you’re walking uphill to get a brew, you are. The alehouse in the Staffordshire village of Himley has become a big tourist draw. “I look after 1,800 pubs for Marston’s and this is definitely the one that leans the most,” said Sonny Mann, property surveyor for the brewery. I wonder how much sampling of the local wares he does? “The pub’s quite safe though and hasn’t moved for ages. We use special ‘glass tails’ over cracks on the walls – if the glass breaks then we know it’s moving again.” It’s either that or another drunk has fallen off his stool, rolled downhill and collected in the corner. “Hey bartender, set me up again, would you?” I’m thinking, drinking here would be a perceptual challenge. After a few pints, aiming for the door might be a project.

QUEEN VICTORIA’S UNDERWEAR, WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS, and A ROBBER WANTS A DATE

RETURN OF THE QUEEN’S PANTIES

Let me get this straight, they paid how much for a pair of Queen Victoria’s panties? Ok, I can see where an argument can be made that these are historical artifacts. But, come on, we’re talking about the Queen’s bloomers here, and they’re over 100 yeards old. Have they ever been washed? The underwear, which has a 56-inch (142-centimeter) waist, has been added to Britain’s Royal Ceremonial Dress Collection at Kensington Palace. With that size you could darn near pitch a tent with them. It has a matching chemise, is embroidered with a “VR” and is believed to date from the 1890s. Queen Victoria had a 20-inch (51-centimeter) waist as a young woman. But curator Alexandra Kim said Tuesday “over the years, particularly having given birth to nine children, that changed entirely.” Not only did she gain major poundage, she got cracked pretty hard with the ugly stick. The collection purchased the bloomers for 600 pounds ($993) earlier this summer. Kim said it’s likely the item had been handed down to a servant after the monarch’s death. Again, I have to ask, why would you want to save the Queen’s underwear? If the servant was looking for momentos, I have to think this one is a little weird. Wow, a thousand dollars for Queen Victoria’s panties. Amazing.

 

I HAD MY WEDDING AT MY SON’S FUNERAL

Some people think that in some cases a wedding can be kind of a funeral, but our next case is ridiculous. The parents of a 7-year-old boy who died after an upstate New York car crash have fulfilled his wish that they get married, and they did it at the child’s funeral. I’m guessing that wasn’t exactly what he meant when he wanted them to get married. I’m thinking Vegas.  Amilcar Hill and Rahwa Ghirmatizion (ger-MAT’-ee-zahn) got married during Monday’s funeral service in Buffalo for their son, Asa Hill. Asa died a day after his grandfather’s car was involved a chain-reaction highway crash last week. Hundreds of people packed the church for Asa’s funeral. The couple surprised attendees by getting married, which the parents say their son had been asking them to do. I bet they were surprised alright. Certainly makes for a full day for the preacher. The honeymoon had to be weird.

ROBBER NEEDS A DATE

What do you do when you rob someone’s house? Why, return later and ask the cute chick you just ripped-off out for a date. Seriously. Police say 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett of Columbus, Ohio was among three men who robbed a couple late Sunday. There’s a key word here, “couple.” Where on any level did he think this was going to work. Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird says the woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out. She had a relative call 911. Police say Bennett was arrested in front of the home. It’s those first impressions, they’ll get you every time.

PRE-SCHOOLER SHOOTS BEAVERS, 2009 YEAR OF… And MALDEN MUD RACE

4 YEAR-OLD HUNTS BEAVERS

Who says babysitting isn’t dangerous. Just ask the Beavers of Jackson, Ohio, Nathan Beavers that is. Nathan was babysitting with some friends when he accidentally stepped on the foot of a four-year-old. The rug rat got so mad that he went into a closet in the bedroom and pulled out a shotgun.  He then proceeded to shoot Nathan with it. I bet this won’t sit well on his resume.  “Done some babysitting in the past but was shot by pre-schooler.” Beavers was hospitalized with minor pellet wounds to his arm and side. Let this be a lesson, next time you volunteer to babysit, make sure you know where the weapons are.

2009, ALL THIS AND MORE

Let me see, why am I humming the words to Aquarius? “Peace will guide the planets and love will rule the stars ” Oh yea, 2009 has been officially designated the International Year of Astronomy, the International Year of Reconciliation… and the International Year of Natural Fibres. So this means we’ll have peace while watching the planets orbit, but we don’t want people getting naked like they did in the sixties so lets make sure we have clothes in there and oh, by the way, we’ll call it “natural fibres” so it’s sounds more politically correct and environmentally sound. Who comes up with this crap. I bet somebody got paid to legislate this.

BRITISH MUD RACE

Apparently mud slinging in Parliament wasn’t enough for these Brits. They decided to start their year out right by going for a wallow in an Essex mudhole. Officially dubbed the “Annual Malden Mud Race,” this bit of winter insanity entails getting dressed up in strange costumes and then trying to race from one side of the mudhole to the other. I expect large quantities of alcohol are mandatory for this. Some 250 people braved sub-zero temperatures to scramble through 365m (1,200ft) of stinking mud. Stink is an understatement. “I work just around the corner from it, it stinks because of the bilge dropped out by ships basically sits on top of the mud (and I guess mixes) when the tide goes out,”  says Dave B, Chelmsford, of Essex. Lovely, makes you want to meet up these these guys at the pub afterwards. “That was hard. It was freezing out there. The mud got deep and I just had to crawl,” said 23-year-old Vicki Sharman, the first woman to cross the finish line. The race, dubbed “the best hangover cure known,” has been a firm fixture on the River Blackwater in Essex since the 1970s, raising thousands of pounds for charity. That’s one batch of cash that probably needs laundering afterwards. This years event was attended by 10,000 smarter people as they were only spectators.

MARTHA STEWART FAIL, CHOPPER UFO CHASE, WOODEN ELECTRIC CAR, WEIRDO IN THE COUCH, ROBOT GIRLFRIENDS, TRONS, AND STAR WARS DANCERS

 MARTHA STEWART BANNED, DENIED, NO GO TO BRITAIN

Ah the old ghost comes back to haunt. The Queen of whatever it is she does, Martha Stewart, has seen the old ghost of her past rise before her eyes once again. The woman who had no life and made a carreer out of it is visiting Poland where they are launching a version of her “Martha Stewart Living” magazine in Polish. She thought she’d stop by the British Isles on her way home. Wrong, fail, not going to happen. Apparently, the British powers that be don’t appreciate her prison record and have denied her a visa  to enter the country. I guess she won’t be showing the queen how to make paper flowers this time around.  “Martha loves England; the country and English culture are near and dear to her heart,” said Charles Koppelman, chairman of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. “She has engagements with English companies and business leaders and hopes this can be resolved so that she will be able to visit soon.” I guess they will just have to come to her back in the good old U.S. of A. A British spokeswoman, however, refused to comment about Stewart’s entry to Britain, but added: “We continue to oppose the entry to the U.K. of individuals where we believe their presence in the United Kingdom is not conducive to the public good or where they have been found guilty of serious criminal offenses abroad.” Ouch. That’s going to leave a mark. Now for those of you that have been living under the proverbial rock here’s a recap. In 2004, Stewart was convicted in federal court of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and making false statements related to a personal sale of ImClone Systems Inc. stock. She got a five-month prison sentence, and also served an additional five months and three weeks of home confinement. Well, Martha, I guess it sucks for you. Welcome back to the real world where we all live with our mistakes. No crumpets for you.

 

HELICOPTER PURSUES UFO

In England a police helicopter spotted a flying saucer and decided to give chase. If UFOs can outrun a jet, did the police really think they had a chance in a chopper? The mystery aircraft zoomed straight at the chopper as the three-man cop crew prepared to land. Tag, you’re it. The pilot was forced to bank sharply to avoid being hit by the mystery aircraft as the helicopter was returning to the Ministry of Defence base of St Athan, near Cardiff. Maybe it was another of those infamous secret experimental military aircraft. The three crew described the UFO as ‘flying saucer-shaped’. They gave chase, getting as far as the North Devon coast before they ran low on fuel. “They are convinced it was a UFO. It sounds far-fetched, but they know what they saw.” Said an unnamed source. Why do these people always refuse to give their name? I don’t know how far-fetched it sounds these days. These things are appearing almost daily. I wish one would land and say “Hi,” but then sombody would probably shoot at it.

WOODEN ELECTRIC CAR UNVEILED

What would Henry Ford think if he saw this? A driver takes a prototype wooden electric car for a spin after it was unveiled in Kyoto, Japan. The buggy, which has bamboo-weave doors, has a range of six miles and can hit 30mph. It kind of reminds me of a golf cart. It would be great for putting around town.

WEIRDO HIDES IN COUCH

It is amazing to what extent some people will go through to be weird. Police say a New York man cut a hole in a woman’s couch and hid in the carved-out space until she came home.  Newburgh police said the woman sat on the couch Wednesday evening and felt a bump in the cushions move.  That would be really creepy. She jumped up and David Joe Limones emerged from his hiding place, knocking a cell phone out of her hand. Surprise. A jack-in-box in the couch. The woman was on the phone with a friend when she entered her apartment because she had filed an earlier complaint against Limones and was worried he might be there. She was obviously much smarter than he was. Police said she had asked the friend to stay on the line and call police if something went wrong. When officers arrived, they found Limones and the 22-year-old woman arguing on the apartment’s balcony. Hopefully they can put this cat away, but somehow I suspect this will only be temporary fix for this guy.

SEGA ROBOT GIRLFRIEND

Feeling lonely, can’t get a girl, tired of coming home to the hamster. Well Sega has come up with an idea to help you out. It’s a pixie-size robotic girlfriend with a big chest who will kiss on command. Android love baby. The petite lady, known as “EMA” (an acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization), runs on batteries and will hit stores in September with a price of about $175. It’s a lot cheaper than a real girlfriend. “Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that’s sweet and interactive,” Sega spokesperson Minako Sakanoue said. “She’s very lovable and though she’s not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend.” Well let’s not carry it too far. She’s only 15 inches high. It’s more like a pucker up Barbie, except she looks like the Joan Rivers android in Spaceballs. When EMA’s sensors detect a nearby human head, she puckers up for a kiss, designers call this her “love mode.” How wonderfully…weird. Well, if nothing else, she suppossedly does a song and dance too. Really, I’m not kidding. EMA should be available by Christmas, batteries not included.

TRONS – ROBOT BAND: I guess we don’t need musicians any more.

 
STAR WARS DANCE-A-THON
 

ROSIE SWALE POPE GLOBAL RUN, ENGAGEMENT INDIGESTION, STOLEN CAR PAROLE REPORT, TERMINATOR PROTOTYPE, AND THE GREAT OFFICE WAR

ROSIE SWALE POPE HAS NEARLY RUN AROUND THE WORLD! 

Are you ready for an adventure. It’s gratifying to know that there are those out there that can still find it in this modern world. Most of this article was taken directly from the London Times article. I didn’t feel I could improve on it. Enjoy: After making her way alone across some of the world’s most inhospitable terrain, suffering frostbite, double pneumonia and a breast cancer scare, Rosie Swale-Pope, 61, is now believed to be on the verge of becoming the first person both to sail and run around the world. She confirmed last night that she had checked with Guinness World Records, which had said it had no record of anyone having achieved the double feat. As Rosie Swale, she achieved fame in the 1970s as a round-the-world yachtswoman, causing a stir by sailing through the Tropics in the nude. On her latest venture she was nearly swept to her death in a river in Siberia, and almost froze at minus 62C (-79F) in Alaska. On one night she was confronted by a man wielding an axe; on another she was taught by two convicted murderers how to light fires in the rain. But after wearing out 45 pairs of shoes in more than 240 weeks of running, Ms Swale-Pope was delighted to be home. “It’s fantastic to be back on British soil,” she said, adding that she hopes to be back in Tenby, West Wales, on August 25, 1,789 days after she set out in October 2003. “The most important priority now is to run the last 700 or 800 miles, and then to keep honour with this journey by writing a book.” Her latest adventure began on her 57th birthday after the death of her husband from prostate cancer, in an attempt to raise awareness of the disease. After running across Europe, spending two winters in Siberia and crossing the United States, Canada, Greenland and Iceland, she caught a ferry to Scrabster in Scotland that arrived at 5am yesterday. Ms Swale-Pope, who has two children and two grandchildren, carries all her possessions, either in a backpack or a cart, which she pulls by a harness around her waist. Her many marriage proposals were probably from men who fancied the cart, not me, she joked. “I think most of them were simply because I looked strong and handy for hauling logs and things. I had nine in Poland alone.” In the US, where she found a lump in her breast but a biopsy gave her a clean bill of health, her trek caught the public imagination and she received an invitation to speak on The Martha Stewart Show. But her most memorable experiences included seeing the Northern Lights after several days of snow blindness, and being run at by an axe-man one night in Siberia. She recalled: “Suddenly there was a crashing noise and a wild-eyed man burst through the trees running towards me. I decided to stand my ground and before I could do anything he had grabbed me by the shoulder and I was enveloped in a vodka-smelling bear hug. It turned out that he was a woodsman and he was having a vodka party. He turned out to be quite OK, just a little worse for wear.” In Russia, where the Siberian cold cracked all her fillings, she discovered that she had double pneumonia when she was taken to hospital after being hit by a bus. In eastern Siberia a pack of wolves followed her for a week. “I just behaved as if I was the boss. In the end I was grateful for their company.” Despite her arduous journey, Ms Swale-Pope said that she needed no time off and would head for Wales without delay. “The purpose of my journey has been to highlight the preciousness of life,” she said. “I had to do something and this was a small thing really… just putting one foot in front of the other.”

This was a feat I felt that deserved recognition. This is amazing at any age. Congratulations Rosie. Learn more about Rosie at: www.rosiearoundtheworld.co.uk

 

FIANCEE SWALLOWS ENGAGEMENT RING

OK, here’s another bad idea from the chapter on “what I shouldn’t do when I propose.” Chen Lee proposed to his fiancee with a ring hidden in a cake. He thought it would be romantic, original, clever. Not. But Wang Lu, 26, stole a nibble when he wasn’t looking and ate the ring. Oops, fortunately diamonds, don’t digest. “She was quite angry at first and said I was stupid,” said Chen, of Fujian province in China. “But once the doctors had taken the ring out she forgave me and said she would marry me.” Nothing like a little emergency room treatment to up the romance level. Alls well that doesn’t have to be digested. 

MAN REPORTS TO PAROLE OFFICER IN STOLEN CAR

Picture this, you’re out on parole and you have to report to your parole officer. How do you get there? Walk? take a bus? How about a stolen car? Well, that’s what Marcus George of Pine Bluff, Arkansas did. He was released on parole last week on, yep, you guessed it, burglary and theft convictions. George and a friend went to a Pine Bluff dealership, where they took a Toyota on a test drive and didn’t return it. i wonder how long the salesman stood there before he realized he’d been duped? The pair also reportedly stole a Dodge Charger from a dealership in Sherwood, which incidentally was the car George was driving when he showed up to meet with his parole officer in Pine Bluff. At least he had good taste in cars. A charger, cool. George was immediately arrested at the parole office. Not so cool. Oh well, it’s better to keep people that stupid off the streets anyway.

PROTOTYPE FOR A TERMINATOR?

You almost have to wonder, which comes first the chicken or the egg. Particularly in this case. Does science fiction spawn the ideas that become science fact or would we have gotten there anyway and the fiction writer was able to envision the future. It’s an interesting premise, but right now a company called IRobot, famous for having created the household robot sweeper has teamed up with a company called Metal Storm, known for their creation of the million rounds per minute gun, to create a robot that will go in ahead of soldiers and robotically clean out the enemy.  The as yet unnamed war bot is being marketed for “border patrol” and “crowd control” scenarios, although other military situations are also under consideration. Using these things for crowd control is a frightening application. “We want our soldiers to have the option of controlling a robot that could go ahead and investigate, engage or deter an enemy and not put human soldiers at risk,” said a spokesman for Metal Storm who wished to remain anonymous. The Metal Storm/iRobot robot can be equipped with a variety of weapons, from non-lethal rubber bullets to grenade launchers. As many as 12 different Metal Storm weapons can be put onto the iRobot platform at the same time, said a Metal Storm spokesman. Does it say “I’ll be back?” or “Hasta la viesta, baby?” This new war bot will likely soon join the existing ranks of military robots deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The U.S. military has used various war bots, from both iRobot and its competitor Foster-Miller, for years, primarily to diffuse bombs and other unexploded ordinances. Next thing you know we’ll be hearing about a new computer system called Skynet. Why am I getting a shiver up my spine?

To see this creation click this link: http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/06/19/terminator-zoom.html

THE GREAT OFFICE WAR

TEACHER STRIPS FOR CLASS, ARMPIT SNIFFER CAPTURE, AIRLINE BOMB HOAX, THE GAS MEN, AND 1780 SHIPWRECK DISCOVERY

TEACHER STRIPS FOR HIS SCHOOL CLASS

This is a story not for the faint of heart. A teacher in Suffolk, England decided on a rather unorthadox way of getting his class of 13 and 14 year olds to stop being unruly. He decided to threaten them with a striptease. A pupil at the school said: “Kids were playing up in class and his way of dealing with it was to tell everyone to be quiet or he would take his shirt off and show his man boobs. He was quite overweight and it was a sight that nobody really wanted to see. Everyone thought he was joking and people carried on messing around, but then he really did take his shirt off. It was quite shocking but pupils thought it was hilarious.” Another added: “It was hilarious. People were goading him saying ‘I bet you haven’t got muscles’. He told us all ‘I’ll show you’ and started taking off his shirt. We all thought he was pretending but he took his shirt off and started flexing his muscles. Then he said: ‘Look, I told you.’ He put his shirt back on but he was still buttoning it up when he was teaching. Everyone was killing themselves laughing.” Well this sad tale doesn’t stop here. Oh, no. One of the students recorded it all on his cellphone and then uploaded it to YouTube. Yes, folks there’s a video for all of this. It has since been removed from YouTube probably due to the public embarrassment it’s caused. Will Theobald, 17, who posted the clip on YouTube, said: “About a quarter of the students had the clip on their phone. Everyone called him Gimli after the character in Lord of the Rings. I don’t know what he was thinking. You can’t do stuff like that and get away with it.” Apparently not in this day and age. The teacher has remained unnamed and he has not been allowed to teach at any of the British schools since. At this point, I’d be suprised if he even pokes his head out his own door. Below are some photos of the incident. This requires a bit of a strong stomach. Most of these pictures would fall under most community’s blight laws. But, here on the internet, I live for this kind of absurdity.

MAN GETS HARD TIME FOR ARMPIT SNIFFING

Never ever do anything wrong in Singapore. These people have no sense of humor for it whatsoever. A man would lurk about waiting in landings and staircases for the opportunity to sniff the armpits of women. Where does that get fun? Police were finally able to catch the bugger and he has been sentenced to 14 years and 18 lashes with a cane. Holy harsh sentences Batman. The judge believed he was mentally deranged and would repeat his offenses.  Not after that kind of punishment.

LATE AIRLINE PASSENGER CALLS IN BOMB HOAX

Never try this. It doesn’t work. A journalist from Germany was late for his plane taking off. He was covering the European football championship and called from his mobile phone to annonymously say there was a bomb on the flight from the Italian city of Verona to Vienna. Bad Idea, really bad idea. He then showed up late for the Air Dolomiti flight and said he had heard the flight was no longer preparing for take off. Open mouth insert foot. Since this hadn’t been  made public, he became the prime suspect. A check of his mobile phone confirmed police suspicions and he was arrested. He did succeed in delaying the plane though.  He wasn’t aboard when it took off.

 WHO ARE THE GAS MEN?

Like heroes out of nowhere they show up. No one knows who they are but they are handing out $100 bills at gas pumps. The unknown duo were dressed in sunglasses, baseball caps, khakis and matching green golf shirts when they gave Gayle Kilburn a $100 bill on Thursday as she filled up her car at a Citgo in Plainville, Connecticutt. Well, they aren’t wearing capes and tights…yet. They also handed her a card that read “Re-Fueling Our Community” and was signed “The Gas Men.” Mysterious and strange, and I wish they’d find me. Five or six other people have also beem paid a visit by The Gas Men. You gotta love superheroes, especially when they have cash.

REVOLUTIONARY WAR SHIPWRECK FOUND – INTACT!

For those of you that don’t live on the Great Lakes, here is a quick piece of perspective. When there is a storm on the lakes, they can produce hurricane force winds, no joke. I live on Lake Superior, I know. That’s what makes this discovery so amazing. A pair of shipwreck hunters have found a lost British schooner, HMS Ontario, from the 1780’s completely intact. The masts of this British warship are still standing tall, some of the windows are still in it, cannons are still in place. The ship was lost in a gale on Lake Ontario and two explorers, Jim Kennard and Dan Scoville, who have been hunting for it for years have finally seen the fruits of their labors. More importantly this has got to be the best preserved wreck in the Great Lakes and it solves one of the biggest mysteries of the lakes. It is an amazing find by any standards. To learn more about this, go here: http://www.shipwreckworld.com/story/shipwreck-explorers-discover-1780-british-warship-in-lake-ontario.aspx There are some amazing pictures along with the history and the complete story of the discovery. It is well worth the read.

MCCAIN OBAMA CONDOMS, ROYAL DEBT, UNICORN DEER, AND CLOUD MAKING MACHINE

GET YOUR POLITICALLY CORRECT? CONDOMS 

Feeling screwed by this election already and want some payback. Feel the need to become politically erect? The Practice Safe Policy website is selling both John McCain and Barack Obama condoms, from their sister sites, McCainCondoms.com and ObamaCondoms.com. I’m not sure this would help my sex life. The McCain site says these condoms are “old but not expired,” while the Obama site says “who says experience is necessary?” Both sites sell a package of two for $9.95, but shipping is an additional $3. PayPal is accepted, naturally.

For McCain: Give your “troops” the protection they deserve, buy McCain Condoms today! This will turn out to be the ultimate collectors item or a perfect gift for grandpa! Trophy wife approved. For the proud, liberal Republican, conservative Republican.

For Obama: These are uncertain times. The economy’s a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid… but now there’s Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in! For the elitist penis. They won’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth. When you just want to close the deal.

Yes, show your support for your candidate. The thing that bothers me is that politicians never live up to their promises. Does that mean these might leak like a White House tipster? I say never trust a politician…or one of their condoms. You might have a unexpected tax deduction on the way.

 

 PRINCE CHARLES PAYS 350 YEAR OLD DEBT

Don’t you hate it when the relatives leave unpaid bills.  That’s what happened in this case. A bill that has been hanging out since 1651was just paid by Prince Charles.  The debt was incurred in 1651 when King Charles II, at the time recognized only as the King of Scotland, was preparing for the Battle of Worcester. He asked the Clothiers Company in Worcester to prepare uniforms for his soldiers and pledged to pay afterward, but his forces were defeated and Charles fled to mainland Europe. Needless to say the bill was left out there unpaid. So, it seems Prince Charles didn’t appreciate his descendants fiscal irresponsibility and has taken care of his namesake’s debt. He did decline to pay the interest on it saying “I wasn’t born yesterday.” The Master of the Clothiers Company of Worcester, Andrew Grant, received the money from the prince in a 1650-style gaming purse made by the Royal Shakespeare Company. The two met at the Commandery, the royal headquarters during the battle. “We are very grateful to the Prince of Wales for repaying the debt to the Worcester Clothiers Company,” Grant said. Those Brits, they always have to have a little pomp with their circumstance. The must have been getting a bad score on Freecreditreport.com.

UNICORN DEER DISCOVERED IN ITALY

This is fantasy becoming reality,” Gilberto Tozzi, director of the Center of Natural Sciences in Prato, Italy, told The Associated Press. “The unicorn has always been a mythological animal.” Well, this one is a bit far from the mythological animal, but it is interesting just the same. The 1-year-old Roe Deer, nicknamed “Unicorn,” was born in captivity in the research center’s park in the Tuscan town of Prato, near Florence, Tozzi said. P.T. Barnum would have loved this one. He would have passed it off as, rare one of a kind, never before seen by human eyes. Yep, I can hear him now. But I digress, this way to the egress. This deer was one  half of a pair of twins born in the preserve. Tozzi believes this could be the origin of the unicorn myth. I’m not buying that, but it appears he had to come up with something to say. “This shows that even in past times, there could have been animals with this anomaly,” he said by telephone. “It’s not like they dreamed it up.” Trust me, I live in the land of “more deer than we know what to do with.” They come in all shapes and sizes. One with a unicorn horn wouldn’t surprise me much. I find it interesting, but origin of myths, I don’t think I’d stretch it to quite those limits. He’s a cute little bugger though.

 

CLOUD MAKING MACHINE

Remember when you were a kid looking up at the sky and you were trying to see what kinds of shapes you could see in the clouds. OK, I still do that. Well, now there is a machine that actually makes predetermined shapes. This may take some of the imagination out of it, but they are intriquing just the same. A former magician, Francisco Guerra, has come up with the concept that terms his clouds “Flogos.” They are made of soap and gases, such as helium, which allow them to fly off and retain their puffy texture. In other words, they are elaborate soap bubbles. “They will fly for miles,” said Mr Guerra. “They are durable so they last a while.” Depending on the weather and the formula used, the Flogos can last from a few minutes to more than an hour. They can fly up to 30 miles and go as high as four miles but normally the little clouds level out at about 500ft. I can see where people will be reporting a lot more UFOs in the future. “It looked like the head of Mickey Mouse.” His machines can pump out a Flogo at a rate of one every 15 seconds. That’s enough to blot out the sun. The clouds can be made in 2ft or 3ft sizes but a 6ft generator is in the pipeline. Current designs are only available in white but Mr Guerra plans to add color options from next year. Wow, clouds with color. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to take that.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

 

AIR FORCE ERRORS, GATOR GOLF WATER HAZARD, BIGFOOT REWARD, AND BIG BOOBS – WORLD RECORD

AIR FORCE OFFICIALS RESIGN OVER STUPID MISTAKES

Defense officials who spoke on condition of anonymity said that Defense Secretary Robert Gates asked Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Michael Moseley and Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne to step down. And for good reasons. We’re talking some real screw-ups here. In August, for instance, a B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear-tipped cruise missiles and flown across the country. The pilot and crew were unaware they had nuclear arms aboard. The error was considered so grave that President Bush was quickly informed, who was probably off doddering in a corner reading a Dick and Jane book. Next, four cone-shaped electrical fuses used in intercontinental ballistic missile warheads were shipped to the Taiwanese instead of the helicopter batteries they had ordered. Oops, guess that was wrong. Whatever happened to competence in the armed forces? The fuses originated at F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but the mix-up apparently occurred after the parts were shipped to Hill Air Force Base in Utah. On top of this we get a payola scandal. The Pentagon inspector general found in April that a $50 million contract to promote the Thunderbirds aerial stunt team was tainted by improper influence and preferential treatment. No criminal conduct was found. Of course not, can’t have that kind of scandal now can we? Moseley was not singled out for blame, but the investigation laid out a trail of communications from him and other Air Force leaders that eventually influenced the 2005 contract award. Included in that were friendly e-mails between Moseley and an executive in the company that won the bid. Gee sounds pretty fishy to me. Oh well, all’s well now right? Excuse me if I’m sceptical.

 

ALLIGATOR IN THE WATER HAZARD

In Glen Burnie, Maryland, I didn’t know they had gators in MD, an animal control officer has rid a local golf course of a menace. One of the local golfer’s reported seing a two-foot long creature swimming in one of the course’s ponds. Officer Glenn Johnson got out his fishing pole and decided to see if he could snag it and reel it in. Traps had been set but they had no  luck. Johnson did. Thanks to him the Arundel Golf Park is now free of real hazards in their hazards.

 

REWARD OFFERED FOR BIGFOOT

Wanted, $1million reward for indisputable evidence of Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman, any of his alias. Yes, there is now a bounty on the head of Bigfoot. In a joint effort, Field and Stream Magazine and Bushnell the binocular maker have put up the reward, offer good until December 15th, void where prohibited by law. This is not a joke, they really have made the offer. The also have stipulated that they are not responsible for any injuries incurred in this endeavor. They have to cover their bases. They will pay the million to anyone who can “provide an unaltered photograph/video, verified and substantiated by a panel of scientific experts, including a zoologist and biologist, the evidence required to prove a Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti exists.” Driver’s, start your engines. Maybe a good place to start would be HERE!

WORLD’S BIGGEST BREASTS – GUINESS SAYS SO

Or maybe you’ll say so after few Guiness’ but it’s true Miss Mounds is the winner. The Guiness Book of World Records recently opened a catagory for largest breasts with implants. The winner is pictured below. Her picture before aumentation is also displayed for comaparison purposes. She suppossedly measures 36mmm. I don’t see where they get the 36 unless they mean 36 ft. Maxi Mounds is a lap dancer from Florida, can she fit on a lap like that? “I contacted Guinness World Records and asked if they had a category for implants, but they said no, so I let it go,” she said. “Then they asked me if I was interested as they were creating a category. Eventually they told me I won. I had the old-style silicone imp­lants, but then came all the scare stories, so I had them replaced with overfilled saline.” But her chest began to sag, so she had tubes put in her armpits so she could be firmed up. In 2000, she had her implants ­removed and the pockets filled with plastic string, a procedure which has been banned.  Couldn’t that be considered breast abuse? A solution was injected to make the breasts produce fluid and ‘inflate,’ but they kept on growing. Now she’s famous at strip joints everyhwere. Her name is in lights and she finally has a gimmick that places can up the cover charge. Jiggle on Maxi. Jiggle on.

Maxi when she was Mini

OBAMA WIN, LUXURY JAIL, 100 CARS STUCK, MOONING MISHAP, AND QUEEN SAYS GET A REAL JOB

OBAMA’S IN, CLINTON DOESN’T CONCEDE….YET.

It looks like Obama has enough delegates to now claim the Democratic nomination. Hillary Clinton has not conceded the nomination and rumors are that she is trying for the Vice-President slot to run with Obama. Naturally this rumor has been around for a while and it would make a powerful ticket for the Democrats. Personally I was still hoping for a bit of indecision going into the convention just because it would be nice to have something that wasn’t a foregone conclusion for a change. Truthfully, I’d like to see Clinton run as an independent and really throw a wrench into things. Think of the political chaos. It would be great. Voter anarchy running amok across the country with electoral votes splattering the wall like blood at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. The media wouldn’t know which way to turn, the computers would fry microcircuits trying to predict it all and in the end Ralph Nader wins. Now that would be politics.

LAP OF LUXURY WHILE IN JAIL?

An inmate in a prison in Brazil was apparently living a pretty good lifestyle. Genilson Lins da Silva’s life of ease has come to an abrupt end after police confiscated a plasma TV set, gym equipment, two pistols and cash worth US$173,000 from his cell. Ok, I’m sensing something not quite right here. He also had a cell to himself. Prison officials have launched an investigation as to how he was able to achieve this. I would think they should. Ok, how does a guy manage all this while in prison? With those guns he could have left at any time. But why? Private room, state of the art TV, a pile of money, how do I get in on this? I’m surprised he didn’t have a massuese on Tuesdays. This will certainly show him the error of his ways.

100 CARS STUCK ON FLORIDA BEACH

Over the weekend, over 100 cars became stuck on the Daytona, Florida beach. Apparently people are too lazy to walk to the shoreline and take their street cars across the sand.  I live in Michigan where we have lots of sand beaches, we don’t take our cars on them. We park in lots. If we think that we can’t walk that far, I have an abreviation for you: ATV. It’s what they’re made for. Get to know them, make them your friend. Seems to me some folks just don’t think these things out very well.

MOONING INCIDENT GONE BAD

In Utrecht, Netherlands three men ran down the street mooning people. The bare bottom boys were having a great time and building up entusiasm with their prank. One of the men, backed up against a restaurant window and pushed. The glass shattered sending shards into a variety of places in his derriere in what are described as “deep wounds.” Ouch. He won’t be sitting for a while. The restaurant owner has decided not to press charges since the pranksters have agreed to pay for the broken window. He probably figures at least one of them has already been punished enough. There’s nothing like a little insult and injury.

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND GETS GRUMPY…AGAIN.

I have to admit, I wouldn’t want to date any of the English royal family. The Queen would really hate me. First she was mad about the wedding pictures sold by her grandson’s new wife. Now she’s complaining that Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, isn’t good enough for him. They aren’t even engaged. Apprently all you have to do is hang around to get the Queens dander up. Her reasoning is she doesn’t have a “real job.” She’s been working part-time for her family’s company and doesn’t have a career of her own. Personally I don’t see anything wrong with that. So the Queen wants her to clean her act up, and get a real job. She’s being termed “the Katie problem.” Middleton has had a job offer that might satisfy the Queen, but has been hesitant about taking it. It sounds to me like the Queen has too much time on her hands. Maybe she needs to get a real job.

 

BO DIDDLEY, KURT COBAIN’S ASHES, WASHERS STUCK ON PENIS, AND ELVIS IN ENGLAND

THE GREAT BO DIDDLEY PASSES AWAY 
Rock and Roll pioneer and one of a kind Bo Diddley passed away in his home in Archer, Florida at the age of 79. Virtually every musician was influenced by Diddley from the Rolling Stones to George Thoroughgood. Eric Burdon and the Animals did a song called Bo Diddley about a life changing encounter Burdon had with him in a local pub. The Bo Diddley rhythm and beat is iconic with no other like it with countless musicians copying it. All these years he played with a homemade square box guitar that wa just as recognizable as he was.  By his early teens, Diddley was playing Chicago’s Maxwell Street. “I came out of school and made something out of myself. I am known all over the globe, all over the world. There are guys who have done a lot of things that don’t have the same impact that I had,” he said. Diddley, like other artists of his generations, was paid a flat fee for his recordings and said he received no royalty payments on record sales. He also said he was never paid for many of his performances. “I am owed. I’ve never got paid,” he said. “A dude with a pencil is worse than a cat with a machine gun.” Growing up, Diddley said he had no musical idols, and he wasn’t entirely pleased that others drew on his innovations. “I don’t like to copy anybody. Everybody tries to do what I do, update it,” he said. “I don’t have any idols I copied after. They copied everything I did, upgraded it, messed it up. It seems to me that nobody can come up with their own thing, they have to put a little bit of Bo Diddley there,” he said. Because he only received a small portion of the money he made during his career, he continued to tour and record music until his stroke. Between tours, he made his home near Gainesville in north Florida. “Seventy ain’t nothing but a damn number,” he told The Associated Press in 1999. “I’m writing and creating new stuff and putting together new different things. Trying to stay out there and roll with the punches. I ain’t quit yet.” Your music will rock forever Bo.
STORY OF BO DIDDLEY – ERIC BURDON AND THE ANIMALS

VINTAGE DIDDLEY – HIS SISTER THE DUTCHESS ON RHYTHM GUITAR

ENCORE!
 

KURT COBAIN’S ASHES STOLEN

Courtney Love is said to be suicidal” after a teddy bear shaped bag containing the ashes of her late husband, grunge rock legend Kurt Cobain, was stolen from her Los Angeles home, according to reports. “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.” Love says “I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal.” No surprise there. Courtney makes Keith Richards look like a temperance advocate. Love said the ashes-filled bag, along with thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and clothes, were taken from her home sometime in May. Why was there, expensive jewery in there? And clothes? You’re wearing Kurt ash covered clothes? “If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do,” she said. Knowing her, she was probably passed out on the bathroom floor while they were stealing them. After Cobain’s death in 1994, portions of his ashes were scattered at a Buddhist temple in New York and in the Wishkah River near his birth home of Aberdeen, Wash. The rest of his remains stayed with his widow, who said she “used to take them everywhere with me just so I could feel Kurt was still with me. Now it feels like I have lost him all over again.” You’re the idiot that stored jewelry in there. Right now Kurt’s ashes are probably being twisted up in a doobie somewhere. You know ashes to bong ashes.

MAN GETS WASHERS STUCK ON PENIS

I’m not sure how this happened. Actually I’m not sure I want to know how this happened, but a man in Hornsby, Australia underwent surgery to have 16 washers removed from his penis. He had first called the local firemen to come and help get them off, but when they were unsuccessful after trying for over an hour. He was transported to the local hospital. What I want to know is did these professionals maintain a professional attitude throughout or did they, as I would have, burst out in a fit of laughter at the absudity of this yo-yo’s plight. At the hospital he underwent three hours of surgery to extricate the trapped appendage. The origin of this had to be some drunken bet. I know don’t ask, don’t tell. It’s reported that he won’t undergo any lasting permanent effects from the mishap. No one knows how this happened and his name has not been released. I wouldn’t want my name released either.

ELVIS TERRORIZES SMALL TOWN IN ENGLAND

For those of you that are still out looking for Elvis, we’ve found him in England. He’s been harrassing the residents of Wilsden, West Yorkshire and they are about to slap him with an anti social behavior citation. Yes, Elvis is creating a public nuisance of himself. Elvis, has been accused of dive-bombing people and wrecking street lights when owner Edward Pikul lets him out. Dive-bombing, owner letting him out? Oh that’s right, this Elvis is a parrot. He also acts like a juvenile delinquent. ‘He is a lovely pet and would never harm anybody. If I had to imprison him in his cage, I would rather get rid of him,’ said 49-year-old Mr Pikul. ‘It’s true Elvis has a mischievous streak, he knows a few swear words and his shriek is quite loud but he’s an ­abs­olute joy to have.’ But one resident complained: “The bird is a nuisance. Just because he likes the parrot doesn’t mean he should terrorise the whole village with it. Elvis is just a mad old thing, he follows me when I go to work. He clings on to the van roof and holds on for dear life, then flies around until he feels like coming home.” I’m picturing this and I keep coming up with a Benny Hill skit. Not everyone is against Elvis. He has local fans. Pikul and his daughter Melissa, pictured below with Elvis, are receiving calls and emails supporting Elvis and his wayward lifestyle. “He is gorgeous and to see him flying around is magnificent,’ said Helen Smith, anti-social behaviour officer for Bradford Council. ‘But he has a dark side.” Stay away from the dark side Elvis.